Wednesday, March 29, 2006


Dear Readers, People sometimes ask me, UNBELIEVABLE, what I mean by agita. I will take pity and explain. It's when someone gives you a royal pain, either by something they do or say, or don't do or don't say. Either way, it's something you want to have less of, either by eliminating the source of it from your life, or letting it go. And by eliminating, I don't mean like in those crazy movies where every one has machine guns and fat suits. Please.

Monday, March 27, 2006


Every family needs a garden, I don't care if you live in a little hole in the wall and no yard. You can get a pot of dirt and a cactus for the love of Pete!! And remember you can overwater them just as easily as you can underwater them.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

The Nag List

Dear Madrone, I worry about my boy Eddie. He lives a wild life, ok he's 21, when else is he going to do it? But still, no health benefits, smokes cigarettes, and who knows what else, rides a motorcycle without his helmet, and doesn't go to church. I can't even talk to him these days without bringing up one or another of these topics and then we fight, or worse, he ignores. You don't have to tell me that nagging is a waste, it hasn't done any good. and yet, what if he kills himself or someone else, how will I feel if I just let all that go without saying a word. I will feel guilty, which is another one of your wastes. HELP ME MADRONE!! I am going crazy. Worry Wart, North Pensacola

Dear Wart, You at least know you have a problem which I am going to solve for you. All things should be this simple. Eddy knows every single thing that bothers you. Trust me. This is your nag list. Next time, before you get into it, just say, Hey Eddie, you know the list of things I nag you about. Review them in your mind. Any progress to report? He will either say yes and report or say no. Then you can get on with whatever else you want to talk about.
NOW- If you have nothing else to say to him, then THAT's where your real problem is. God bless, Donna

Thursday, March 23, 2006


Here's the Family Knowledge Answer 1...
Ok.. so your mother says it's your brother who gets the picture you both want. IF you have a FNQ lesser than that of a piece of concrete, which by the way never talks and so has not that bad a FNQ, you cut dead all you believe have insulted you which includes bad mouthing them.

If your FNQ is cosi cosa, you accept the decision, but not really, and in your heart you harbor resentment toward both your brother and your mother and anyone else who sides with them. This makes for awkward silences at family barbecues and the occasional nasty crack that comes out of nowhere, but not really.

Here's the deal. RULE OF FAMILY #1 is that you can never get in between someone and their mother. Which means that your mother and brother have their own thing between them, and very possibly he has paid for the picture in ways you have not, and probably don't care to. You just don't know. So you keep the gracious heart and let it go. Your mother however may have broken Rule #1, since she got in between you and herself unless she had good reasons, which she could have.

There is something to keep in are under no obligation to be a doormat,so when it turns out that the picture is A. stolen property, B. worth quite a bit, so it means the government is taking a huge bite out in taxes, or C. Radioactive so it's making people who own it sick, you are under NO obligation whatsoever to post bail, contribute any money to the Feds, or pay hospital bills for your brother and his family who must take radiation therapy for ten years.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006


What's your FNQ? Your family knowledge quotient. Hey, don't get on my case about the silent K, it doesn't exist in Sicily, therefore I have very little time for it. How much do you know about family? Your FNQ is directly related to your peace of mind, the agita produced by your daily encounters with jamokes and stand up good people. The higher your FNQ, the greater your well being. It's true.

Situation 1...Say, you and your brother are fighting over the gold framed landscape of horses and a haywagon, in a field framed by Lombardi poplars, and by fight I mean each of you is claiming rights to it after your mother, who is not yet passed, thank God, passes, and your mother decides it will go to your brother, not you. What do you do?

Answer tomorrow, you think about it.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Dealing with Liars

IF the liar is a child under your control, just sit them down and say you aren’t planning to move until you hear the truth, and you’ll know the truth when you hear it. Then get the kid a bowl of pastini, take out your knitting and make like you can sit for one hundred years. And mean it. Sooner or later they’ll crack.

IF the liar is an adult, or a child over whom you have no rights and you aren’t the State District Attorney, you have a bigger problem. If someone is lying behind your back, you can always make them say it to your face in front of witnesses. They’ll deny for sure, then you have the necessary means to label them a coward. If they are lying to your face, you need to decide if it’s the ditch you want to die in. If it isn’t.. well, they can either be dead to you or you never trust a single thing they say without checking. If it is, then you call them on it.. whatever it takes. Hire a detective, lay a trap, follow them yourself. The problem with all this is that you give them power over your peace of mind. Depends on how big the lie is and sometimes, knowing the truth has its downside.

My cousin Louella had an inkling that all was not on the up and up with her hubby and a certain co-worker. A large inkling related to the fact the co-worker’s husband called her to commiserate, and see if Louella was interested in revenge that came under the category of good for the goose, good for the gander, if you know what I mean. Louella confront her hubby, who denied. Now, Louella didn’t really want to know. She decided to believe her hubby, who decided to break it off with his lady friend. Which I believe had something to do with the difference is body fat to muscle ratio between him and the other guy. (The reason I know all this is that the co-worker lady in question spent three hours sobbing at my Formica table, asking what should she do.. but that’s another column) And Louella is very blissful, thinking that all is well. I’d tell her she was crazy, but she hasn’t asked.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Can't believe I forgot this one:


Liars really annoy me.

And this is how you deal with them:
FIRST,and this is key. You better be 100% convinced that they are lying. Because the really good liars lie to someone they know wants to believe them. I mean really. They'll look you in the eye and say, I can't believe you don't trust me. And YOU, palooka, will be doubting yourself, feeling all bad that you could have had suspicions.
Yeah, every one of you that's had a cheating boyfriend or a kid steal you blind knows exactly what I'm talking about.

More tomorrow on what you do next.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

As I was saying: Paybacks

Paybacks are what comes back around, so watch out what you do and say. Oddly enough, what you think, is your own business. Even if you think it really hard. You can't predict paybacks no way, and you can't control them. SO don't bother trying, you'll just make it worse.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Thursday, March 16, 2006

List of things that annoy me

Crepe Hangers