First things first? or Second?

Ok, now about inlaws, when should you start caring? There are two different schools of thought on this.
Love first, family second or never
Worst Case: Romeo and Juliet, (unless you think everyone in the entire world knowing your business long after you're ded is a good thing)
Best Case:Mr. and Mrs. LaVerio down the block. Their families HATE each other, always have, but they didn't care. Everyone else is dealing with it, they're going on 60 years married, still laughing their a**es off at everyone.

Family first, love no biggie
Worst Case: My sister in law's little sister married the guy down the street because the families thought that they were perfect, and she ended up in court after trying to stab his eyes out with a salad fork from the silver set she got from his granny. Mess.
Best Case: Beauty and the Beast. She did her thing with the monster to save her dad's hash, and ends up with a rich, good looking guy. (warning, this is the best case,most time what eventually gets revealed is less pretty, with worse manners)

Nine times out of ten, it doesn't predict actual happiness. So suit yourself on this one.

Arranged Matches

First: This advice is NOT for the people who let their families do the matchmaking. In that case, everyone is damn well sure they know each other, that's the whole POINT!
Now many readers write to me, asking me my thoughts on this matter. And I say, I would never get in between someone and their mother. That's rule one. So if your mother wants to pick your dearly beloved for you, I"m not going to tell her no. If you don't like it, YOU'VE got to tell her yourself with no help from yours truly.

If you are in that boat, the one that the families involved all have an oar, when the happy couple starts to row, it should be in the same direction. I'm not saying it makes things easier on the couple. It does make things easier on the families. Not the same thing at all.

In Laws

Right around this time of year, people like to have weddings. It's like they think that nice weather means a nice life. Which it may or may not, what do I know? I do know a thing or two about in laws. I've seen plenty of good people come to grief because they have no idea of the dangers that lurk. Kind of like you're on a boat, and the weather is great (hah!) and the sea is calm and you are singing a song, thinking everything is hunky dory, but you have a crappy map and what it doesn't tell you is that under the surface there are very pointy rocks that are going to rip a hole in the floor, or whatever it is they call the bottom of a boat, and the water that floods in is going to drown you and sink your ship.

So think of the next few days of advice as a really good map, which you should not leave in the trunk of your car.

Back

I've been away and now I'm back. Turns out there's just too much not following of the rules, and everyone needs as much help as they can get. What is clear and simple if you have your head on straight gets complicated fast when the head is up your (or someone else's_a**, excuse my French. Nine times out of ten, simple is better than complicated.

Too Skinny, Too Fat

My head is going to explode. People are too skinny or too fat, nobody is in between. Whatever.  It doesn't really matter, you know.   You hate yourself fat, you're going to hate yourself skinny.   Yes, it's that simple. Now you may want to know how not to hate yourself, that all depends. Worst case, you are a despicable low life, and should be hated. Best case, you just need a talking to from someone that you'd listen to.  Which may or may not be me. 

Money

Everybody and their uncle is going crazy about money these days. And what can I tell you, if you don't have a roof over your head and food for your kids, cash looks good. Check that, cash is good.  But once you have that covered, what's to go crazy about?  Money stands in for other things, if you have the things, you don't need the money. Love? Free.Health? A matter of smarts, and luck, although extra dough might seem to buy you a few minutes here and there, don't be fooled. You don't get any more time than it takes for you to finish the work you're supposed to do on this earth. And nobody, not even me, knows what that is. Respect? You can get the respect of people who respect money. but that's it.  

WORK

Things are tough these days, and if you have a job, you count your blessings, even if the job  is a PITA.  But let me tell you, even when times are good, jobs are jobs. That's why they pay people to do them. If it was all fun and games, you'd pay to do it.  So get a grip.  

I've been through plenty, let me tell you, and I've seen lots, crappy bosses, evil co-workers, cowards, cheats, blowhards, ninnies and crooks.  What can you do? You deal, that's what.   Work gets you through the week.  Which is not something to sneeze at. Because even if you hit the tri state powerball, you still have to get through the week, and in some ways it's harder, because you have to tell yourself what to do then, and that makes you your own boss, and you have to talk about yourself behind your back, and that's not that much fun. 

Another thing my father said

Every key is a headache.

Things My Father Said

My father, may he rest said a lot of things.
Here are a few

You can talk and talk and talk, but nothing gets done until someone picks up a wrench.

If bullsh## were production, we'd all be out of work

Chop chop, Count that day lost whose low descending sun sees from thy hand no worthy action done. (Ok he didn't make that up, but he said it A LOT)

You can't have two mechanics on a job. Someone has to be the helper.

All things being equal, I'm giving overtime to one of my own.

Lists, continued

If you have lists, it means you divide people up. For/against, good/bad, jerk/stand up guy, whatever. They aren't a good thing, in the big picture,people change, you can be wrong, or both. But in the short run, I can't do without mine. It helps the day run smooth to know where you stand. For example, if someone you annoy asks you for a favor, and you do it, you understand that they won't be grateful, and you don't have to waste time waiting to be thanked. In fact, you understand that they'll just be annoyed even more. So you can decide whether or not you want to do the favor, balance out the plus it puts in the favor bank vs. the minus of more annoyance on their part.

How you know you are a saint.

This is how you know you are a saint. You have no lists. That's that.

List of Lists

I realized the other day that I keep lists.    Here's a list of some of them

1. People I would give a kidney for, no questions asked

2. People who annoy me

3. People I know I annoy (Oddly not the same as #2, go figure)

4. People I don't respect

5. People I respect

6. People I would take on a treasure hunt

7. People I hear and obey

8.People who can do no wrong.

9. People I would throw under a bus

10. People who would throw me under the bus

11. People who have what I want

12. People who want what I have

And I bet there's more.

More on Threats

Listen up, I can't help it if this disturbs some of you, all this talk about threats. What can I tell you, the world is the world, if it was perfect, you'd be happy, but you wouldn't know it, because you can't know what happy is without sad. You'd just be. So leave me alone about it, it's not my fault.

Ok, so here's some rules.

1. Never make a threat that the threatenee thinks you don't have the nerve to carry out.
2. As much as possible make threats you know you won't have to carry out.
3. Follow through, only as a last resort. But don't half-a$$ it if you do. Nothing worse than that.
4. Learn how to threaten to threaten- that's the best. If people wish to avoid your threat to threaten, you're golden.

God bless, Donna

Threats

Threats.   Not just anyone can make a threat.   Making threats is an art form. If you can't make a decent threat, you might as well put a sign on your head that says, DOORMAT.   I mean, really.   Now you're going to say, Madrone that's terrible. What if everyone went around making threats like you recommend. Wouldn't the world be awful?? with everyone going around and smacking each other down? To which I say, if you make a decent threat, you never have to lift a finger. A person who knows what they're doing makes life easy and simple.  It's the people who don't know what they are doing who end up with lawsuits and restraining orders.  

What is Respect-2

Ok so you still are wondering what respect is.  Let me put it this way. Here's an example of what it isn't. 

  My neighbor down the block was married to a real bachagaloop, my hand to god.  He would rage if the soup was too hot, he would rage if it was too cool, he would rage.   Every one stepped around him in fear, even the dog.   And the dog was big, with sharp teeth.  As far as we knew he never raised a hand, only his voice, but still.  He was mean. Hard as nails.  But he was  a good provider, so what could anyone say? A good provider who doesn't beat is not that easy to find.  He fell over one day, kapow, heart attack, and after we were all back from the cemetary, my neighbor announces  to us that she was going to take  the insurance money to take tango lessons.  And everyone applauded her.   

What is Respect-1

 

LOVE: will do ANYTHING for you 

FEAR: will do ANYTHING  for you

RESPECT: will do some things for you, and takes both the heat and the thanks in stride. 

So what is Respect?

Readers,

   So the question comes up, if respect is such a big deal, what exactly is it? How do I know if I have it, how do I know if I'm getting it.  Sometimes I am surprised at the questions I have to answer, but then I think, of course I have to answer them. That's why I'm the Madrone. If people knew these things without asking..well the truth is they DO know these things, but they don't believe it unless someone like me tells them.

So respect.  It isn't 100% love, and it isn't 100% fear, but it's a combo of the both mixed with admiration for  the integrity and spine of  some who has savvy.   There's actually a formula that goes like this

 Respect  =   L  [Ad(Int + Sp) + Sa]/F       Do the math.  

God bless, Donna

PS- Coming soon, examples for those of you who stunk at algebra

What's the big deal?

Readers:

Sometimes people come to me and say, Madrone, you always tell us what's a waste of our time, but when is something a big deal? This is a good question.  Here are some guidelines for knowing whether something should be a big deal in this life. Actually there is only one guideline. 

Does it get you respect from people you respect? If it does, then it's a big deal.

That's it. 

Now I may think the people you respect are a bunch of idiots, so it wouldn't be that big a deal to me, but you wouldn't care what I thought, most likely.  Now it's possible that you might respect people who think each other stunada, in that case, you probably need therapy, or write me a letter about it, it's cheaper.  

God bless, Donna

 

Reminder about the main rule

Readers, 

I just got through listening to some TV program where they interviewed the lady who had 8 kids at one whack, when she had six others running around at home.   It's not for me, that's for sure, but according to the rules of family, it's nobody's business but hers and whoever she's convinced to go along with her for the ride.  Now if she forgets where she leaves one, or decides to  make them work sewing machines in the basement to make fancy dresses for rich ladies who don't have kids of their own to sew, people might make a case for stepping in. But short of that, it's not anyone's place to   look down their noses at her, or make noises about who can do what.  

The main rule of family is NEVER GET IN BETWEEN SOMEONE AND THEIR MOTHER. 

This goes for any mother, and any someones, especially if there are 14 of them at once. 

God Bless, Donna

 

SEPTEMBER

People write me all the time and ask me what I think about all kinds of things, because they need someone to tell them the most basic facts, like where is their elbow.

Here’s some things you need to know, if you’re gonna live right.

SEPTEMBER

Ok. About September. 99% of my family have birthdays in September. Do the math. It’s cold in January, you know what I’m saying. So, the first thing about September is what to do about all the people you have to remember, otherwise your name is mud.

Basic gift giving guide is the same all year round, but it comes in handy when you have to figure out what to get 25 relatives or more.

Under five, the present is not for the child, it’s a message for the parents how they stand with you.

Between five-twelve, it’s about what you think of the child. If the kid is an egghead and you get him a book, it means you approve. If you buy him a soccer ball it means you don’t. Simple.

12-moving out of the house, it doesn’t matter what you get, you can’t get them what they want, which is the freedom to do stuff that we all did when we were there age, but don’t talk about now. And friends, and REALLY GOOD Friends. Bottom line, nothing you can do to make them happy. At best, they’ll remember you tried.

After moving out to their own kids moving out- Write a check

Anyone older than that- No one cares that much to be reminded. Exception – Your own mother.

People ask me all the time about the big ones- The Three 0 and the Four 0 all the way to the really old 0’s like 8 or 9. If you don’t have a big party does it mean you have a bad family? Honestly I don’t know where these ideas come from. I don’t care what you do or don’t do. These big to-dos aren’t about the person, not really. They are about the family. It’s like hanging out a sign that says, wow, what a great family we are, there’s lots of us and we live a long time, and we have the money to spare on this. Good for us. Which may or may not be true. Who knows.

About those parties- Same rules apply as apply to weddings, but only half the bloodshed, since it’s about one family, and not putting two together to make a new one.