Who can you talk to

 Who can you say what to? If you don't have this straight you can really mess things up.    Let me  help you out. You belong to a bunch of groups, some tighther than others. First off there's your mother and you. You can say anything to your mother about anyone, and no one can say a word.  If you want to rave about how your hubby's mother is a raving lunatic who ought to be housed in the third basement of the local looney bin, no one can tell you not to. However, YOUR mother can't tell anyone what you've said except her hubby and maybe your siblings. Now of course, it may not be a good idea to stir up bad blood between families, which is what this is, but you certainly can't rage at your hubby about his mom.  That is NEVER in any circumstance a good idea. The only exception to this is that it's not good to trash your own kids to your mother, because the rule about never getting in between someone and their mother also applies to you getting in between you and your own kids.The only exception to this rule is talking with the co-creator of the child, and even then things are at a very sad state of affairs if the parents are trashing their kids for any reason whatsoever. 


 

Can you believe this?

I read the other day, in one of those columns where people say they are giving advice, but really they are just saying things anyone could say, without even understanding the littlest thing about the rules of family, where a mother is complaining that HER mother is giving the kids treats behind her back.  The so called ADVICE person, went and trashed the grandmother to the mother. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?  How can anyone say they are an expert on family matters when they don't even know how to keep the first rule of family which is NEVER GET IN BETWEEN SOMEONE AND THEIR MOTHER.  Seriously, I mean, can you believe it? But I read it with my own eyes. I am still shaking my head. 

What's with all the vampires?

 Dear Madrone, my youngest girl, Lolla is 13 and  loves the vampires. It's blood this and moon that, and I can't understand what the big deal is.  Should I be worried?  Mom in Morrisburg

Dear Mom, Nah, it's no biggie. She's thirteen, that's what they do.  If it isn't vampires, it's horses, if it's not horses, it's Frankie Avalon. Or Frankie Avalon on a horse. Whatever.  It's nature's way of getting you ready for when she goes out with an actual boy (two legs, no bloodsucking.)

Gratitude VS Attitude

Sometimes you do someone a big favor and they thank you. Sometime you do the same favor for someone else and they hate you forever.  Gratitude on the one hand, attitude on the other. It's less mysterious than it seems.   A favor says "I own you" You may not mean it that way, but that's what it says. You are up. The other person is down.  Maybe in no other respects than the favor you are going to do them, but that's what it is.   I could never get my father, may he rest, let me even buy him an ice cream cone. . UNLESS I bought one for myself that I didn't really want and then said. Will you do me a favor? I can't finish this ice cream cone. THEN he would take it. TRUTH

Taking Heat

Ok, I just want to be clear about something.  The Rules of Family are the rules.  It's pretty clear to me that if you are a breathing human being, it's the same. Don't mess with someone and their mother, heck even bears and moose know that.  BUT! it doesn't mean you don't break them. Sometimes you have to. It only means that people won't thank you.  For example, your child is married to a low class no good. You couldn't stop it, and now they've got kids. And the guy is bad news, really bad.  You step in, break things up because you figure your kid is going to end up hurt or worse.  You do it because you have to. BUT do not under any circumstances expect gratitude. You may get it, but you may just as likely get attitude. Trust me. If you don't understand that this is a likely, normal reaction, you will be in for big surprises...

More on donuts

The donut conversation went on for quite sometime... After everyone agreed to disagree on how the donuts GOT to the bbq,  everyone started to eat them. One mother said to her kid, who, between you and me, would have done well to stop after the first ten, hey fatso, stop stuffing yourself.  No one said anything, because it was the mother, and there's no point in interfering, but I noticed a few eyeballs rolling.  The rolling meant a few different things though.

1. Put the kid on a strict one donut limit.
2. Don't call the kid names, no wonder he's eating like there was no tomorrow.
3. Let the kid eat.

 Any of the above might be a good conversation starter in another universe, but in this one you can't tell a mother anything. Oh people try all the time, but it does no good. 

Donuts

 The question came up when I was at the family BBQ yesterday, who should bring the donuts? We chewed that one over for quite some time and no one's mind was changed.  Some said the donuts should be brought by the oldest, some said the youngest, some said the person who lived closest to the bakery, some said the person who lived closest to Tilda's which everyone admits is the BEST bakery, some said that the person who invites should make sure there are plenty of donuts on hand, just in case no one brings any.  Me I kept my mouth shut, since I don't care for donuts, give me some cheesecake any day.

Flowers VS Vegetables

Dear Madrone,
    I live with my sister, both of our husbands have passed, may they rest, and while it's sad they're gone, they were good providers and we're not big spenders anyhow.  So everything is hunky dory. Except this. I myself love a flower garden. My sister thinks they're a waste and wants vegetables.  We bicker over this every year, and have never come to any agreement.  So please we ask you, which is better?
Sisters, ok except for this one thing.

Dear Sisters, 
  I beg to differ with you, if this is the thing that bothers you so much that you need to waste my precious minutes, then you are definitely not OK.  This so called problem is so easy there are at least one thousand ways to solve it. Here's ten

1. Take half the garden each year
2. Take turns every other year
3. Let the other person have her way because you love her
4. have no garden at all
5. Mix the flowers with the vegetables every year
6. Flip a coin each year, the winner gets to pick
7. Ask a random stranger (or ten or thirty, however many) what they think you should do and do that.
8. Repeat #7 only do the opposite of what other people think.
9. Add up the number values of the words flower and vegetable, and then compare them to the winning numbers of the Pick 5 on the first day after the danger of frost is passed and whatever is closest, do that.
10. Decide if you spend more on cut flowers or fresh vegetables and go with that

I could go on and on and on, but just in case you don't get my point, here it is. You haven't solved this problem because you DON'T WANT TO.   That's a whole other question, which is one you haven't asked, but should.
God bless, Donna

Asking Family

It's really important to remember that when you ask family for something NO MATTER WHAT, it's going to be bad if they tell you no. Even if you're a jerk for asking, even if they don't have what you ask for, even if they've given to you a hundred times before.  That no is going to stand between you forever. People don't understand even the simplest things sometime.  What's the worst that could happen?
you ask. Ha! There are so many worsts..here's just one.
My brother in law knew a guy.  This guy was a no good, a dead beat, and he was into the bookies for mucho moolah. Now the guy had a younger brother of his own, who was pretty well heeled, mostly because he worked like a dog and saved his pennies, and the wife did too.  They had a nice house and a couple of kids who were clean and smart. The no good always went to the brother for cash when the heat got too hot, and the brother always gave.  Until one day, when the debt in question was caused by the no good taking a nice trip to the old country on a credit card he did not deserve. This was the last straw, the brother said no. Enough. What happened? The mother, who had mostly kept out of it, blamed the younger brother when the no good got worked over by a disappointed gentlemen. Pointed the finger at them, at a family dinner, which started a screaming fight between the younger brother and his wife later than night when the wife made noises about the nerve of his mother (Breaking the biggest rule, really not a good thing to do) which resulted in a pot of sauce being thrown though a window, and landing on a poodle that had been walking by, and breaking its leg, which was a very bad thing as this dog had a pedigree out the wazoo, and was ruined by the incident, which resulted in a nasty lawsuit that the poodle won and put the younger brother in the poorhouse, without a wife, who left, with kids, married a guy with even more money and no brothers.  

SO it's very bad to put family in a position where that could happen, and it happens all the time, every minute,just like that world population counter at Penn Station in the city. 

Saying No To Family

When is it OK to say no to family?  I have news for you. It's never ok.  When family asks you for something you must give or be ready to take heat.  So, Madrone, you ask me, does that mean I have to be a doormat  for my cousin Joe Schmoe who asks me for a ride every day to work and never offers gas money. I'm on the hook for the dead beat? No, not exactly.  All I'm saying is that when you lay down the law, and say, pay up you cheapskate, you will be the bad guy, not Joe Schmoe.  It doesn't mean that you have to be walked over, it's just that no one will pat you on the back for it.  If you think people are going to pin a rose on you, you're in for a surprise. You may be right, but that's not going to stop anyone from giving you the hairy eyeball as the next Sunday barbecue.   

Back.

Hope you all enjoyed your barbecues, or however you heat your meat on a holiday weekend.  I had a very nice time, thank you very much, and now I'm back.  It's the warm weather, and that's a good thing.
A question came up the other day, which I am still thinking about: when is it OK to say no to family?
It happens all the time, but people don't think about it.  And they should.  More tomorrow on that. 
God bless.

Going to Atlantic City

The hubby and I will be going to Atlantic City to play the slots.  Will be back in a couple of weeks, richer or no poorer. 
God bless! Donna

Mind your own Beeswax

A question came in from Fort Maryton...

Madrone,

            When is it ok to butt in?  My neighbor down the  block has a brother whose son is a no good lying two face ratfink SOB.  And I mean no disrespect to the rest of two face ratfinks, who tell  the truth and are legit.  Whatever. This guy is no good. And he married a sweetie pie, who has no clue that he is sleeping around with UPS delivery lady, this week! Last week it was the cheerleading coach, and the month before that, the sister of the wife he's making a fool of.   Everyone knows, except the wife.  And everyone says, butt out. No one will take pity.  Should I? 

Concerned.

Dear Concerned,

            No good answer for that, because whatever you do, the guy will still be a stinker.  I'd tell, but I'd understand that there is a 90% chance  (which for all you brainiacs out there, means 9 times out of ten) that YOU will not be thanked. In fact, you will be forever the one who is attached to the truth, and by attachment I mean an ugly wart that sprouts hairs will be plastered on the middle of your forehead ever ytime the wife looks at you.  She won't be able to help it.  Now you could say, why does she have to know it's me? Well she doesn't, you could go that way, but then you'd see the wart when you looked in the mirror.  Oh it will be there ok. 
         Now if you don't tell, no wart, but a no good lying two face ratfink SOB has turned you into a doormat. So you can't even look in the mirror, unless it goes down to the floor, like at the shoe store. 

God Bless

When things get OFFICIAL

By Official I mean that the families understand that a new family is going to be created. This is a big deal, and there has been much blood and tears shed, particularly when people enter into it unmindful of all the dangers. So a word to the parents involved. This is IMPORTANT. I don't know how many times people tell me that they never met the mother and the father or the whoever is in that place of the person their kid is going to marry until the wedding. GET A GRIP! And along with the grip, get the address and the phone number or the whatever from the intended of your kiddo and pull on your grownup panties and make nice. I say get it from the intended just in case THEY have strong objections, which they might...but that might be worth getting out in the open early. I for one don't care for surprises, like one time, my aunt's niece was gonna marry a guy and it turned out that he was wanted in four states by four different women, who wanted him to come home and help sweep out the yard of the house they'd bought when they'd gotten married. (Guess who paid for the houses, BTW...the ladies, of course, no surprise there)

Meeting the in laws.

Ok, so you are madly in love, good luck with that! This isn't about the two of you, it's about the rest of the story. So, when do you have the first summit meeting? Bringing YOUR intended to meet your family? Well, if you think it isn't a big deal, think again. I will talk at a later time about the proper attitude of a family towards a potential new citizen, this one's for you buddy. DO NOT bring anyone home that isn't a potential keeper. If you're just fooling around, it's very confusing for all concerned. If you're so young that meeting the folks can't be helped, (because they are driving you on your dates) that ought to tell you something right there. And if you're way past old enough, but you still sleep with your parents down the hall, that tells you something else.

Food Rules

This the Madrone's friend, Lily. We go way back, to when our sons were babies and we couldn't imagine them doing anything we hadn't already done. Thirty years later, they figured out a few things but we'll keep those private. Today's lesson is that food rules in family-you need to figure out the rules and then learn to live with them or work around them. For example, say your mother in law lived through the Depression and thinks Starbucks is a bar. DO NOT bring Starbucks to her house just because she only drinks instant coffee. Do what I do, offer to run an errand (preferably something that takes at least 20 minutes)- before running the errand, go to Starbucks, get your latte, drink it in the car, dispose of the cup (or if you're ecological, hide the cup) finish the errand and chew gum so she can't smell real coffee on your breath. Next week I'll give you instructions on other food rules such as learning to live in a meat based family when you're a vegetarian. (Do not try slipping the meat to the dog, the dog will rat you out)
God Bless.

Families are like countries.

You have to understand one thing. Families are like countries, they have borders, some of them are theocracies, some are dictatorships, some are anarchic hullaballoos. Some have great cuisine, some are multiethnic, anything a country is, a family can be. With more power over the person who lives there than any country can ever have, I don't care what. So when you go with someone, to that person's family YOU are a foreigner. If you're a tourist, they will not pay you much mind and you'll get some souvenirs, and some photos for an album, that you may or may not burn at a later time. But if you're planning to apply for citizenship, you have to understand that there are rules, regs and all sorts of taxes. Ignore them, and you end up in exile, with or without your sweetie. Most families will recognize dual citizenship, which means things like they will understand splitting the holidays and giving equal time with the eventual grandchildren. But in some cases, you're expected to renounce your allegiance to your own family, or that your honey bun can have no real doings with yours. It's good to figure that out ahead of time, if you can. Some warning signs
1. All wedding and prom pictures of any of your sweetie's siblings exclude mates and dates.
2. Your sweetie attends the weekly barbecue, with or without you.
3. Your sweetie has to think about whether to attend your parents' 25th anniversary party or the dance recital of a second cousin's third grandchild, scheduled for the same day. Trouble!

First things first? or Second?

Ok, now about inlaws, when should you start caring? There are two different schools of thought on this.
Love first, family second or never
Worst Case: Romeo and Juliet, (unless you think everyone in the entire world knowing your business long after you're ded is a good thing)
Best Case:Mr. and Mrs. LaVerio down the block. Their families HATE each other, always have, but they didn't care. Everyone else is dealing with it, they're going on 60 years married, still laughing their a**es off at everyone.

Family first, love no biggie
Worst Case: My sister in law's little sister married the guy down the street because the families thought that they were perfect, and she ended up in court after trying to stab his eyes out with a salad fork from the silver set she got from his granny. Mess.
Best Case: Beauty and the Beast. She did her thing with the monster to save her dad's hash, and ends up with a rich, good looking guy. (warning, this is the best case,most time what eventually gets revealed is less pretty, with worse manners)

Nine times out of ten, it doesn't predict actual happiness. So suit yourself on this one.

Arranged Matches

First: This advice is NOT for the people who let their families do the matchmaking. In that case, everyone is damn well sure they know each other, that's the whole POINT!
Now many readers write to me, asking me my thoughts on this matter. And I say, I would never get in between someone and their mother. That's rule one. So if your mother wants to pick your dearly beloved for you, I"m not going to tell her no. If you don't like it, YOU'VE got to tell her yourself with no help from yours truly.

If you are in that boat, the one that the families involved all have an oar, when the happy couple starts to row, it should be in the same direction. I'm not saying it makes things easier on the couple. It does make things easier on the families. Not the same thing at all.

In Laws

Right around this time of year, people like to have weddings. It's like they think that nice weather means a nice life. Which it may or may not, what do I know? I do know a thing or two about in laws. I've seen plenty of good people come to grief because they have no idea of the dangers that lurk. Kind of like you're on a boat, and the weather is great (hah!) and the sea is calm and you are singing a song, thinking everything is hunky dory, but you have a crappy map and what it doesn't tell you is that under the surface there are very pointy rocks that are going to rip a hole in the floor, or whatever it is they call the bottom of a boat, and the water that floods in is going to drown you and sink your ship.

So think of the next few days of advice as a really good map, which you should not leave in the trunk of your car.

Back

I've been away and now I'm back. Turns out there's just too much not following of the rules, and everyone needs as much help as they can get. What is clear and simple if you have your head on straight gets complicated fast when the head is up your (or someone else's_a**, excuse my French. Nine times out of ten, simple is better than complicated.

Too Skinny, Too Fat

My head is going to explode. People are too skinny or too fat, nobody is in between. Whatever.  It doesn't really matter, you know.   You hate yourself fat, you're going to hate yourself skinny.   Yes, it's that simple. Now you may want to know how not to hate yourself, that all depends. Worst case, you are a despicable low life, and should be hated. Best case, you just need a talking to from someone that you'd listen to.  Which may or may not be me. 

Money

Everybody and their uncle is going crazy about money these days. And what can I tell you, if you don't have a roof over your head and food for your kids, cash looks good. Check that, cash is good.  But once you have that covered, what's to go crazy about?  Money stands in for other things, if you have the things, you don't need the money. Love? Free.Health? A matter of smarts, and luck, although extra dough might seem to buy you a few minutes here and there, don't be fooled. You don't get any more time than it takes for you to finish the work you're supposed to do on this earth. And nobody, not even me, knows what that is. Respect? You can get the respect of people who respect money. but that's it.  

WORK

Things are tough these days, and if you have a job, you count your blessings, even if the job  is a PITA.  But let me tell you, even when times are good, jobs are jobs. That's why they pay people to do them. If it was all fun and games, you'd pay to do it.  So get a grip.  

I've been through plenty, let me tell you, and I've seen lots, crappy bosses, evil co-workers, cowards, cheats, blowhards, ninnies and crooks.  What can you do? You deal, that's what.   Work gets you through the week.  Which is not something to sneeze at. Because even if you hit the tri state powerball, you still have to get through the week, and in some ways it's harder, because you have to tell yourself what to do then, and that makes you your own boss, and you have to talk about yourself behind your back, and that's not that much fun. 

Another thing my father said

Every key is a headache.

Things My Father Said

My father, may he rest said a lot of things.
Here are a few

You can talk and talk and talk, but nothing gets done until someone picks up a wrench.

If bullsh## were production, we'd all be out of work

Chop chop, Count that day lost whose low descending sun sees from thy hand no worthy action done. (Ok he didn't make that up, but he said it A LOT)

You can't have two mechanics on a job. Someone has to be the helper.

All things being equal, I'm giving overtime to one of my own.

Lists, continued

If you have lists, it means you divide people up. For/against, good/bad, jerk/stand up guy, whatever. They aren't a good thing, in the big picture,people change, you can be wrong, or both. But in the short run, I can't do without mine. It helps the day run smooth to know where you stand. For example, if someone you annoy asks you for a favor, and you do it, you understand that they won't be grateful, and you don't have to waste time waiting to be thanked. In fact, you understand that they'll just be annoyed even more. So you can decide whether or not you want to do the favor, balance out the plus it puts in the favor bank vs. the minus of more annoyance on their part.

How you know you are a saint.

This is how you know you are a saint. You have no lists. That's that.

List of Lists

I realized the other day that I keep lists.    Here's a list of some of them

1. People I would give a kidney for, no questions asked

2. People who annoy me

3. People I know I annoy (Oddly not the same as #2, go figure)

4. People I don't respect

5. People I respect

6. People I would take on a treasure hunt

7. People I hear and obey

8.People who can do no wrong.

9. People I would throw under a bus

10. People who would throw me under the bus

11. People who have what I want

12. People who want what I have

And I bet there's more.

More on Threats

Listen up, I can't help it if this disturbs some of you, all this talk about threats. What can I tell you, the world is the world, if it was perfect, you'd be happy, but you wouldn't know it, because you can't know what happy is without sad. You'd just be. So leave me alone about it, it's not my fault.

Ok, so here's some rules.

1. Never make a threat that the threatenee thinks you don't have the nerve to carry out.
2. As much as possible make threats you know you won't have to carry out.
3. Follow through, only as a last resort. But don't half-a$$ it if you do. Nothing worse than that.
4. Learn how to threaten to threaten- that's the best. If people wish to avoid your threat to threaten, you're golden.

God bless, Donna

Threats

Threats.   Not just anyone can make a threat.   Making threats is an art form. If you can't make a decent threat, you might as well put a sign on your head that says, DOORMAT.   I mean, really.   Now you're going to say, Madrone that's terrible. What if everyone went around making threats like you recommend. Wouldn't the world be awful?? with everyone going around and smacking each other down? To which I say, if you make a decent threat, you never have to lift a finger. A person who knows what they're doing makes life easy and simple.  It's the people who don't know what they are doing who end up with lawsuits and restraining orders.  

What is Respect-2

Ok so you still are wondering what respect is.  Let me put it this way. Here's an example of what it isn't. 

  My neighbor down the block was married to a real bachagaloop, my hand to god.  He would rage if the soup was too hot, he would rage if it was too cool, he would rage.   Every one stepped around him in fear, even the dog.   And the dog was big, with sharp teeth.  As far as we knew he never raised a hand, only his voice, but still.  He was mean. Hard as nails.  But he was  a good provider, so what could anyone say? A good provider who doesn't beat is not that easy to find.  He fell over one day, kapow, heart attack, and after we were all back from the cemetary, my neighbor announces  to us that she was going to take  the insurance money to take tango lessons.  And everyone applauded her.   

What is Respect-1

 

LOVE: will do ANYTHING for you 

FEAR: will do ANYTHING  for you

RESPECT: will do some things for you, and takes both the heat and the thanks in stride.