Priorities

Dear Madrone, 

   My husband's father's sister in law is a nice lady.  She's way up there in years, for sure, lives in one of those state where people live a long time, I guess it's the cold that preserves them.   We visit once in a blue moon, it's a drive, and she's not a blood relative.  We were planning to visit in the fall, had everything set, but it turns out it's the weekend that a neighbor's son down the street is getting married, and we're invited.   My husband feels the need to visit the aunt, who knows what's around the corner.

So what's the thing to do?

Torn, Mount Redding.

Dear Torn,

   Good God, Gertie , you're kidding me right. You have to ask? Is this the first you've ever heard of me or anyone remotely connected to me? Were you born under a rock, or living in a cave, or are you just out to lunch?  This is a no brainer, even for people with no brains.  This is a trick, right? You kids who hang around the Pizza Carnival ought to get jobs instead of stuffing your faces, and bothering people who have better things to do. Sheesh.

God bless, Donna

  PS- In case this is legit, I take pity and spell it out.  Unless the neighbor in question 

saved the life of someone whose death would distress you greatly, you give them a nice gift, maybe nicer than you would have, explain you have family obligations, WHICH YOU DO, and go with your husband. 

Scootching

Dear Madrone, 

     My neighbor's daughter's cousin's children are scootches. They tease and tease and tease until somebody ends up crying, usually the smallest one who started it. It drives everyone on the block crazy,but when we tell them to stop, they run away.  What can we do to have peace?

Scootchified, Dix Hills

Dear Scootchified,

     What can I tell you? If you are not their mother, there is not much you can do. Unless of course this takes place in your home, in which case you can uninvite them from the premises.  You can complain to the mother involved, but that is very dangerous, because you would be breaking the rule of rules.  (If I have to remind you what THAT is, I will, after I'm done, but I can't believe you would forget what it is, but there you go, if people remembered everything important I would have less work.)

So assuming this is not taking place in or around your own house or children, you're best off just shaking your head and steering clear. 

God bless, Donna

READER! THE RULE OF RULES, if you follow this, nine times out of ten, you'll solve your own problems:

Never get inbetween someone and their mother. 

Summer

Dear Madrone, 

I hate summer.  Is this normal?

Sweaty,  Nome

Dear Nome

       No.

God bless, Donna

PS. Don't look at me like that. You asked, I answered.  If you meant to ask something else, what do I look like a mind reader?

READERS- Nine times out of ten, the question people ask is not the one they want the answer to, but help me out here, throw me a bone, and give me something to go on. 

Family Snafu

Dear Madrone,

    I lied about being busy to get out of a family barbecue at the home of a cousin I do not like, and  wouldn't you know it, my cousin Alpa saw me at the mall, where she was also avoiding the same event.  Now she is telling everyone she saw me shopping while she was working which was the lie she told, since she was surrounded by twenty boxes of shoes at the DSW, and not at the cosmetic counter at Clarins.  Should I combat this lie with another one?

Looking for guidance,  Mt. Kisco

Dear  Looking,

Lying doesn't work unless you are bald faced about it. Sounds like your face has some hair. So  tell the truth to whoever asks, and let the rest go.  People will forgive you, they have to, you're family. If they don't then there's nothing you can do. And the question you didn't ask, but should have, is why you lied in the first place.  

 God bless, Donna

PS- You might be surprised at how little people care.  

 

Important things

Dear Madrone,   

  You have a waste of time hall of fame, but what's the opposite? 

Curious, Forth Worth

Dear Curious,  

Everything else.  Look, let me break it down for you...we only have a certain amount of minutes on this earth.  You have to spend a certain number of them doing stuff that can't be helped, sleeping, eating, ironing. And by ironing, I mean all the other stuff you have to do to to get by. Now you can either iron your own stuff, or get someone to iron for you, but either way, it has to get done.   The better you are at the ironing part, the more precious minutes you have to kick back. Anything that interferes with with your enjoyment is a waste of time.  Now some people don't know whether they are enjoying themselves or not. I will deal with that next time.

God bless, Donna

FUGGEDABOUDIT

FUGGEDABOUDIT- This is a beautiful thing, this fuggedaboudit. Roughly translated it means,," this is how much I love you, I'm not going to smash your face in, which I could do, if I felt like it, without blinking, but of course I don't because this isn't worth a precious minute of my time, and neither are you if you keep up this garbage. So... back off /apologize/drop dead ...before you're sorry you made me turn my mind to what you ...said/did. Got that? Good. Now ...get outta/come over ... here.'

When someone backstabs you, this is best option.

Not everyone has the chops to pull this off. In fact very few.

FORGET VS FUGGEDABOUDIT

Say you  are in line for some paybacks- someone you trusted ratted you out, or stole you blind or otherwise took advantage of your good nature.  And you can't forgive. And you won't ignore.  Vengeance is out, because the rat in question doesn't want anything you have badly enough to make it worth the splash back.  So what's left? 

 Two things- You can forget it. OR you can fuggedaboudit.  

Here's the difference.  

Forgetting is you put it out of your mind. Like it never happened.  This is NOT, I repeat, NOT ignoring.  In order to ignore something, you have to know it's there, you just pretend it isn't.  Forgetting is erasing the incident completely from your mind.  

Fuggedaboudit is a combination of forgive, ignore and forget.  It's also a form of revenge.  Anyone who can do this is a person you want on your side in a street fight. 

Tomorrow, an example. 

RESPOND

So where were we? Yeah, you have a serious problem, someone backstabbed you. No way are you going to ignore. Ok then, good idea, you're gonna do something.
Vengeance: You can make them pay, which only works if you have something that they want. Example: My neighbor's ex husband, may he rest, was a good provider, (not much else) He left ALL, and I mean ALL, every last cent, to his first wife, left wives two, three and four (my neighbor) out without a pot. Now the three xes wanted payback, but what could they do? They didn't have anything he wanted. Warning- With vengeance, there is always a splash back.
Forgive: So should they forgive? Well in the case of the stiffed ex wives, they couldn't. Sounds pazzo, but forgiveness only works if you have something they want, too. Otherwise, it's something else, which we'll talk about tomorrow. Forgiveness is really nice, noble, but most people can't really do it. They only SAY they are, but what they are really doing is plastering on the guilt. And guilt is a waste of time.

IGNORE

 My cousin's aunt's sister in law  Nessie was betrayed by her own brother, Lando, who told their mother that she spent the holidays in the Bahamas with her in laws, instead of in the hospital.  The mother in question was a piece of work,  Nessie should have told her to her face, and taken the heat. BUT Lando  shouldn't have spilled the beans, that breaks the rule of rules.   What if Nessie just ignored her brother's backstabbing? 

This takes fortitude and attitude.  If you ignore in the right way, you aggravate everyone, because it's just like saying, whatever. Who cares about you?  If you do it the wrong way, you just look like a mealy mouthed doormat, inviting people to wipe their feet.  So it's dangerous.   If you are ignoring cause you are afraid of a fuss, believe me,

nothing fuss likes better than fear. 

 

Vengeance

Dear Betrayed,

   You wrote me with this question: How could I possibly hurt them as much as they've hurt me?  Many people ask me this all the time, for all sorts of reasons, not just the one you have.  And I answer, always the same thing=You can't.  It isn't to say that you can't hurt them, because you can do that, no problem, but not as much as they've hurt you, because the way it works is this= vengeance comes back at you.  It just does.  So add the hurt that they did to you + the splash back hurt from your vengeance, and it will always be that you hurt more.   

   The question you didn't ask, but I will answer, just on the off chance that you didn 't know you should have asked it, and might possibly be interested in the advice (which most likely you aren't, but even so, someone might) is this: What now?  

  There are four possibilities, 

A. Ignore

B. Respond

• Forgiveness
• Vengeance

C. Forget

D. Fuggedaboudit.

I will discuss these tomorrow.  God Bless, Donna

 

A real dilly

Dear Madrone, The other day, I was sitting at my formica table, in the kitchen, trying to get my papers in order, and staring at the pictures on my refrigerator, of the kids and their kids, all smiling, but none of them as young anymore as they are in those pictures. I can't complain, my children call me, they come around, and they treat me right. And my health is not bad considering I'm pushing 90. But all the papers, the bills, and the junk, it comes every day, rain or shine, and I wonder why we go through it all. make ourselves crazy trying to get our kids raised, keep food on the table, the house clean, all of it, since in the end, we check out, people divide up the stuff, and maybe say a few nice words, or shed some tears. What's the point of it all? Sitting around, Merrick

Dear Sitting, What do I look like? The Pope? As my father used to say, may he rest, if you could talk people out of being crazy, the looney bins would be empty. I have nothing to tell you that is going to me of much use. You have a nice house, good health and children who show you respect, even if you don't appreciate it. Somehow this is ruining your day. It takes all kinds.
God bless, Donna

Readers, remind me tomorrow to tell you more about a shot of stupid. It's not sinking in.

What can you do?

Dear Madrone, What can you do when you hear something awful has happened? I never know. Befuddled, Millville.

Dear Befuddled, look at it this way, even when you don't hear it, something awful has happened, is happening or will be happening. You know this, it isn't any big lightbulb I'm turning on for you. My point is that you get up and make the coffee and go to work if you have a job, or whatever it is that you spend your precious minutes on. And the awful things keep coming. I recommend a shot of stupid. Not too much of one, because that can get you arrested, just enough for you to make the sad face, say the sympathetic word, but still get the dog out for its walk. God bless, Donna

PS. Nice things happen all the time too, that's what's so crazy.

Back Again

Hey, how ya doing? It's been a while, what can I say? I've been busy. Family stuff.. weddings, babies, good things..I wish I could say I learned something, but actually I knew it all already. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying anything special except that I know the rules of family and they always apply. They do. Not a single thing I've been through this past year makes me think any different. Now you could say, hey, your mind is made up, Madrone, so how could you learn anything? But what do you know about my mind, it's open... like a book or a door, or my cousin Silla's house, which she never locked because she was crazy.. Someone could have waltzed in and stole the pillow out from under her head, but they never did, so she always figured she was right not to lock. That's exactly how open my mind is. I will try to break it down for you, little by little, in the meantime...I got stuff I gotta do. God bless, Donna

The Japanese Thumb Trap

You can get these at a carnival, or the variety store... you know what I'm talking about, those little straw tubes, you slip a pinky into each end. IF you try to pull out, it just tightens up, no go. You can't get the fingers out because the harder you pull, the skinnier the tube gets and the more you're trapped. Instead, here's the genius part...you have to push in, the tube scrunches up and gets wider, and bingo, your pinkies are free.

It's like that with the eyerolling inlaws. Don't resist, go with.

Sample conversation:
YOU: Pass the broccoli
In Laws: You really need to be careful of anemia,
YOU: I know, I know, you're so right.

The key to this is to say it while you are shoveling in the broccoli. Under no circumstances use sarcasm. Drip with sincerity. After a few times, they'll stop mentioning it. Trust me.

The Story of My Life 3

Rudolpho was a mean mean boy. And I mean that. I still get the willies when I think about the cats whose ears he cut off. Seriously. In those days you didn't know that meant you were going to turn into Jack the Ripper or whatever. And he didn't. He became a Pella Window salesman and a Grand Dragon of the Knights of Columbus. So go figure. But when I was one, he was thirteen and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. I got beat from here to Sunday, but never straight out, and no one to run to. So I figured out how to make myself invisible. It's a good trick. The other thing I figured out is that funny is good, crazy is good, and funny crazy is better. So if you can't be invisible, make them laugh and be nervous at the same time.

Family Resemblances

Dear Madrone, Please help. What do you reply when someone asks you who the baby looks like, particularly if it does not look like anyone in particular, or worse, it does, but not someone that it would be polite to point out the resemblance, if you know what I'm saying. Sign me, the Milkman.

Dear Milk, There is only one response that I recommend in this case, no matter if the baby looks like the twin of the father, the mother the next door neighbor, even the family dog. You say, and in this case sincerity isn't even required, because the person who is asking already knows what they think, and just wants you to confirm or to pick a fight (it's what's known as a trick question) Oh, The baby is a perfect mix of -----here insert the name of the parents--------. Trust me this will be the end of the conversation, and you can move on to something less dangerous, like politics or religion. God bless, Donna

A Bone to Pick

Dear Madrone, My in laws eat meat. I don't. They make me special dishes, no meat at all, tasty things, lots of eggplant, lasagne all cheese, you name it. And yet, they still roll the eye and make it their business to inquire after my iron levels and blood pressure and other items that are none of their business, but they are trying to be helpful. I don't think they mean to be rude, but it feels that way. What do I do, my spouse is a vegetarian,too, but he loves his parents. As he should. I am beginning to become aggravated, but I feel I can't say anythng that would make things better not worse Veggie, Vegas

Dear Veg, You are subject to conflicting rules. You can't get in between someone and his mother, and you can't pretend things are nice when they are not. The first course of action is to talk to your spouse about how you feel, but the way you put it is crucial. You can't say I think your family is crazy, why do I have to put up with them? Because he is putting up with your family, trust me, I don't even have to know the details, that's how it is. If that doesn't bring you satisfaction, and you still are having agita, you can use the Japanese Thumbtrap approach, which I will explain in greater detail, tomorrow. God Bless, Donna

The Story of My Life 2

My father, who was not a bad man, even if he wasn't a particularly good one, remarried ASAP. Not like he had someone hiding under the bed, we don't think, but then in those days, no one talked much about that sort of thing. Raised eyebrows, knowing grunts, that's what you had to decode, but where was I, my father, may he rest, got himself another wife pronto, who took on the nine of us, and proceeded to have four of her own. Madonna! It was a mad house. Let's see how many were we?

Rudolpho
Lentini
Michaela
Elsina
Francesco
Babba
Rocko
Vespalla
Me (Donna)
Mary
Sally
Pete
John

Let me tell you, it was not worth your life to turn your back on either your food, your clothes, or your pride. Anything and all would be snatched before you could say hey, that was MY ... fill in the blank, pillow, dessert, friend, air.. it was one big scramble. Now here's the part where you expect me to say, it was tough but we had love and laughter. Well forget that. We didn't have all that much love, and the laughs were usually at someone's expense. But hey, I'm not complaining. I'm not in jail or in the looney bin, and I managed to stay alive without killing anyone. Not bad.

The Story of My Life 1

I was born. It wasn't easy, not for anyone. Not for my mother, who swore on her mother's grave that if she lived she would take a knife to the privates of my father so as to never go through this torture again. (PS. she didn't, live that is) for me, who was slapped on the a** and sent to a strega of a nurse, who shoved formula down my throat and thought I was ugly, for my 8 siblings who now had no mother, and for my father who was left with nine children and no wife- who he never believed for a moment would have un manned him and of who he was fond, in his way, which was not much. Not the best start for a fairy tale, or maybe the best start, who knows. But let's put it this way, I learned about the rules of family from day one. I broke the first and main one, which is to never get in between someone and their mother, I got in the way of eight, big time. Hey, you do what you got to do, and I had to get born. Guilt, who needs it? Not me.

Awkward Moment

Dear Madrone, I was at the health club the other day and Rosie, my son's first girlfriend's mother was weeping and moaning over the retirement of her hairdresser, and her disatisfaction over the state of her highlights. The following conversation took place ME: Rosie, you look fine HER: you didn't say Rosie you look stunning. ME: uh uh
HER: Gotcha, didn't I. ME: uh uh. What should I have said? We were at our exercise place, just finished 30 minutes,and she looked fine, not stunning. But I meant it as a compliment not an insult which is how she took it. Unintentional Insulter, Half Moon Bay

Dear Un, This is her problem not yours. Let it go. God bless, Donna