Things My Father Said

My father, may he rest said a lot of things.
Here are a few

You can talk and talk and talk, but nothing gets done until someone picks up a wrench.

If bullsh## were production, we'd all be out of work

Chop chop, Count that day lost whose low descending sun sees from thy hand no worthy action done. (Ok he didn't make that up, but he said it A LOT)

You can't have two mechanics on a job. Someone has to be the helper.

All things being equal, I'm giving overtime to one of my own.

Lists, continued

If you have lists, it means you divide people up. For/against, good/bad, jerk/stand up guy, whatever. They aren't a good thing, in the big picture,people change, you can be wrong, or both. But in the short run, I can't do without mine. It helps the day run smooth to know where you stand. For example, if someone you annoy asks you for a favor, and you do it, you understand that they won't be grateful, and you don't have to waste time waiting to be thanked. In fact, you understand that they'll just be annoyed even more. So you can decide whether or not you want to do the favor, balance out the plus it puts in the favor bank vs. the minus of more annoyance on their part.

How you know you are a saint.

This is how you know you are a saint. You have no lists. That's that.

List of Lists

I realized the other day that I keep lists.    Here's a list of some of them

1. People I would give a kidney for, no questions asked

2. People who annoy me

3. People I know I annoy (Oddly not the same as #2, go figure)

4. People I don't respect

5. People I respect

6. People I would take on a treasure hunt

7. People I hear and obey

8.People who can do no wrong.

9. People I would throw under a bus

10. People who would throw me under the bus

11. People who have what I want

12. People who want what I have

And I bet there's more.

More on Threats

Listen up, I can't help it if this disturbs some of you, all this talk about threats. What can I tell you, the world is the world, if it was perfect, you'd be happy, but you wouldn't know it, because you can't know what happy is without sad. You'd just be. So leave me alone about it, it's not my fault.

Ok, so here's some rules.

1. Never make a threat that the threatenee thinks you don't have the nerve to carry out.
2. As much as possible make threats you know you won't have to carry out.
3. Follow through, only as a last resort. But don't half-a$$ it if you do. Nothing worse than that.
4. Learn how to threaten to threaten- that's the best. If people wish to avoid your threat to threaten, you're golden.

God bless, Donna

Threats

Threats.   Not just anyone can make a threat.   Making threats is an art form. If you can't make a decent threat, you might as well put a sign on your head that says, DOORMAT.   I mean, really.   Now you're going to say, Madrone that's terrible. What if everyone went around making threats like you recommend. Wouldn't the world be awful?? with everyone going around and smacking each other down? To which I say, if you make a decent threat, you never have to lift a finger. A person who knows what they're doing makes life easy and simple.  It's the people who don't know what they are doing who end up with lawsuits and restraining orders.  

What is Respect-2

Ok so you still are wondering what respect is.  Let me put it this way. Here's an example of what it isn't. 

  My neighbor down the block was married to a real bachagaloop, my hand to god.  He would rage if the soup was too hot, he would rage if it was too cool, he would rage.   Every one stepped around him in fear, even the dog.   And the dog was big, with sharp teeth.  As far as we knew he never raised a hand, only his voice, but still.  He was mean. Hard as nails.  But he was  a good provider, so what could anyone say? A good provider who doesn't beat is not that easy to find.  He fell over one day, kapow, heart attack, and after we were all back from the cemetary, my neighbor announces  to us that she was going to take  the insurance money to take tango lessons.  And everyone applauded her.   

What is Respect-1

 

LOVE: will do ANYTHING for you 

FEAR: will do ANYTHING  for you

RESPECT: will do some things for you, and takes both the heat and the thanks in stride. 

So what is Respect?

Readers,

   So the question comes up, if respect is such a big deal, what exactly is it? How do I know if I have it, how do I know if I'm getting it.  Sometimes I am surprised at the questions I have to answer, but then I think, of course I have to answer them. That's why I'm the Madrone. If people knew these things without asking..well the truth is they DO know these things, but they don't believe it unless someone like me tells them.

So respect.  It isn't 100% love, and it isn't 100% fear, but it's a combo of the both mixed with admiration for  the integrity and spine of  some who has savvy.   There's actually a formula that goes like this

 Respect  =   L  [Ad(Int + Sp) + Sa]/F       Do the math.  

God bless, Donna

PS- Coming soon, examples for those of you who stunk at algebra

What's the big deal?

Readers:

Sometimes people come to me and say, Madrone, you always tell us what's a waste of our time, but when is something a big deal? This is a good question.  Here are some guidelines for knowing whether something should be a big deal in this life. Actually there is only one guideline. 

Does it get you respect from people you respect? If it does, then it's a big deal.

That's it. 

Now I may think the people you respect are a bunch of idiots, so it wouldn't be that big a deal to me, but you wouldn't care what I thought, most likely.  Now it's possible that you might respect people who think each other stunada, in that case, you probably need therapy, or write me a letter about it, it's cheaper.  

God bless, Donna

 

Reminder about the main rule

Readers, 

I just got through listening to some TV program where they interviewed the lady who had 8 kids at one whack, when she had six others running around at home.   It's not for me, that's for sure, but according to the rules of family, it's nobody's business but hers and whoever she's convinced to go along with her for the ride.  Now if she forgets where she leaves one, or decides to  make them work sewing machines in the basement to make fancy dresses for rich ladies who don't have kids of their own to sew, people might make a case for stepping in. But short of that, it's not anyone's place to   look down their noses at her, or make noises about who can do what.  

The main rule of family is NEVER GET IN BETWEEN SOMEONE AND THEIR MOTHER. 

This goes for any mother, and any someones, especially if there are 14 of them at once. 

God Bless, Donna

 

SEPTEMBER

People write me all the time and ask me what I think about all kinds of things, because they need someone to tell them the most basic facts, like where is their elbow.

Here’s some things you need to know, if you’re gonna live right.

SEPTEMBER

Ok. About September. 99% of my family have birthdays in September. Do the math. It’s cold in January, you know what I’m saying. So, the first thing about September is what to do about all the people you have to remember, otherwise your name is mud.

Basic gift giving guide is the same all year round, but it comes in handy when you have to figure out what to get 25 relatives or more.

Under five, the present is not for the child, it’s a message for the parents how they stand with you.

Between five-twelve, it’s about what you think of the child. If the kid is an egghead and you get him a book, it means you approve. If you buy him a soccer ball it means you don’t. Simple.

12-moving out of the house, it doesn’t matter what you get, you can’t get them what they want, which is the freedom to do stuff that we all did when we were there age, but don’t talk about now. And friends, and REALLY GOOD Friends. Bottom line, nothing you can do to make them happy. At best, they’ll remember you tried.

After moving out to their own kids moving out- Write a check

Anyone older than that- No one cares that much to be reminded. Exception – Your own mother.

People ask me all the time about the big ones- The Three 0 and the Four 0 all the way to the really old 0’s like 8 or 9. If you don’t have a big party does it mean you have a bad family? Honestly I don’t know where these ideas come from. I don’t care what you do or don’t do. These big to-dos aren’t about the person, not really. They are about the family. It’s like hanging out a sign that says, wow, what a great family we are, there’s lots of us and we live a long time, and we have the money to spare on this. Good for us. Which may or may not be true. Who knows.

About those parties- Same rules apply as apply to weddings, but only half the bloodshed, since it’s about one family, and not putting two together to make a new one.

What Gives?

Dear Madrone,
What do you think of this? I am going with a girl, let's call her Sue, because that's her name, for a long time,, maybe even years, whose counting? But I had to move to another city, let's call it Chicago, because that's where I went, and she didn't want to, because, well let's face it, her mother is not there, and she loves her mother. Ok I accept. So we talk by phone, I visit whenever, I send cards on the right days, and flowers too. We get together, if you know what I mean, not that often. I never complain, but finally I said, so what about it and she tells she wants more space. What gives?
Lonely, and puzzled without Sue in Chicago.

Dear Without,
Get a clue. And a new girlfriend.
God Bless, Donna

Seriously some people don't know what gives until it comes around and bites them on the a**, and even then.

Priorities

Dear Madrone, 

   My husband's father's sister in law is a nice lady.  She's way up there in years, for sure, lives in one of those state where people live a long time, I guess it's the cold that preserves them.   We visit once in a blue moon, it's a drive, and she's not a blood relative.  We were planning to visit in the fall, had everything set, but it turns out it's the weekend that a neighbor's son down the street is getting married, and we're invited.   My husband feels the need to visit the aunt, who knows what's around the corner.

So what's the thing to do?

Torn, Mount Redding.

Dear Torn,

   Good God, Gertie , you're kidding me right. You have to ask? Is this the first you've ever heard of me or anyone remotely connected to me? Were you born under a rock, or living in a cave, or are you just out to lunch?  This is a no brainer, even for people with no brains.  This is a trick, right? You kids who hang around the Pizza Carnival ought to get jobs instead of stuffing your faces, and bothering people who have better things to do. Sheesh.

God bless, Donna

  PS- In case this is legit, I take pity and spell it out.  Unless the neighbor in question 

saved the life of someone whose death would distress you greatly, you give them a nice gift, maybe nicer than you would have, explain you have family obligations, WHICH YOU DO, and go with your husband. 

Scootching

Dear Madrone, 

     My neighbor's daughter's cousin's children are scootches. They tease and tease and tease until somebody ends up crying, usually the smallest one who started it. It drives everyone on the block crazy,but when we tell them to stop, they run away.  What can we do to have peace?

Scootchified, Dix Hills

Dear Scootchified,

     What can I tell you? If you are not their mother, there is not much you can do. Unless of course this takes place in your home, in which case you can uninvite them from the premises.  You can complain to the mother involved, but that is very dangerous, because you would be breaking the rule of rules.  (If I have to remind you what THAT is, I will, after I'm done, but I can't believe you would forget what it is, but there you go, if people remembered everything important I would have less work.)

So assuming this is not taking place in or around your own house or children, you're best off just shaking your head and steering clear. 

God bless, Donna

READER! THE RULE OF RULES, if you follow this, nine times out of ten, you'll solve your own problems:

Never get inbetween someone and their mother. 

Summer

Dear Madrone, 

I hate summer.  Is this normal?

Sweaty,  Nome

Dear Nome

       No.

God bless, Donna

PS. Don't look at me like that. You asked, I answered.  If you meant to ask something else, what do I look like a mind reader?

READERS- Nine times out of ten, the question people ask is not the one they want the answer to, but help me out here, throw me a bone, and give me something to go on. 

Family Snafu

Dear Madrone,

    I lied about being busy to get out of a family barbecue at the home of a cousin I do not like, and  wouldn't you know it, my cousin Alpa saw me at the mall, where she was also avoiding the same event.  Now she is telling everyone she saw me shopping while she was working which was the lie she told, since she was surrounded by twenty boxes of shoes at the DSW, and not at the cosmetic counter at Clarins.  Should I combat this lie with another one?

Looking for guidance,  Mt. Kisco

Dear  Looking,

Lying doesn't work unless you are bald faced about it. Sounds like your face has some hair. So  tell the truth to whoever asks, and let the rest go.  People will forgive you, they have to, you're family. If they don't then there's nothing you can do. And the question you didn't ask, but should have, is why you lied in the first place.  

 God bless, Donna

PS- You might be surprised at how little people care.  

 

Important things

Dear Madrone,   

  You have a waste of time hall of fame, but what's the opposite? 

Curious, Forth Worth

Dear Curious,  

Everything else.  Look, let me break it down for you...we only have a certain amount of minutes on this earth.  You have to spend a certain number of them doing stuff that can't be helped, sleeping, eating, ironing. And by ironing, I mean all the other stuff you have to do to to get by. Now you can either iron your own stuff, or get someone to iron for you, but either way, it has to get done.   The better you are at the ironing part, the more precious minutes you have to kick back. Anything that interferes with with your enjoyment is a waste of time.  Now some people don't know whether they are enjoying themselves or not. I will deal with that next time.

God bless, Donna

FUGGEDABOUDIT

FUGGEDABOUDIT- This is a beautiful thing, this fuggedaboudit. Roughly translated it means,," this is how much I love you, I'm not going to smash your face in, which I could do, if I felt like it, without blinking, but of course I don't because this isn't worth a precious minute of my time, and neither are you if you keep up this garbage. So... back off /apologize/drop dead ...before you're sorry you made me turn my mind to what you ...said/did. Got that? Good. Now ...get outta/come over ... here.'

When someone backstabs you, this is best option.

Not everyone has the chops to pull this off. In fact very few.

FORGET VS FUGGEDABOUDIT

Say you  are in line for some paybacks- someone you trusted ratted you out, or stole you blind or otherwise took advantage of your good nature.  And you can't forgive. And you won't ignore.  Vengeance is out, because the rat in question doesn't want anything you have badly enough to make it worth the splash back.  So what's left? 

 Two things- You can forget it. OR you can fuggedaboudit.  

Here's the difference.  

Forgetting is you put it out of your mind. Like it never happened.  This is NOT, I repeat, NOT ignoring.  In order to ignore something, you have to know it's there, you just pretend it isn't.  Forgetting is erasing the incident completely from your mind.  

Fuggedaboudit is a combination of forgive, ignore and forget.  It's also a form of revenge.  Anyone who can do this is a person you want on your side in a street fight. 

Tomorrow, an example.