Back.

Hope you all enjoyed your barbecues, or however you heat your meat on a holiday weekend.  I had a very nice time, thank you very much, and now I'm back.  It's the warm weather, and that's a good thing.
A question came up the other day, which I am still thinking about: when is it OK to say no to family?
It happens all the time, but people don't think about it.  And they should.  More tomorrow on that. 
God bless.

Going to Atlantic City

The hubby and I will be going to Atlantic City to play the slots.  Will be back in a couple of weeks, richer or no poorer. 
God bless! Donna

Mind your own Beeswax

A question came in from Fort Maryton...

Madrone,

            When is it ok to butt in?  My neighbor down the  block has a brother whose son is a no good lying two face ratfink SOB.  And I mean no disrespect to the rest of two face ratfinks, who tell  the truth and are legit.  Whatever. This guy is no good. And he married a sweetie pie, who has no clue that he is sleeping around with UPS delivery lady, this week! Last week it was the cheerleading coach, and the month before that, the sister of the wife he's making a fool of.   Everyone knows, except the wife.  And everyone says, butt out. No one will take pity.  Should I? 

Concerned.

Dear Concerned,

            No good answer for that, because whatever you do, the guy will still be a stinker.  I'd tell, but I'd understand that there is a 90% chance  (which for all you brainiacs out there, means 9 times out of ten) that YOU will not be thanked. In fact, you will be forever the one who is attached to the truth, and by attachment I mean an ugly wart that sprouts hairs will be plastered on the middle of your forehead ever ytime the wife looks at you.  She won't be able to help it.  Now you could say, why does she have to know it's me? Well she doesn't, you could go that way, but then you'd see the wart when you looked in the mirror.  Oh it will be there ok. 
         Now if you don't tell, no wart, but a no good lying two face ratfink SOB has turned you into a doormat. So you can't even look in the mirror, unless it goes down to the floor, like at the shoe store. 

God Bless

When things get OFFICIAL

By Official I mean that the families understand that a new family is going to be created. This is a big deal, and there has been much blood and tears shed, particularly when people enter into it unmindful of all the dangers. So a word to the parents involved. This is IMPORTANT. I don't know how many times people tell me that they never met the mother and the father or the whoever is in that place of the person their kid is going to marry until the wedding. GET A GRIP! And along with the grip, get the address and the phone number or the whatever from the intended of your kiddo and pull on your grownup panties and make nice. I say get it from the intended just in case THEY have strong objections, which they might...but that might be worth getting out in the open early. I for one don't care for surprises, like one time, my aunt's niece was gonna marry a guy and it turned out that he was wanted in four states by four different women, who wanted him to come home and help sweep out the yard of the house they'd bought when they'd gotten married. (Guess who paid for the houses, BTW...the ladies, of course, no surprise there)

Meeting the in laws.

Ok, so you are madly in love, good luck with that! This isn't about the two of you, it's about the rest of the story. So, when do you have the first summit meeting? Bringing YOUR intended to meet your family? Well, if you think it isn't a big deal, think again. I will talk at a later time about the proper attitude of a family towards a potential new citizen, this one's for you buddy. DO NOT bring anyone home that isn't a potential keeper. If you're just fooling around, it's very confusing for all concerned. If you're so young that meeting the folks can't be helped, (because they are driving you on your dates) that ought to tell you something right there. And if you're way past old enough, but you still sleep with your parents down the hall, that tells you something else.

Food Rules

This the Madrone's friend, Lily. We go way back, to when our sons were babies and we couldn't imagine them doing anything we hadn't already done. Thirty years later, they figured out a few things but we'll keep those private. Today's lesson is that food rules in family-you need to figure out the rules and then learn to live with them or work around them. For example, say your mother in law lived through the Depression and thinks Starbucks is a bar. DO NOT bring Starbucks to her house just because she only drinks instant coffee. Do what I do, offer to run an errand (preferably something that takes at least 20 minutes)- before running the errand, go to Starbucks, get your latte, drink it in the car, dispose of the cup (or if you're ecological, hide the cup) finish the errand and chew gum so she can't smell real coffee on your breath. Next week I'll give you instructions on other food rules such as learning to live in a meat based family when you're a vegetarian. (Do not try slipping the meat to the dog, the dog will rat you out)
God Bless.

Families are like countries.

You have to understand one thing. Families are like countries, they have borders, some of them are theocracies, some are dictatorships, some are anarchic hullaballoos. Some have great cuisine, some are multiethnic, anything a country is, a family can be. With more power over the person who lives there than any country can ever have, I don't care what. So when you go with someone, to that person's family YOU are a foreigner. If you're a tourist, they will not pay you much mind and you'll get some souvenirs, and some photos for an album, that you may or may not burn at a later time. But if you're planning to apply for citizenship, you have to understand that there are rules, regs and all sorts of taxes. Ignore them, and you end up in exile, with or without your sweetie. Most families will recognize dual citizenship, which means things like they will understand splitting the holidays and giving equal time with the eventual grandchildren. But in some cases, you're expected to renounce your allegiance to your own family, or that your honey bun can have no real doings with yours. It's good to figure that out ahead of time, if you can. Some warning signs
1. All wedding and prom pictures of any of your sweetie's siblings exclude mates and dates.
2. Your sweetie attends the weekly barbecue, with or without you.
3. Your sweetie has to think about whether to attend your parents' 25th anniversary party or the dance recital of a second cousin's third grandchild, scheduled for the same day. Trouble!

First things first? or Second?

Ok, now about inlaws, when should you start caring? There are two different schools of thought on this.
Love first, family second or never
Worst Case: Romeo and Juliet, (unless you think everyone in the entire world knowing your business long after you're ded is a good thing)
Best Case:Mr. and Mrs. LaVerio down the block. Their families HATE each other, always have, but they didn't care. Everyone else is dealing with it, they're going on 60 years married, still laughing their a**es off at everyone.

Family first, love no biggie
Worst Case: My sister in law's little sister married the guy down the street because the families thought that they were perfect, and she ended up in court after trying to stab his eyes out with a salad fork from the silver set she got from his granny. Mess.
Best Case: Beauty and the Beast. She did her thing with the monster to save her dad's hash, and ends up with a rich, good looking guy. (warning, this is the best case,most time what eventually gets revealed is less pretty, with worse manners)

Nine times out of ten, it doesn't predict actual happiness. So suit yourself on this one.

Arranged Matches

First: This advice is NOT for the people who let their families do the matchmaking. In that case, everyone is damn well sure they know each other, that's the whole POINT!
Now many readers write to me, asking me my thoughts on this matter. And I say, I would never get in between someone and their mother. That's rule one. So if your mother wants to pick your dearly beloved for you, I"m not going to tell her no. If you don't like it, YOU'VE got to tell her yourself with no help from yours truly.

If you are in that boat, the one that the families involved all have an oar, when the happy couple starts to row, it should be in the same direction. I'm not saying it makes things easier on the couple. It does make things easier on the families. Not the same thing at all.

In Laws

Right around this time of year, people like to have weddings. It's like they think that nice weather means a nice life. Which it may or may not, what do I know? I do know a thing or two about in laws. I've seen plenty of good people come to grief because they have no idea of the dangers that lurk. Kind of like you're on a boat, and the weather is great (hah!) and the sea is calm and you are singing a song, thinking everything is hunky dory, but you have a crappy map and what it doesn't tell you is that under the surface there are very pointy rocks that are going to rip a hole in the floor, or whatever it is they call the bottom of a boat, and the water that floods in is going to drown you and sink your ship.

So think of the next few days of advice as a really good map, which you should not leave in the trunk of your car.

Back

I've been away and now I'm back. Turns out there's just too much not following of the rules, and everyone needs as much help as they can get. What is clear and simple if you have your head on straight gets complicated fast when the head is up your (or someone else's_a**, excuse my French. Nine times out of ten, simple is better than complicated.

Too Skinny, Too Fat

My head is going to explode. People are too skinny or too fat, nobody is in between. Whatever.  It doesn't really matter, you know.   You hate yourself fat, you're going to hate yourself skinny.   Yes, it's that simple. Now you may want to know how not to hate yourself, that all depends. Worst case, you are a despicable low life, and should be hated. Best case, you just need a talking to from someone that you'd listen to.  Which may or may not be me. 

Money

Everybody and their uncle is going crazy about money these days. And what can I tell you, if you don't have a roof over your head and food for your kids, cash looks good. Check that, cash is good.  But once you have that covered, what's to go crazy about?  Money stands in for other things, if you have the things, you don't need the money. Love? Free.Health? A matter of smarts, and luck, although extra dough might seem to buy you a few minutes here and there, don't be fooled. You don't get any more time than it takes for you to finish the work you're supposed to do on this earth. And nobody, not even me, knows what that is. Respect? You can get the respect of people who respect money. but that's it.  

WORK

Things are tough these days, and if you have a job, you count your blessings, even if the job  is a PITA.  But let me tell you, even when times are good, jobs are jobs. That's why they pay people to do them. If it was all fun and games, you'd pay to do it.  So get a grip.  

I've been through plenty, let me tell you, and I've seen lots, crappy bosses, evil co-workers, cowards, cheats, blowhards, ninnies and crooks.  What can you do? You deal, that's what.   Work gets you through the week.  Which is not something to sneeze at. Because even if you hit the tri state powerball, you still have to get through the week, and in some ways it's harder, because you have to tell yourself what to do then, and that makes you your own boss, and you have to talk about yourself behind your back, and that's not that much fun. 

Another thing my father said

Every key is a headache.

Things My Father Said

My father, may he rest said a lot of things.
Here are a few

You can talk and talk and talk, but nothing gets done until someone picks up a wrench.

If bullsh## were production, we'd all be out of work

Chop chop, Count that day lost whose low descending sun sees from thy hand no worthy action done. (Ok he didn't make that up, but he said it A LOT)

You can't have two mechanics on a job. Someone has to be the helper.

All things being equal, I'm giving overtime to one of my own.

Lists, continued

If you have lists, it means you divide people up. For/against, good/bad, jerk/stand up guy, whatever. They aren't a good thing, in the big picture,people change, you can be wrong, or both. But in the short run, I can't do without mine. It helps the day run smooth to know where you stand. For example, if someone you annoy asks you for a favor, and you do it, you understand that they won't be grateful, and you don't have to waste time waiting to be thanked. In fact, you understand that they'll just be annoyed even more. So you can decide whether or not you want to do the favor, balance out the plus it puts in the favor bank vs. the minus of more annoyance on their part.

How you know you are a saint.

This is how you know you are a saint. You have no lists. That's that.

List of Lists

I realized the other day that I keep lists.    Here's a list of some of them

1. People I would give a kidney for, no questions asked

2. People who annoy me

3. People I know I annoy (Oddly not the same as #2, go figure)

4. People I don't respect

5. People I respect

6. People I would take on a treasure hunt

7. People I hear and obey

8.People who can do no wrong.

9. People I would throw under a bus

10. People who would throw me under the bus

11. People who have what I want

12. People who want what I have

And I bet there's more.

More on Threats

Listen up, I can't help it if this disturbs some of you, all this talk about threats. What can I tell you, the world is the world, if it was perfect, you'd be happy, but you wouldn't know it, because you can't know what happy is without sad. You'd just be. So leave me alone about it, it's not my fault.

Ok, so here's some rules.

1. Never make a threat that the threatenee thinks you don't have the nerve to carry out.
2. As much as possible make threats you know you won't have to carry out.
3. Follow through, only as a last resort. But don't half-a$$ it if you do. Nothing worse than that.
4. Learn how to threaten to threaten- that's the best. If people wish to avoid your threat to threaten, you're golden.

God bless, Donna

Threats

Threats.   Not just anyone can make a threat.   Making threats is an art form. If you can't make a decent threat, you might as well put a sign on your head that says, DOORMAT.   I mean, really.   Now you're going to say, Madrone that's terrible. What if everyone went around making threats like you recommend. Wouldn't the world be awful?? with everyone going around and smacking each other down? To which I say, if you make a decent threat, you never have to lift a finger. A person who knows what they're doing makes life easy and simple.  It's the people who don't know what they are doing who end up with lawsuits and restraining orders.  

What is Respect-2

Ok so you still are wondering what respect is.  Let me put it this way. Here's an example of what it isn't. 

  My neighbor down the block was married to a real bachagaloop, my hand to god.  He would rage if the soup was too hot, he would rage if it was too cool, he would rage.   Every one stepped around him in fear, even the dog.   And the dog was big, with sharp teeth.  As far as we knew he never raised a hand, only his voice, but still.  He was mean. Hard as nails.  But he was  a good provider, so what could anyone say? A good provider who doesn't beat is not that easy to find.  He fell over one day, kapow, heart attack, and after we were all back from the cemetary, my neighbor announces  to us that she was going to take  the insurance money to take tango lessons.  And everyone applauded her.   

What is Respect-1

 

LOVE: will do ANYTHING for you 

FEAR: will do ANYTHING  for you

RESPECT: will do some things for you, and takes both the heat and the thanks in stride. 

So what is Respect?

Readers,

   So the question comes up, if respect is such a big deal, what exactly is it? How do I know if I have it, how do I know if I'm getting it.  Sometimes I am surprised at the questions I have to answer, but then I think, of course I have to answer them. That's why I'm the Madrone. If people knew these things without asking..well the truth is they DO know these things, but they don't believe it unless someone like me tells them.

So respect.  It isn't 100% love, and it isn't 100% fear, but it's a combo of the both mixed with admiration for  the integrity and spine of  some who has savvy.   There's actually a formula that goes like this

 Respect  =   L  [Ad(Int + Sp) + Sa]/F       Do the math.  

God bless, Donna

PS- Coming soon, examples for those of you who stunk at algebra

What's the big deal?

Readers:

Sometimes people come to me and say, Madrone, you always tell us what's a waste of our time, but when is something a big deal? This is a good question.  Here are some guidelines for knowing whether something should be a big deal in this life. Actually there is only one guideline. 

Does it get you respect from people you respect? If it does, then it's a big deal.

That's it. 

Now I may think the people you respect are a bunch of idiots, so it wouldn't be that big a deal to me, but you wouldn't care what I thought, most likely.  Now it's possible that you might respect people who think each other stunada, in that case, you probably need therapy, or write me a letter about it, it's cheaper.  

God bless, Donna

 

Reminder about the main rule

Readers, 

I just got through listening to some TV program where they interviewed the lady who had 8 kids at one whack, when she had six others running around at home.   It's not for me, that's for sure, but according to the rules of family, it's nobody's business but hers and whoever she's convinced to go along with her for the ride.  Now if she forgets where she leaves one, or decides to  make them work sewing machines in the basement to make fancy dresses for rich ladies who don't have kids of their own to sew, people might make a case for stepping in. But short of that, it's not anyone's place to   look down their noses at her, or make noises about who can do what.  

The main rule of family is NEVER GET IN BETWEEN SOMEONE AND THEIR MOTHER. 

This goes for any mother, and any someones, especially if there are 14 of them at once. 

God Bless, Donna

 

SEPTEMBER

People write me all the time and ask me what I think about all kinds of things, because they need someone to tell them the most basic facts, like where is their elbow.

Here’s some things you need to know, if you’re gonna live right.

SEPTEMBER

Ok. About September. 99% of my family have birthdays in September. Do the math. It’s cold in January, you know what I’m saying. So, the first thing about September is what to do about all the people you have to remember, otherwise your name is mud.

Basic gift giving guide is the same all year round, but it comes in handy when you have to figure out what to get 25 relatives or more.

Under five, the present is not for the child, it’s a message for the parents how they stand with you.

Between five-twelve, it’s about what you think of the child. If the kid is an egghead and you get him a book, it means you approve. If you buy him a soccer ball it means you don’t. Simple.

12-moving out of the house, it doesn’t matter what you get, you can’t get them what they want, which is the freedom to do stuff that we all did when we were there age, but don’t talk about now. And friends, and REALLY GOOD Friends. Bottom line, nothing you can do to make them happy. At best, they’ll remember you tried.

After moving out to their own kids moving out- Write a check

Anyone older than that- No one cares that much to be reminded. Exception – Your own mother.

People ask me all the time about the big ones- The Three 0 and the Four 0 all the way to the really old 0’s like 8 or 9. If you don’t have a big party does it mean you have a bad family? Honestly I don’t know where these ideas come from. I don’t care what you do or don’t do. These big to-dos aren’t about the person, not really. They are about the family. It’s like hanging out a sign that says, wow, what a great family we are, there’s lots of us and we live a long time, and we have the money to spare on this. Good for us. Which may or may not be true. Who knows.

About those parties- Same rules apply as apply to weddings, but only half the bloodshed, since it’s about one family, and not putting two together to make a new one.

What Gives?

Dear Madrone,
What do you think of this? I am going with a girl, let's call her Sue, because that's her name, for a long time,, maybe even years, whose counting? But I had to move to another city, let's call it Chicago, because that's where I went, and she didn't want to, because, well let's face it, her mother is not there, and she loves her mother. Ok I accept. So we talk by phone, I visit whenever, I send cards on the right days, and flowers too. We get together, if you know what I mean, not that often. I never complain, but finally I said, so what about it and she tells she wants more space. What gives?
Lonely, and puzzled without Sue in Chicago.

Dear Without,
Get a clue. And a new girlfriend.
God Bless, Donna

Seriously some people don't know what gives until it comes around and bites them on the a**, and even then.

Priorities

Dear Madrone, 

   My husband's father's sister in law is a nice lady.  She's way up there in years, for sure, lives in one of those state where people live a long time, I guess it's the cold that preserves them.   We visit once in a blue moon, it's a drive, and she's not a blood relative.  We were planning to visit in the fall, had everything set, but it turns out it's the weekend that a neighbor's son down the street is getting married, and we're invited.   My husband feels the need to visit the aunt, who knows what's around the corner.

So what's the thing to do?

Torn, Mount Redding.

Dear Torn,

   Good God, Gertie , you're kidding me right. You have to ask? Is this the first you've ever heard of me or anyone remotely connected to me? Were you born under a rock, or living in a cave, or are you just out to lunch?  This is a no brainer, even for people with no brains.  This is a trick, right? You kids who hang around the Pizza Carnival ought to get jobs instead of stuffing your faces, and bothering people who have better things to do. Sheesh.

God bless, Donna

  PS- In case this is legit, I take pity and spell it out.  Unless the neighbor in question 

saved the life of someone whose death would distress you greatly, you give them a nice gift, maybe nicer than you would have, explain you have family obligations, WHICH YOU DO, and go with your husband. 

Scootching

Dear Madrone, 

     My neighbor's daughter's cousin's children are scootches. They tease and tease and tease until somebody ends up crying, usually the smallest one who started it. It drives everyone on the block crazy,but when we tell them to stop, they run away.  What can we do to have peace?

Scootchified, Dix Hills

Dear Scootchified,

     What can I tell you? If you are not their mother, there is not much you can do. Unless of course this takes place in your home, in which case you can uninvite them from the premises.  You can complain to the mother involved, but that is very dangerous, because you would be breaking the rule of rules.  (If I have to remind you what THAT is, I will, after I'm done, but I can't believe you would forget what it is, but there you go, if people remembered everything important I would have less work.)

So assuming this is not taking place in or around your own house or children, you're best off just shaking your head and steering clear. 

God bless, Donna

READER! THE RULE OF RULES, if you follow this, nine times out of ten, you'll solve your own problems:

Never get inbetween someone and their mother. 

Summer

Dear Madrone, 

I hate summer.  Is this normal?

Sweaty,  Nome

Dear Nome

       No.

God bless, Donna

PS. Don't look at me like that. You asked, I answered.  If you meant to ask something else, what do I look like a mind reader?

READERS- Nine times out of ten, the question people ask is not the one they want the answer to, but help me out here, throw me a bone, and give me something to go on. 

Family Snafu

Dear Madrone,

    I lied about being busy to get out of a family barbecue at the home of a cousin I do not like, and  wouldn't you know it, my cousin Alpa saw me at the mall, where she was also avoiding the same event.  Now she is telling everyone she saw me shopping while she was working which was the lie she told, since she was surrounded by twenty boxes of shoes at the DSW, and not at the cosmetic counter at Clarins.  Should I combat this lie with another one?

Looking for guidance,  Mt. Kisco

Dear  Looking,

Lying doesn't work unless you are bald faced about it. Sounds like your face has some hair. So  tell the truth to whoever asks, and let the rest go.  People will forgive you, they have to, you're family. If they don't then there's nothing you can do. And the question you didn't ask, but should have, is why you lied in the first place.  

 God bless, Donna

PS- You might be surprised at how little people care.  

 

Important things

Dear Madrone,   

  You have a waste of time hall of fame, but what's the opposite? 

Curious, Forth Worth

Dear Curious,  

Everything else.  Look, let me break it down for you...we only have a certain amount of minutes on this earth.  You have to spend a certain number of them doing stuff that can't be helped, sleeping, eating, ironing. And by ironing, I mean all the other stuff you have to do to to get by. Now you can either iron your own stuff, or get someone to iron for you, but either way, it has to get done.   The better you are at the ironing part, the more precious minutes you have to kick back. Anything that interferes with with your enjoyment is a waste of time.  Now some people don't know whether they are enjoying themselves or not. I will deal with that next time.

God bless, Donna

FUGGEDABOUDIT

FUGGEDABOUDIT- This is a beautiful thing, this fuggedaboudit. Roughly translated it means,," this is how much I love you, I'm not going to smash your face in, which I could do, if I felt like it, without blinking, but of course I don't because this isn't worth a precious minute of my time, and neither are you if you keep up this garbage. So... back off /apologize/drop dead ...before you're sorry you made me turn my mind to what you ...said/did. Got that? Good. Now ...get outta/come over ... here.'

When someone backstabs you, this is best option.

Not everyone has the chops to pull this off. In fact very few.

FORGET VS FUGGEDABOUDIT

Say you  are in line for some paybacks- someone you trusted ratted you out, or stole you blind or otherwise took advantage of your good nature.  And you can't forgive. And you won't ignore.  Vengeance is out, because the rat in question doesn't want anything you have badly enough to make it worth the splash back.  So what's left? 

 Two things- You can forget it. OR you can fuggedaboudit.  

Here's the difference.  

Forgetting is you put it out of your mind. Like it never happened.  This is NOT, I repeat, NOT ignoring.  In order to ignore something, you have to know it's there, you just pretend it isn't.  Forgetting is erasing the incident completely from your mind.  

Fuggedaboudit is a combination of forgive, ignore and forget.  It's also a form of revenge.  Anyone who can do this is a person you want on your side in a street fight. 

Tomorrow, an example. 

RESPOND

So where were we? Yeah, you have a serious problem, someone backstabbed you. No way are you going to ignore. Ok then, good idea, you're gonna do something.
Vengeance: You can make them pay, which only works if you have something that they want. Example: My neighbor's ex husband, may he rest, was a good provider, (not much else) He left ALL, and I mean ALL, every last cent, to his first wife, left wives two, three and four (my neighbor) out without a pot. Now the three xes wanted payback, but what could they do? They didn't have anything he wanted. Warning- With vengeance, there is always a splash back.
Forgive: So should they forgive? Well in the case of the stiffed ex wives, they couldn't. Sounds pazzo, but forgiveness only works if you have something they want, too. Otherwise, it's something else, which we'll talk about tomorrow. Forgiveness is really nice, noble, but most people can't really do it. They only SAY they are, but what they are really doing is plastering on the guilt. And guilt is a waste of time.

IGNORE

 My cousin's aunt's sister in law  Nessie was betrayed by her own brother, Lando, who told their mother that she spent the holidays in the Bahamas with her in laws, instead of in the hospital.  The mother in question was a piece of work,  Nessie should have told her to her face, and taken the heat. BUT Lando  shouldn't have spilled the beans, that breaks the rule of rules.   What if Nessie just ignored her brother's backstabbing? 

This takes fortitude and attitude.  If you ignore in the right way, you aggravate everyone, because it's just like saying, whatever. Who cares about you?  If you do it the wrong way, you just look like a mealy mouthed doormat, inviting people to wipe their feet.  So it's dangerous.   If you are ignoring cause you are afraid of a fuss, believe me,

nothing fuss likes better than fear. 

 

Vengeance

Dear Betrayed,

   You wrote me with this question: How could I possibly hurt them as much as they've hurt me?  Many people ask me this all the time, for all sorts of reasons, not just the one you have.  And I answer, always the same thing=You can't.  It isn't to say that you can't hurt them, because you can do that, no problem, but not as much as they've hurt you, because the way it works is this= vengeance comes back at you.  It just does.  So add the hurt that they did to you + the splash back hurt from your vengeance, and it will always be that you hurt more.   

   The question you didn't ask, but I will answer, just on the off chance that you didn 't know you should have asked it, and might possibly be interested in the advice (which most likely you aren't, but even so, someone might) is this: What now?  

  There are four possibilities, 

A. Ignore

B. Respond

• Forgiveness
• Vengeance

C. Forget

D. Fuggedaboudit.

I will discuss these tomorrow.  God Bless, Donna

 

A real dilly

Dear Madrone, The other day, I was sitting at my formica table, in the kitchen, trying to get my papers in order, and staring at the pictures on my refrigerator, of the kids and their kids, all smiling, but none of them as young anymore as they are in those pictures. I can't complain, my children call me, they come around, and they treat me right. And my health is not bad considering I'm pushing 90. But all the papers, the bills, and the junk, it comes every day, rain or shine, and I wonder why we go through it all. make ourselves crazy trying to get our kids raised, keep food on the table, the house clean, all of it, since in the end, we check out, people divide up the stuff, and maybe say a few nice words, or shed some tears. What's the point of it all? Sitting around, Merrick

Dear Sitting, What do I look like? The Pope? As my father used to say, may he rest, if you could talk people out of being crazy, the looney bins would be empty. I have nothing to tell you that is going to me of much use. You have a nice house, good health and children who show you respect, even if you don't appreciate it. Somehow this is ruining your day. It takes all kinds.
God bless, Donna

Readers, remind me tomorrow to tell you more about a shot of stupid. It's not sinking in.

What can you do?

Dear Madrone, What can you do when you hear something awful has happened? I never know. Befuddled, Millville.

Dear Befuddled, look at it this way, even when you don't hear it, something awful has happened, is happening or will be happening. You know this, it isn't any big lightbulb I'm turning on for you. My point is that you get up and make the coffee and go to work if you have a job, or whatever it is that you spend your precious minutes on. And the awful things keep coming. I recommend a shot of stupid. Not too much of one, because that can get you arrested, just enough for you to make the sad face, say the sympathetic word, but still get the dog out for its walk. God bless, Donna

PS. Nice things happen all the time too, that's what's so crazy.

Back Again

Hey, how ya doing? It's been a while, what can I say? I've been busy. Family stuff.. weddings, babies, good things..I wish I could say I learned something, but actually I knew it all already. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying anything special except that I know the rules of family and they always apply. They do. Not a single thing I've been through this past year makes me think any different. Now you could say, hey, your mind is made up, Madrone, so how could you learn anything? But what do you know about my mind, it's open... like a book or a door, or my cousin Silla's house, which she never locked because she was crazy.. Someone could have waltzed in and stole the pillow out from under her head, but they never did, so she always figured she was right not to lock. That's exactly how open my mind is. I will try to break it down for you, little by little, in the meantime...I got stuff I gotta do. God bless, Donna

The Japanese Thumb Trap

You can get these at a carnival, or the variety store... you know what I'm talking about, those little straw tubes, you slip a pinky into each end. IF you try to pull out, it just tightens up, no go. You can't get the fingers out because the harder you pull, the skinnier the tube gets and the more you're trapped. Instead, here's the genius part...you have to push in, the tube scrunches up and gets wider, and bingo, your pinkies are free.

It's like that with the eyerolling inlaws. Don't resist, go with.

Sample conversation:
YOU: Pass the broccoli
In Laws: You really need to be careful of anemia,
YOU: I know, I know, you're so right.

The key to this is to say it while you are shoveling in the broccoli. Under no circumstances use sarcasm. Drip with sincerity. After a few times, they'll stop mentioning it. Trust me.

The Story of My Life 3

Rudolpho was a mean mean boy. And I mean that. I still get the willies when I think about the cats whose ears he cut off. Seriously. In those days you didn't know that meant you were going to turn into Jack the Ripper or whatever. And he didn't. He became a Pella Window salesman and a Grand Dragon of the Knights of Columbus. So go figure. But when I was one, he was thirteen and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. I got beat from here to Sunday, but never straight out, and no one to run to. So I figured out how to make myself invisible. It's a good trick. The other thing I figured out is that funny is good, crazy is good, and funny crazy is better. So if you can't be invisible, make them laugh and be nervous at the same time.

Family Resemblances

Dear Madrone, Please help. What do you reply when someone asks you who the baby looks like, particularly if it does not look like anyone in particular, or worse, it does, but not someone that it would be polite to point out the resemblance, if you know what I'm saying. Sign me, the Milkman.

Dear Milk, There is only one response that I recommend in this case, no matter if the baby looks like the twin of the father, the mother the next door neighbor, even the family dog. You say, and in this case sincerity isn't even required, because the person who is asking already knows what they think, and just wants you to confirm or to pick a fight (it's what's known as a trick question) Oh, The baby is a perfect mix of -----here insert the name of the parents--------. Trust me this will be the end of the conversation, and you can move on to something less dangerous, like politics or religion. God bless, Donna

A Bone to Pick

Dear Madrone, My in laws eat meat. I don't. They make me special dishes, no meat at all, tasty things, lots of eggplant, lasagne all cheese, you name it. And yet, they still roll the eye and make it their business to inquire after my iron levels and blood pressure and other items that are none of their business, but they are trying to be helpful. I don't think they mean to be rude, but it feels that way. What do I do, my spouse is a vegetarian,too, but he loves his parents. As he should. I am beginning to become aggravated, but I feel I can't say anythng that would make things better not worse Veggie, Vegas

Dear Veg, You are subject to conflicting rules. You can't get in between someone and his mother, and you can't pretend things are nice when they are not. The first course of action is to talk to your spouse about how you feel, but the way you put it is crucial. You can't say I think your family is crazy, why do I have to put up with them? Because he is putting up with your family, trust me, I don't even have to know the details, that's how it is. If that doesn't bring you satisfaction, and you still are having agita, you can use the Japanese Thumbtrap approach, which I will explain in greater detail, tomorrow. God Bless, Donna

The Story of My Life 2

My father, who was not a bad man, even if he wasn't a particularly good one, remarried ASAP. Not like he had someone hiding under the bed, we don't think, but then in those days, no one talked much about that sort of thing. Raised eyebrows, knowing grunts, that's what you had to decode, but where was I, my father, may he rest, got himself another wife pronto, who took on the nine of us, and proceeded to have four of her own. Madonna! It was a mad house. Let's see how many were we?

Rudolpho
Lentini
Michaela
Elsina
Francesco
Babba
Rocko
Vespalla
Me (Donna)
Mary
Sally
Pete
John

Let me tell you, it was not worth your life to turn your back on either your food, your clothes, or your pride. Anything and all would be snatched before you could say hey, that was MY ... fill in the blank, pillow, dessert, friend, air.. it was one big scramble. Now here's the part where you expect me to say, it was tough but we had love and laughter. Well forget that. We didn't have all that much love, and the laughs were usually at someone's expense. But hey, I'm not complaining. I'm not in jail or in the looney bin, and I managed to stay alive without killing anyone. Not bad.

The Story of My Life 1

I was born. It wasn't easy, not for anyone. Not for my mother, who swore on her mother's grave that if she lived she would take a knife to the privates of my father so as to never go through this torture again. (PS. she didn't, live that is) for me, who was slapped on the a** and sent to a strega of a nurse, who shoved formula down my throat and thought I was ugly, for my 8 siblings who now had no mother, and for my father who was left with nine children and no wife- who he never believed for a moment would have un manned him and of who he was fond, in his way, which was not much. Not the best start for a fairy tale, or maybe the best start, who knows. But let's put it this way, I learned about the rules of family from day one. I broke the first and main one, which is to never get in between someone and their mother, I got in the way of eight, big time. Hey, you do what you got to do, and I had to get born. Guilt, who needs it? Not me.

Awkward Moment

Dear Madrone, I was at the health club the other day and Rosie, my son's first girlfriend's mother was weeping and moaning over the retirement of her hairdresser, and her disatisfaction over the state of her highlights. The following conversation took place ME: Rosie, you look fine HER: you didn't say Rosie you look stunning. ME: uh uh
HER: Gotcha, didn't I. ME: uh uh. What should I have said? We were at our exercise place, just finished 30 minutes,and she looked fine, not stunning. But I meant it as a compliment not an insult which is how she took it. Unintentional Insulter, Half Moon Bay

Dear Un, This is her problem not yours. Let it go. God bless, Donna

Is Family Everything?

Dear Madrone, Is family everything? Isn't there something that isn't? Wondering, Missoula

Dear Wonder, Family is everything. And everything is family. Now, remember, what's family to you isn't family to someone else. For example, my cousin Alberto never married, and his mother and father died young, may they rest, but he belonged to the local garden club, and was well known for his prize hybrid teas. He had a garden as big as a football field, filled with every kind of rose you ever heard of and some you never did. He watched over those plants like they were children, which they were to him and his garden club buddies were their aunts and uncles. He was never lonely, in fact he did much better than my neighbor Frankie, who had seven brothers who teased him and a wife it was clear he couldn't stand, and ingrate children who took him for all he was worth and let the state pay his nursing home bills when he fell and broke his hip. Sad, but true. Just goes to show. God bless, Donna

Japanese Thumb Trap

You can get these at a carnival, or order them through the computer- you know what I'm talking about, those little straw tubes, you slip a pinky into each one. IF you try to pull out, it just tightens up, no go. You have to push in, the tube scrunches up and gets wider, and bingo, your pinkies are free. It's like that with the eyerolling vegetarian inlaws. Don't resist, go with.
Sample conversation:
YOU: Pass the meatballs
VEGGIES: You really should be careful of that red meat, mad cow, all that.
YOU: I know, I know, you're so right.

The key to this is to say it while you are shoveling inthe meatballs. Under no circumstances use sarcasm. After a few times, they'll stop mentioning it. Trust me.

Vegetarian Smackdown

Dear Madrone, My in laws don't eat meat. I don't mind that. I make them special dishes, no meat at all, tasty things, lots of eggplant, lasagne all cheese, you name it. But that doesn't satisfy them, because they roll the eye and make it their business to inquire after my cholesterol and blood pressure and other items that are none of their business, but they are trying to be helpful. I don't think they mean to be rude, but it feels that way. What do I do, my spouse is not a vegetarian, but he loves his parents. As he should. I am beginning to become aggravated, but I feel I can't say anythng that would make things better not worse. Carnivorous, Carnarsie

Dear Carn, You are subject to conflicting rules. You can't get in between someone and his mother, and you can't pretend things are nice when they are not. The first course of action is to talk to your spouse about how you feel, but the way you put it is crucial. You can't say I think your family is crazy, why do I have to put up with them? Because he is putting up with your family, trust me, I don't even have to know the details, that's how it is. If that doesn't bring you satisfaction, and you still are having agita, you can use the Japanese Thumbtrap approach, which I will explain in greater detail, tomorrow. God Bless, Donna

Money Problem

Dear Madrone, I have a good job, but never enough money. How can I save? Always behind, Littleton

Dear Behind,, Remember what I told you? It's never just about the money. Don't shake your head at me...you have some need to be in the hole. I have no idea what that is, either, since you don't say. Trust me on this one. Like my sister's mother in law's sister, who NEVER learned to drive, you'd feel sorry for her, but she got everyone and their uncle to take her to the Walgreens and the senior citizens. IT may be like that for you with money. Or not. God bless, Donna

The Silent Treatment

Dear Madrone, My last boyfriend talked me to death. I finally broke up with him because he would go on and on and on and on about every little thing, what we should eat, how well we got along,(only we didn't, he didn't notice me covering my ears in pain) whether or not it was worth spending the extra money for a car with six cylinders. You name it, everything was a federal case. My latest boyfriend is a mummy. I could run over his cat with a pick up truck (in fact I did, I told him it was an accident, but I wanted to see if he'd open his mouth) Not a word, just a nod, and a quick burial, and a shrug. He gives me the silent treatment at least once a day. Why can't I find someone in between? Is there anyone? SeeSawing, Salamanca

Dear See Saw, In answer to the question you asked, Yes. In answer to the unspoken question, which is why can't I find someone like me?? I don't think you'd want to.

How I got this way

Readers sometime ask me how I got this way. Here's how, I lived. Plenty of people live, but they might as well not get out of bed, for all the good it does them, they don't learn a thing. I made plenty of mistakes, I don't deny. But it also helps to have a good imagination, there's plenty of mistakes I don't make just because I can imagine EXACTLY what will happen. People know more than they let on, they just hate to admit to themselves what's what.

And what can I say, some of it I was just born with. Lucky me.

Can you believe this?

Dear Madrone, A friend of mine from the old neighborhood moved to the middle of Pennsylvania or upstate NY, someplace you think it would be nice to visit, but never do because it's so far. She just sent me an invitation to the first communion of her grandchild, and I have no intention of going, especially since I haven't seen hide nor hair of her since her daughter was eight. What should I do about the gift.I don't think I can send one with a gracious heart. Concerned, Tribeca

Dear Con, Then don't. God bless, Donna

PS. If you are asking if you can stiff your friend without causing her aggravation, the answer is no.

Attitude

Here's a question I get all the time.

Dear Madrone, what is attitude? How do I get some? Doormat, Lesterville

To ALL the Doormats: Attitude is related to savvy, but not the same thing. A person with attitude but no savvy often ends up in the emergency room of life, with things broken, hearts, noses, promises. A person with savvy, but no attitude might end up a professor or something, an egghead who knows what's going on, but can't do anything about it. Attitude comes in degrees, and you don 't have to say a word...it's how you look out of your eyes. BACK OFF! or DON'T START WITH ME! or I KNOW WHAT"S WHAT. In other words, MESS AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Now, how do you get that? Some people are born with it, Even in the playpen the other babies steer clear, give over their pacifiers. But you can learn it by getting fed up with being a doormat, and saying ENOUGH. I don't give a rat's A** if you're upset. Here's how it's going to be. No one can talk anyone into having attitude. It's something you have to come into all on your own. Good luck. God bless, Donna

PS...A little attitude can go a long way.

Shy Boy

Dear Madrone, Please help. There is this boy in my class, he is smart and funny and thoughtful. I really like him. He asked a couple of other girls out, and they gave him the cold shoulder, so now he thinks no one would like him. I thought about making the first move, because with some guys, you can be all over them, but this one is old fashioned, I don't think he'd see it as a plus. . So how do I get him to ask me out?? Eager to please, Julian

Dear Eager,, You're waiting for the light to go on, but you don't want to pull the switch. Couple of things here. He may not like YOU, and is too polite to encourage. OR, as you suspect, he is down on himself because of a couple of bad outings. Cut this out and leave it where he will find it:

HEY YOU! Get over yourself, and take a look around. Luck can change. The person who cut this out and left it around thinks you should take a shot.

God Bless, Donna

Not malicious

Dear Madrone, there is this person on my block who thinks who she is. And we always have to hear it. I can't stand to hear one more word about what a good deal she got on this, or the fabulous the home of her car dealer son, god forbid she should admit that she ever had a problem or that someone else might have something good. And yet, she's not malicious. What can I do about this? I have read through your guidelines and I don't believe my family can take hers in a street fight. Sick and Tired, San Leandro

Dear Malish, With that attitude, there is nothing you can do. Avoid or suffer. That's it. God bless, Donna

Mustard Sandwiches

Dear Madrone, Rory, the youngest child of my oldest cousin's next door neighbor is notoriously fond of mustard sandwiches, which are made by slathering French's mustard on Wonderbread. I have personally seen him devour four of these at one sitting, and neighborhood legend has it that he eats little but. This can't be right. What's wrong with his parents, would it kill them to feed him pastini or a meatball once in a few? I am outraged,but my better half says I should mind my own beeswax, as said child is not my own and besides, is always smiling and is on target to grow tall enough to play center forward for the Knicks. But still.. Itching to hotline them, Ft. Drum

Dear Itching, The diet you describe is criminal, I agree. By all means hotline. I'm sure the smile is a cover up to hide the pain. OR worse, he may have no idea what eating is about, and so does not know any better than to be happy and thrive. BUT BE WARNED as a** backward as his parents may be in this matter, it's still between him and his mother. You may certainly interfere, but expect major paybacks heading your way. You will be reviled by the neighbors for sticking your nose into their business, because they WILL find out it's you, trust me, and your spouse will be disgusted and you, mark my words, will be the bad guy.
Just be sure your righteous feeling is worth all the grief you are going to get for being such a busybody. God bless, Donna

Cheapskates

I've been thinking about cheapskates lately. Listen to this

Dear Madrone, Last week I met my cousin in the city for lunch, and since I paid the last three times, it was her turn to pick up the tab. And she didn't. I ended up paying again. It's not like she doesn't have the money, she is paid very nicely at her company, this we all know, as she's mentioned it more than once. I can afford it, and up until this last time I had the gracious heart. No more. I am beginning to feel like a doormat. Should I insist she pay next time, or let it go?
Troubled, Hartland
Dear Hart, Just how much is this cousin's company worth to you? For example, is she nose snorting funny? You have three choices. Insist she pay, keep paying, or avoid - make excuses- no need to lie, adjust your life. Any of these will work, but don't expect your cousin to either change or thank you for your honesty. Cheapskates don't think of themselves that way. God bless, Donna

Hang Dog Boy

Dear Madrone, I am concerned about my son. He is always so hang dog, moping around the house, you think that he just lost his best friend, but he couldn't due to the fact he has no friends at all. He's fourteen it isn't normal for him to keep his nose in a book, or glued to a screen. I've done everything, including spend hours and hours of time with mothers I don't particularly care for, in the hopes that he would show some signs of life and interact. I give up. It's his life, yes? or no? Should I keep trying? Fed up, Balboa

Dear Fed, Trying what? Pretending you like people so he can learn to have pretend friends, too? Leave him alone. There's no need for everybody to be a social butterfly. Unless of course, you suspect that instead of a placid pool, you are raising a time bomb with a very silent tick, what's the big deal?? There are worse things a 14 year old boy could be doing besides reading, unless of course he's reading about those things, which still isn't that much to write home about. God bless, Donna

Wild Girl

Dear Madrone, My mother's aunt's goddaughter Lena is wild. She's always running with the boys, and has a reputation. The father has tried locking her in her room but she is expert with a picklock and has no fear of heights. The mother prays constantly, and everyone berates her, but it does no good. Lena is the most defiant person I have ever met. What can anyone do? Concerned, Center Moriches

Dear Concerned, IF the child in question is under eighteen, berating, incarceration, deprivation and certain varieties of punishment are all worthy tools, as are heart to hearts, see how much we love yous and reverse psychologies. However the mistake is thinking that these are going to be effective in the short term. They are not.These are long term strategies. The truly wild child, if they survive, grows up and nine times out of ten, turns into a stricter parent than their parents ever dreamed of being. If you are talking about an over eighteen year old, there is nothing to be done. However,it is best to keep in mind that no rule of any sort requires that you fund activities that disturb you. God bless, Donna

Back stabbing, Part 2

Dear Madrone, I wish to take out my betrayer. Please advise. Still Furious, Malaga

Dear Mal, , All you need is a heart of reinforced steel. Once you go down this road,the one who prevails is the one who shows no mercy. You must be willing to pursue your vengeance with a single minded determination, the kind that chews up asphalt, mows down any obstacle and pays no attention to weeping children or limping dogs along the way. IF you can summon up a no regrets resolve, then pretty much it doesn't matter what you do, you can ask your betrayer to pass the salt, and she will feel dread. She will know that you are willing to lie, steal, damage, poison anything of value to her and will be unable to have a completely peaceful moment until she breathes her last or makes amends, sobbing at your feet.
And yet this power is like acid, burns the container too. My uncle's best man Rolly was betrayed when his brother Lou told their mother that Rolly had, against her wishes, dated a person who was, shall we say, different. The mother cut Rolly dead. Rolly made it his business to make Lou's life after that a living hell. The two of them went to early graves, they died of heart attacks a week apart. The mother buried them both, and ended up living in an old age home that smelled of wet cats with no one to visit her. It wasn't pretty. God bless, Donna

Family Health

Dear Madrone, How can I tell if my family is healthy? You hear so many stories of people thinking everything is OK, then Kaboom, this one does themself harm, or that one tells everyone off, then disappears. Like my cousin Rodella's son's girlfriend's aunt, who everyone thought was with the program, until one day, she came home with a tattoo displayed prominently over her left bazoomba stating YOU WISH and blew town with a biker boyfriend. No one saw it coming. Is this preventable? Was there anything anyone could have done? Anxious, Ocean City

Dear Anxious, Family health is not easy to determine because a family is composed of individuals, who for some reason known only to heaven, are not identical. The same family that is healthy for one is poison to another. The only answer I can give to your first question is the same one the dentist gave me, when I asked him if he thought my wisdom teeth might be impacted. He said, when they are you won't have to ask. As for the tattoed biker chick, who knows? People run off for all sorts of reasons, some of them good, some of them bad. God bless, Donna

Back Stabbing

Dear Madrone, My best friend from across the street, my so called I swear I'll never tell, on my mother's life, you can trust me,lying through her teeth is a complete back stabber. She told a dead secret of mine, and now my reputation is ruined, my marriage is in a shambles and mostly likely I will lose my job. The B*** excuse my French is looking to take my place all sympathy with my husband, and ready to talk me down at any chance. How can I make her pay? Furious, Malaga

Dear Mal, You have two choices. Forget it, and move on. I don't mean you ever have to talk to your betrayer, or even wish her well, I mean don't obsess. Or you can take her out. There is no in between. Consider very carefully before you take her out. How far are you willing to go? Jail time? Large amounts of payments that you may lose in a civil suit, the pity of your friends if it doesn't go well?
Even if it does go well, there can be blow back.Sympathy goes to the latest victim, and you might even discover you have a conscience which gives you remorse, although that's a waste, you still can be hamstrung by it. The other way is healthier all around. Think about it and let me know which way you want to handle this and we'll take it from there. God bless, Donna

Can you believe this one?

Dear Madrone, My father's sister's husband's cousin's oldest daughter has four children, three of them are the spitting image of the father, like three dumplings, brown eyes, brown hair, the same schnozzola, which is sort of a pity for the girl, although it didn't keep her from making a good match, who is no prize himself in the looks department, but makes a nice living,and would walk through fire for her. However The fourth and youngest child looks like no one else. Blonde as can be,thin and fair, and legs three miles long. What do you think? Is it really their daughter? Suspicious, Coram

Dear Suspicious, Do they act like she is? Then she is, end of story. God bless, Donna

Everything is crazy

Sometimes people say to me, Madrone, everything is crazy. By which they mean, somethings aren't the way they expect them to be. Like this lady who writes me from Floral Park: Dear Madrone, Everything is crazy. My son just graduated from nursing school and my daughter hauls bricks for a long distance trucking company. Where did I go wrong? Topsy Turvey.

Dear Turvey, Unless I am missing something, you haven't gone wrong. Unless you are hiding something, I don't know what your problem is. Are your children healthy? Do they support themselves? Are they jerks? If you can answer yes, yes, no, than you have done about a good a job as any mother living or dead. Get a grip. God bless, Donna

What did I tell you?

What did I tell you a million times about getting in between a person and their mother? This person doesn't understand that there are no exceptions to this rule. I mean really.


Dear Madrone, My youngest brother is like a king in our home. He doesn't lift a finger and expects the world to be brought to him on a carpet. The rest of us slave like dogs, bring our mother to the doctors, run ourselves ragged, only to listen to what a pearl the no good is. When we speak up, our mother says we're jealous, he deserves the best. But he wouldn't walk across the street to pick her up even if she were lying in the gutter. Worse, she gives him everything we give her. Everything. Which he gladly takes like he's doing her a favor. How long can this go on? Despairing, Lost River

Dear Lost, It will go on as long as your mother wants it to go on. What did I tell you? There is nothing you can do. Oh you probably want some magic formula, but there is none. Your mother is a doormat for her youngest son, who has no shame about walking on her. Good or bad she has her reasons. Short of declaring her legally incompetent, you have nothing to say about who she gives what, and that's that.
Interfere at your own peril. God bless, Donna

Nine Times Out of Ten...

Oh there's more:
Nine times out of ten,

the disaster that you think of ISN'T the disaster that happens.

the thing you worry that you forgot to do, you did, but you don't even think about the thing you actually forgot.

the person you bent over backwards for holds it against you

the money you spent trying to make someone love you makes them resent you

the bad thing that happens has unexpected good results

the good thing that you got also came with side effects you didn't count on and don't want

Nine Times Out of Ten....

Nine times out of ten, when people say they want you to be honest, they don't.

Nine Times Out of Ten

Nine times out of ten,

1.You don't get money back when you lend it to family.
2. The person you don't want to hear what you said behind their back hears it
3. The day you call in sick to go to the sales at National Liquidators even though you NEVER do it and probably won't again, is the day that the big boss comes around to inspect.
4. Your children will grow up and do all the things they swore they'd never do when they had children of their own.

There is more. This is just some of what you can count on.

Warning: Avoid the crepe hanger

Listen up.. crepe hangers are not worth your time. Avoid them.
Now you may ask me, Madrone, what if I am related to one, or married to one, or someone I am married to is related to one or someone I am related to is married to one? What do you suggest I do then? Well, one part is easy, nobody broke your arm to marry did they? If you'd listened to me in the first place and avoided the crepe hanger, you wouldn't be filing the joint tax return now. But if you're related to one, there are two options..Avoid, and take the heat from the others who do not understand, or Put up with, and be aggravated. When the aggravation you feel outweighs the heat you will get from other family, then you will act. Now there are ways of avoiding, some better than others, to be discussed later. God bless, Donna

PS- A crepe hanger is the kind of person who, even if you meet them on a sunny day with a $1000 from the lucky four scratch off instant lotto in your pocket, you end up going home thinking about skin cancer and the bite the government is going to take out of your winnings.

Pity

Dear Madrone, why do you have such a stake up your butt about pity? I pity you. Kind hearted, Los Angeles

Dear Los, I, however, do not pity you back. I will, after answering this letter, ignore you, and that's about that. What good does your pity do for me? Nothing. It only serves to make you feel good about yourself, but for nothing, which is why you are wasting your time. IF I put any stock in pity I would be sorry for you using up your precious minutes on this instead of knitting mittens or buying a lottery ticket. Something useful. God bless, Donna

Big Shots...... I tell you #2

With big shots, it all depends, are these cousins, with a small c or Cousins with a capital C or COUSINS, all caps, which probabably means their mother and father are sister and brother to your father and mother.

Small c, you are free to insult or ignore- the only heat you'll get is from them, and that is only if they actually register your existence. People like that usually don't know other people breathe. Everyone else will understand.

Capital C means you have to see them every week at the barbecue, the only way you can avoid them is not going, but that's cutting off your nose to spite your face. Short of open warfare, which is sometimes called for, but not for this penny ante stuff, you can take measures. Under no circumstances try to do them one better, you can't. Instead confine yourself to this one comment, every time. : You are the luckiest, smartest, bravest, thriftiest- pick whatever adjective applies to the circumstance- people I have ever heard of. Madonna, I hope you are wearing a little red ribbon. Trust me, after a while they will stop. But you have to say it like you mean it. This will make them nervous.

ALL CAPITALS- You are stuck with these people, no matter what. The only way you can break from them is amputation. If they're gangrene, by any means, you cut them out of your life. Just be sure it's an arm or a leg your cutting out, not a heart or a liver. God bless, Donna

Big Shots........You tell me #2

Ok, what would you do with this one?

Dear Madrone, my cousins are always shooting off their mouths about this car they bought and that vacation they took, and how much their children give them and how great a deal they got on this or that high priced item. I have not the faintest idea how they afford all that, the husband works in a shirt factory, or so he says, but I don't see no shirts. Well he could work in a hundred shirt factories, if I have to listen to one more story, I will have to do damage...how can I get them to shut up? Frantic, Altamount

Beware of Onesy Onesy

Onesy Onesy is a dangerous game. It goes like this. Your wifey makes a comment about your mother's gravy, compares it unfavorably to the starchy crapola purchased at the local A&P. You take this without comment, but later that night, you mention in passing that the last time you had dinner at with your inlaws, you practically had to beg for helpings, they are so stingy with portions,how on earth could your family be so flabby. Then the wife hits you up with a comment about the water bill being paid late, just like the way your brother always returns the lawnmower needing gas. To which you reply at least he mows his lawn, which is a slap at her sister who the wife can't deny has a disgraceful amount of dandelions on her front lawn, only it isn't your place to point it out. AND SO IT GOES. Trust me, if you don't stop it, it ends with gunplay.

Sticky Fingers....................I Tell You #1

Ok, If you said she should rat out the person in question you were right....
AND wrong. Because according to the rules of family, unless of course, she was stealing from yours, let's assume not, since nothing was said in the letter, you can go either way on this, it doesn't make any real difference to anyone but you. So you could just decide to MYOB, who asked you, you don't know the whole story, why get involved, let it be. Or you can confront directly and say, I know what you're up to quit it or I'm turning you in I don't recommend this, too complicated, and really namby pamby. Besides you can't talk people into being honest. Or if you bring in the heat, you can either play dumb when people wonder who called the gendarmes or say directly I called the cops, she's a disgrace bringing up my taxes. All of these options are equally fine: do whatever lets you sleep at night.

Sticky Fingers..............You Tell Me #1

Ok all of you, I know what's what, but I can't be there all the time when this or that happens, and you need to rely on your own savvy, which some of you, we all admit, have in short supply. But hey, I'll be a big shot and lend you a hand. Here's the question, you think what you should do with it, and I'll tell you whether you know how to act like you were raised right. (Now I'm not saying you weren't, please this isn't about your mother, it's about you, I keep my own rules, at least most of the time.) How do you advise the poor schmoe who asks me this:

Dear Madrone, I am in a pickle.My girlfriend's best friend's cousin has sticky fingers. I mean we can't go to the store, to a restaurant that something doesn't walk out with her that didn't walk in. Now I'm not a saint, and I have been known to stash the odd packet of Equal from the diner and who doesn't take conditioner and shampoo from the motel, even if you didn't open it, everyone knows they throw those out if you don't.But this one's a real prize, I've seen her lift an entire wardrobe, include matching underwear and co-ordinating press ons. No one says boo to her, her father is on the job. But this can't be right. Should I rat her out? Honestly concerned, Philly.

Meaning of Trinacria

The Trinacria is the symbol of Sicily. It's Medusa in the middle, and for your information, Medusa has been given a bum rap- she's always the bad guy in the stories they tell the kids, but believe me she's not. Which isn't to say that she couldn't turn you to stone, but that's not the whole story. The legs stand for the three corners of the island, but also could stand for kick butt, kick up your heels, and alive and kicking. Or kick off, kick the bucket or kick in the slats. Take your pick.

PS- Medusa is just PO-ed, and she has a right to be. Look it up.

The Trinacria

To Be Explained.

Move on.

Dear Madrone, I have done a terrible thing. My cousin's best friend was going out with someone I had my eye on. So I told him that said person was cheating on him. A nasty fight ensued, the relationship went in the dumper, they both married other people and the marriages, I must say were not happy.
One marrige was recently profiled on the front page of the Daily News and the other has given plenty of work to the reporters on Court TV. I am so sorry for what I did. Is there any way I can make up for it? Regretful, Regency Park

Dear Ful, Forgeddaboudit. Nothing you can do. What did I tell you about regret, waste of time. Let me ask you, did you learn anything? Well you should have, even if it was just that lying is hardly ever the way to go, although sometimes it is. Not in this case. God bless, Donna

PS-Liars annoy me, but sometimes agita is just the price you have to pay.

Free Show

Dear Madrone, My next door neighbor's daughter wears the skimpiest dresses, you can practically see her hoosis, and her girls might as well be uncovered, for all the protection and support she gets from her clothes. This is disgusting. How can I suggest to her mother that she should cover up? Blushing in Flushing

Dear Blushing First off, you sound like someone whose son, or husband, why not, is enjoying the sights a little too much. Be that as it may, you suggest to the mother she cover up by going over and saying I think your daughter should cover up. What you really want to know is if there is any way to make this suggestion without making war with the family next door, well you can't. Because no matter if the mother says I know I know, you'll be breaking rule #1 by suggesting to a mother she doesn't know how to raise her own child. So decide which is more aggravating. The free show or bad blood with your neighbors. God bless, Donna

The big deal about sex

Dear Madrone, what's the big deal about sex? Bamboozled, Boise, Idaho

Dear Bamboozled, Idaho huh? Well first you do not say whether you have had any first hand aquaintaince with the topic, that's one answer. IF you HAVE any actual experience, and just didn't find it all that appealing, that's another. I will answer in general, since you do not indicate why you ask. As far as families are concerned, in the old days, sex was the only way you could make new people for the new families. So THAT was the big deal. These days, if people aren't growing on trees, they will be soon, so sex gets to be more of a hobby, like knitting or model railroads, and you know how crazy people can get about their model railroads. God bless, Donna

Spare me!

Here's something I wish to be spared- listening to idiots complain about things that can't be helped. For example, it's raining. Can you help this? No. Or the sun is too hot. Can you help this? No. Either way, you get an umbrella, problem solved. Many things in life are like this. I woke up this morning, listening to some jamoke on the radio actually having a conversations with some other palooka talking about making laws to decree what is or what isn't a family. Look, I'm as traditional as the next person, more traditional. I'm so traditional you can set entire calendars by the rules I follow. But I know better than to beat my head against a wall. But here I am annoying myself, complaining about stupidity which has been around a long time, and doesn't seem to be going anywhere fast.

Garter Belts and the perfect world

Something to consider: It will not be a perfect world until men can wear garter belts the same way women can wear pants: Which is to say if they feel like it.

Another thing that annoys me

Backstabbers

Life is not fair

Dear Madrone, I buy the lotto every week, faithfully since I was twelve. I play every lucky number, I pay attention to my dreams, and have promised half my winnings will go to the church. Nothing, Nada, I don't even come close. The lady down the street, who is not the nicest person in the world, plus her front lawn is scattered with the toys of her unruly children and the neighborhood stinks from the droppings of the dog she doesn't leash, SHE hits the powerball yesterday for 150 million. And I just saw on the TV that this is the only time she's ever played, "bought the ticket on a whim." I am gnashing my teeth. Is this fair? Shaking my fist, Port Jarvis

Dear Fist, My advice is to unclench that fist, and go get yourself a cup of coffee and a nice anisette to dunk and let it go. The answer to the question you asked is no. The answer to the question you didn't ask is that nobody deserves anything, not the good stuff that happens to them, not the bad. It's just what happens. If you think that it actually MEANS something, that you can act a certain way to get a certain thing, good luck with that. God bless, Donna

Whining

Dear Madrone, My boyfriend is a doll face. However, his family whines. All the time. As if the good Lord himself had added an eighth day to creation, just to invent aggravation for them alone. The weather, the cost of sausage, the quality of the plastic with which they protect the couches that they paid an arm and a leg for but weren't worth it. The doctors that prescribe them medicine that they take but does them no good. They don't complain, complaining would mean some backbone, which they do not possess. I love my boyfriend, but his family is already driving me out of my mind. Is this grounds for breaking up? Enough already, Marina Park

Dear Enough, Tough one. It doesn't sound so good from here. I mean, you are already writing for advice, and he hasn't yet coughed up the ring. Unless you think he is sincerely ready to make a break with the old ways and form a new, more content family with you. In which case, it might be worth a shot. In that case, ask yourself , can you refrain from whining to him about his family? Because can either join in, or resent. Either way you're in a fix. And remember, you will never be free of his family, even if you live a thousand miles away. God bless, Donna

The Heat

Dear Madrone, you're always mentioning the heat. What exactly do you mean by it?? Curious, Santa Ana

Dear Curious, It's whatever bothers you. Some people don't like being put in handcuffs and hauled away to do time. Other people can't stand it if their next door neighbor, who just moved in and they don't know them from Adam, gives them a look because of the dandelions on the front lawn going to seed. No matter what sets it off, it's ALWAYS better to face it up front, or it comes around later to bite you. God bless, Donna

I repeat myself

Dear Readers, I have been given gas on the previous subject, but I repeat myself. It is a very common mistake to mix up families and religion. Most of you are thinking about going to church, or temple, or mosque, or whatever, with your kids. That is a good thing to do, helps with all the lessons you want them to learn like being nice to other people, and being honest, and in general cleaning up after yourself when you make a mess. If more families could follow that, then life would be simpler all around. This is an entirely different thing than believing a religion. Now I mean no disrespect to people who actually BELIEVE in a religion, whatever it is,and by believe I mean practice it,which if you're being honest at all, you can say that very few people do. Those people let gothe things of this earth, which means NOT putting food on the table for your babies, or having parties for your father when he turns 80, or driving a nice, safe car with air bags and a really good child seat, and making cookies for the PTA or working overtime to pay for the braces. Those things are what family is about...taking care of each other, as best you can. Religion is all about letting someone else worry about those things. Next time you're in church, look around see if anyone around you is dressed in lily petals, or eating worms. God bless, Donna

Families and Religion

Let me tell you something right this minute... Whoever put together families and religion should get a medal for brilliant, if by medal you mean kick in the pants and brilliant you mean ridiculous. All the families that pray together stuff.. yeah, families that pray together stay together, but so do families that rob banks and families that win Olympic medals.. it's not what they're doing but THAT they're doing.

Religion is all about the next world, families are all about this one. Period. If you don't believe me, just check whatever holy book floats your boat. Just take one for example, somewhere in the Bible, I recall a bunch of men being told to stop fishing for fish, Ok then, just who do you think was back home waiting for some frigging fish to cook for dinner? and who had to tell hungry little kids that daddy wasn't coming back with any mackerel, or whatever, he was off "fishing for men", which is kind of a code for hanging out with the boys forever. And all this worshipping of virgins...if that isn't detrimental to families, I don't know what is.

I'm not saying you shouldn't have religions, in fact, if you don't have them, you cut out most of your bigger family holidays, but don't get confused by them.

Give me strength.

Dear Madrone, My middle daughter isn't a bad person, I see that she has friends and her own children are polite, and her husband, a real gentleman, even if his family has strange ideas, and a good provider, so no complaints there, even so, when I go visit her, it's like a ton of bricks weigh on my heart. They don't live right, I'm sorry. I don't recognize anything sensible in the way that they arrange their lives...nothing from the way WE do things has remained.
I try my best to hide my dismay, but it's hard to hold my tongue when I see salad being served at the beginning of the dinner, and no pie with the coffee. And don't get me started on the way she lets my granddaughter's hair hang in front of her eyes. How can I prevent myself from saying something harsh? Biting Tongue, Los Alamos

Dear Biting, Oh you can prevent yourself from saying something harsh by keeping your mouth shut, it's that simple. What you need to ask is how you can keep yourself from thinking these things. Because your daughter can read your mind, just the way you can read hers. God bless, Donna

A note to the rest of you: You know how sometimes you think you're getting along Ok, even if some things aren't quite right, and then all of a sudden someone treats you like you don't exist and you're completely stunned, what did you do that was so terrible. The above letter is what you did.

What about pets?

Dear Madrone, Are pets family? Allergic, Los Alamos

Dear Allergic, Pets are family the same way babies are, except that babies grow up, as they should. People who treat pets like family are looking to stop time, which they can't but with their pets they can pretend. IF a person regards a pet as family, and some do (remember, you can't tell anyone who is or isn't their family) then the rules apply. The thing about pets is that they can't give you gas about the way you treat them unless of course you treat them so bad they eventually run away or turn on you. In this way they are also similar to human family. God bless,Donna

PS. If you are the kind of bonehead who continues to treat a family member like pet, long after babyhood is over, you are in for it.
PPS.About the allergy. If you are really allergic and the person in question still keeps the pet around, it's a message. Get it.

Three's a Crowd?

Dear Madrone, You always say that a family is whatever a person says it is.. so does this mean a husband can have more than one wife, or a wife have more than one husband, or there be two husbands, or two wives? HUH? What do you say about that?? Gotcha, Cedar Rapids

Dear Got CHA, Do you know the frigging difference between theory and practice?? For example, in theory, I could be a power forward for the NBA,in practice I can't. Right?? Right. SO it's like this. In theory, a family can start with any of the above mentioned combos..but ALL parties must be content, otherwise power is being used wrongly. And to be content, each party must feel like they are number one. Now in the case of the twosomes, it's simple, each is number one to the other. When you get to three or more, that's where the trouble starts. EVERYONE wants to be number one, and everyone can't be, so someone is either unhappy or lied to. In which case, there is no real family. That's how that goes. God bless, Donna

What makes a family?

Dear Madrone, I am having a big argument with my daughter who is stubborn as a mule. She insists that without a man and without even the hint of a child, she can form a new family all her own. This world is crazy, where is she getting this idea? This has ruined more than one dinner. I can't make her see reason. Everyone is going insane, Chestnut Hill

Dear Insane, What have I told you one million thousand times? You can't tell anyone who is or isn't their family. My Aunt Lucia stayed her whole life alone and left all her money to her cat. Nobody was going to talk her out of that one, she said, the cat cleaned itself, and never said a harsh word, better than any man. And yes, I know what you're talking about, you think if you scream at your daughter, it will turn her back to something you can understand, or approve of, but it won't. She can't change your mind, and you won't change hers. Stubborn probably runs in the family. So you either let it go or continue screaming. Up to you. God bless, Donna

Note to Anonymous

Listen don't feel bad it took you years to figure out what's going on. I've been around the block more than once and I'm just beginning to put all the pieces together!
My advice is now that you know, go buy yourself a nice dress, why not? OR have lunch with someone who doesn't give you agita. Life is too short for most of the stuff people waste their time on.

Let's get this straight.

Dear Madrone, How do I know the difference between who has what I want, and who wants what I have? Puzzled, Altoona

Dear Puzzled Sometimes it astounds me the things people have to ask, because you know what they say about there being no stupid question...well, don't make me laugh. This question is exhibit one. Anyhow, everybody knows this difference, what everybody doesn't want to do is admit it, because they want to be 'nice'. I'm not against nice, but not if it's fake. But let's assume you really have no clue...
WHO HAS WHAT YOU WANT- Is someone who can hurt your family if you don't bow to them.
WHO WANTS WHAT YOU HAVE- Is someone whose family you can hurt if you feel so inclined.

That's it.

Rules (cont)

So, like I was saying, families agree on rules, inside and out, because in order for the family to run smoothly, power must only be used in the interests of justice and safety. When it gets used otherwise, like when a father grabs the newspaper out of the hand of a child peacefully reading it, because he can, no other reason, the child either harbors resentment, and plots to escape or get even, or accepts it and for the rest of his life thinks that he is the kind of person who gets a newspaper ripped from their hands and never says boo to ANYONE. Neither one of these makes for nice conversation at the Sunday barbecue.

These rules however,at times are better off broken. But only for good reasons. Believe me I don't know what those reasons are offhand...it always depends. If it didn't you wouldn't need me to help you out. But you do.

Let's talk about rules

People don't understand about rules. Some poor idiots think that just because there is a rule, you have to follow it. And this even includes the Rules of Family. (when you break them, you do get heat, what I'm saying is sometimes the heat is well worth it.) Someone ought to talk to them about what's what. Like I'm doing for you. Now I'm not saying you go breaking rules just to be a big shot, that's no good either. Rules exist for a good reason. Which I'll get to.

Back before there were rules, the person who everyone bowed to was the one who could break the most heads. Back then, muscle actually meant muscle. And that was the only rule. You don't like what I tell you, then kaboom, you had a tiger jaw bone brought down on your head. End of story. This went on for a while, until people got tired of being knocked around and figured out that numbers counted. And that you could persuade people with actual muscle that things wouldn't go so well for them if they continued to throw it around.

Let me tell you something

There is something desperate about people who call you on the phone to beg for money. What can I say. You can hang up. You can act crazy. You can agree with them completely about how wonderful and beautiful their cause is, but still say no, even though it breaks your heart. You can ask THEM for money to protect them from any "mishaps" that might occur if they keep up the calls. That's remarkably effective particularly if they don't realize that the local policia will investigate such statements, AH live and learn..