Friday, August 22, 2008


Dear Madrone, 
   My husband's father's sister in law is a nice lady.  She's way up there in years, for sure, lives in one of those state where people live a long time, I guess it's the cold that preserves them.   We visit once in a blue moon, it's a drive, and she's not a blood relative.  We were planning to visit in the fall, had everything set, but it turns out it's the weekend that a neighbor's son down the street is getting married, and we're invited.   My husband feels the need to visit the aunt, who knows what's around the corner.
So what's the thing to do?
Torn, Mount Redding.

Dear Torn,
   Good God, Gertie , you're kidding me right. You have to ask? Is this the first you've ever heard of me or anyone remotely connected to me? Were you born under a rock, or living in a cave, or are you just out to lunch?  This is a no brainer, even for people with no brains.  This is a trick, right? You kids who hang around the Pizza Carnival ought to get jobs instead of stuffing your faces, and bothering people who have better things to do. Sheesh.
God bless, Donna

  PS- In case this is legit, I take pity and spell it out.  Unless the neighbor in question 
saved the life of someone whose death would distress you greatly, you give them a nice gift, maybe nicer than you would have, explain you have family obligations, WHICH YOU DO, and go with your husband. 

Monday, August 11, 2008


Dear Madrone, 
     My neighbor's daughter's cousin's children are scootches. They tease and tease and tease until somebody ends up crying, usually the smallest one who started it. It drives everyone on the block crazy,but when we tell them to stop, they run away.  What can we do to have peace?
Scootchified, Dix Hills

Dear Scootchified,
     What can I tell you? If you are not their mother, there is not much you can do. Unless of course this takes place in your home, in which case you can uninvite them from the premises.  You can complain to the mother involved, but that is very dangerous, because you would be breaking the rule of rules.  (If I have to remind you what THAT is, I will, after I'm done, but I can't believe you would forget what it is, but there you go, if people remembered everything important I would have less work.)
So assuming this is not taking place in or around your own house or children, you're best off just shaking your head and steering clear. 
God bless, Donna

READER! THE RULE OF RULES, if you follow this, nine times out of ten, you'll solve your own problems:
Never get inbetween someone and their mother. 

Thursday, August 07, 2008


Dear Madrone, 
I hate summer.  Is this normal?
Sweaty,  Nome

Dear Nome
God bless, Donna

PS. Don't look at me like that. You asked, I answered.  If you meant to ask something else, what do I look like a mind reader?

READERS- Nine times out of ten, the question people ask is not the one they want the answer to, but help me out here, throw me a bone, and give me something to go on. 

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Family Snafu

Dear Madrone,
    I lied about being busy to get out of a family barbecue at the home of a cousin I do not like, and  wouldn't you know it, my cousin Alpa saw me at the mall, where she was also avoiding the same event.  Now she is telling everyone she saw me shopping while she was working which was the lie she told, since she was surrounded by twenty boxes of shoes at the DSW, and not at the cosmetic counter at Clarins.  Should I combat this lie with another one?
Looking for guidance,  Mt. Kisco

Dear  Looking,
Lying doesn't work unless you are bald faced about it. Sounds like your face has some hair. So  tell the truth to whoever asks, and let the rest go.  People will forgive you, they have to, you're family. If they don't then there's nothing you can do. And the question you didn't ask, but should have, is why you lied in the first place.  
 God bless, Donna

PS- You might be surprised at how little people care.  

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Important things

Dear Madrone,   
  You have a waste of time hall of fame, but what's the opposite? 
Curious, Forth Worth

Dear Curious,  
Everything else.  Look, let me break it down for you...we only have a certain amount of minutes on this earth.  You have to spend a certain number of them doing stuff that can't be helped, sleeping, eating, ironing. And by ironing, I mean all the other stuff you have to do to to get by. Now you can either iron your own stuff, or get someone to iron for you, but either way, it has to get done.   The better you are at the ironing part, the more precious minutes you have to kick back. Anything that interferes with with your enjoyment is a waste of time.  Now some people don't know whether they are enjoying themselves or not. I will deal with that next time.
God bless, Donna

Friday, August 01, 2008


FUGGEDABOUDIT- This is a beautiful thing, this fuggedaboudit. Roughly translated it means,," this is how much I love you, I'm not going to smash your face in, which I could do, if I felt like it, without blinking, but of course I don't because this isn't worth a precious minute of my time, and neither are you if you keep up this garbage. So... back off /apologize/drop dead ...before you're sorry you made me turn my mind to what you ...said/did. Got that? Good. Now ...get outta/come over ... here.'

When someone backstabs you, this is best option.

Not everyone has the chops to pull this off. In fact very few.