IGNORE

 My cousin's aunt's sister in law  Nessie was betrayed by her own brother, Lando, who told their mother that she spent the holidays in the Bahamas with her in laws, instead of in the hospital.  The mother in question was a piece of work,  Nessie should have told her to her face, and taken the heat. BUT Lando  shouldn't have spilled the beans, that breaks the rule of rules.   What if Nessie just ignored her brother's backstabbing? 

This takes fortitude and attitude.  If you ignore in the right way, you aggravate everyone, because it's just like saying, whatever. Who cares about you?  If you do it the wrong way, you just look like a mealy mouthed doormat, inviting people to wipe their feet.  So it's dangerous.   If you are ignoring cause you are afraid of a fuss, believe me,

nothing fuss likes better than fear. 

 

Vengeance

Dear Betrayed,

   You wrote me with this question: How could I possibly hurt them as much as they've hurt me?  Many people ask me this all the time, for all sorts of reasons, not just the one you have.  And I answer, always the same thing=You can't.  It isn't to say that you can't hurt them, because you can do that, no problem, but not as much as they've hurt you, because the way it works is this= vengeance comes back at you.  It just does.  So add the hurt that they did to you + the splash back hurt from your vengeance, and it will always be that you hurt more.   

   The question you didn't ask, but I will answer, just on the off chance that you didn 't know you should have asked it, and might possibly be interested in the advice (which most likely you aren't, but even so, someone might) is this: What now?  

  There are four possibilities, 

A. Ignore

B. Respond

• Forgiveness
• Vengeance

C. Forget

D. Fuggedaboudit.

I will discuss these tomorrow.  God Bless, Donna

 

A real dilly

Dear Madrone, The other day, I was sitting at my formica table, in the kitchen, trying to get my papers in order, and staring at the pictures on my refrigerator, of the kids and their kids, all smiling, but none of them as young anymore as they are in those pictures. I can't complain, my children call me, they come around, and they treat me right. And my health is not bad considering I'm pushing 90. But all the papers, the bills, and the junk, it comes every day, rain or shine, and I wonder why we go through it all. make ourselves crazy trying to get our kids raised, keep food on the table, the house clean, all of it, since in the end, we check out, people divide up the stuff, and maybe say a few nice words, or shed some tears. What's the point of it all? Sitting around, Merrick

Dear Sitting, What do I look like? The Pope? As my father used to say, may he rest, if you could talk people out of being crazy, the looney bins would be empty. I have nothing to tell you that is going to me of much use. You have a nice house, good health and children who show you respect, even if you don't appreciate it. Somehow this is ruining your day. It takes all kinds.
God bless, Donna

Readers, remind me tomorrow to tell you more about a shot of stupid. It's not sinking in.

What can you do?

Dear Madrone, What can you do when you hear something awful has happened? I never know. Befuddled, Millville.

Dear Befuddled, look at it this way, even when you don't hear it, something awful has happened, is happening or will be happening. You know this, it isn't any big lightbulb I'm turning on for you. My point is that you get up and make the coffee and go to work if you have a job, or whatever it is that you spend your precious minutes on. And the awful things keep coming. I recommend a shot of stupid. Not too much of one, because that can get you arrested, just enough for you to make the sad face, say the sympathetic word, but still get the dog out for its walk. God bless, Donna

PS. Nice things happen all the time too, that's what's so crazy.

Back Again

Hey, how ya doing? It's been a while, what can I say? I've been busy. Family stuff.. weddings, babies, good things..I wish I could say I learned something, but actually I knew it all already. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying anything special except that I know the rules of family and they always apply. They do. Not a single thing I've been through this past year makes me think any different. Now you could say, hey, your mind is made up, Madrone, so how could you learn anything? But what do you know about my mind, it's open... like a book or a door, or my cousin Silla's house, which she never locked because she was crazy.. Someone could have waltzed in and stole the pillow out from under her head, but they never did, so she always figured she was right not to lock. That's exactly how open my mind is. I will try to break it down for you, little by little, in the meantime...I got stuff I gotta do. God bless, Donna

The Japanese Thumb Trap

You can get these at a carnival, or the variety store... you know what I'm talking about, those little straw tubes, you slip a pinky into each end. IF you try to pull out, it just tightens up, no go. You can't get the fingers out because the harder you pull, the skinnier the tube gets and the more you're trapped. Instead, here's the genius part...you have to push in, the tube scrunches up and gets wider, and bingo, your pinkies are free.

It's like that with the eyerolling inlaws. Don't resist, go with.

Sample conversation:
YOU: Pass the broccoli
In Laws: You really need to be careful of anemia,
YOU: I know, I know, you're so right.

The key to this is to say it while you are shoveling in the broccoli. Under no circumstances use sarcasm. Drip with sincerity. After a few times, they'll stop mentioning it. Trust me.

The Story of My Life 3

Rudolpho was a mean mean boy. And I mean that. I still get the willies when I think about the cats whose ears he cut off. Seriously. In those days you didn't know that meant you were going to turn into Jack the Ripper or whatever. And he didn't. He became a Pella Window salesman and a Grand Dragon of the Knights of Columbus. So go figure. But when I was one, he was thirteen and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. I got beat from here to Sunday, but never straight out, and no one to run to. So I figured out how to make myself invisible. It's a good trick. The other thing I figured out is that funny is good, crazy is good, and funny crazy is better. So if you can't be invisible, make them laugh and be nervous at the same time.

Family Resemblances

Dear Madrone, Please help. What do you reply when someone asks you who the baby looks like, particularly if it does not look like anyone in particular, or worse, it does, but not someone that it would be polite to point out the resemblance, if you know what I'm saying. Sign me, the Milkman.

Dear Milk, There is only one response that I recommend in this case, no matter if the baby looks like the twin of the father, the mother the next door neighbor, even the family dog. You say, and in this case sincerity isn't even required, because the person who is asking already knows what they think, and just wants you to confirm or to pick a fight (it's what's known as a trick question) Oh, The baby is a perfect mix of -----here insert the name of the parents--------. Trust me this will be the end of the conversation, and you can move on to something less dangerous, like politics or religion. God bless, Donna

A Bone to Pick

Dear Madrone, My in laws eat meat. I don't. They make me special dishes, no meat at all, tasty things, lots of eggplant, lasagne all cheese, you name it. And yet, they still roll the eye and make it their business to inquire after my iron levels and blood pressure and other items that are none of their business, but they are trying to be helpful. I don't think they mean to be rude, but it feels that way. What do I do, my spouse is a vegetarian,too, but he loves his parents. As he should. I am beginning to become aggravated, but I feel I can't say anythng that would make things better not worse Veggie, Vegas

Dear Veg, You are subject to conflicting rules. You can't get in between someone and his mother, and you can't pretend things are nice when they are not. The first course of action is to talk to your spouse about how you feel, but the way you put it is crucial. You can't say I think your family is crazy, why do I have to put up with them? Because he is putting up with your family, trust me, I don't even have to know the details, that's how it is. If that doesn't bring you satisfaction, and you still are having agita, you can use the Japanese Thumbtrap approach, which I will explain in greater detail, tomorrow. God Bless, Donna

The Story of My Life 2

My father, who was not a bad man, even if he wasn't a particularly good one, remarried ASAP. Not like he had someone hiding under the bed, we don't think, but then in those days, no one talked much about that sort of thing. Raised eyebrows, knowing grunts, that's what you had to decode, but where was I, my father, may he rest, got himself another wife pronto, who took on the nine of us, and proceeded to have four of her own. Madonna! It was a mad house. Let's see how many were we?

Rudolpho
Lentini
Michaela
Elsina
Francesco
Babba
Rocko
Vespalla
Me (Donna)
Mary
Sally
Pete
John

Let me tell you, it was not worth your life to turn your back on either your food, your clothes, or your pride. Anything and all would be snatched before you could say hey, that was MY ... fill in the blank, pillow, dessert, friend, air.. it was one big scramble. Now here's the part where you expect me to say, it was tough but we had love and laughter. Well forget that. We didn't have all that much love, and the laughs were usually at someone's expense. But hey, I'm not complaining. I'm not in jail or in the looney bin, and I managed to stay alive without killing anyone. Not bad.

The Story of My Life 1

I was born. It wasn't easy, not for anyone. Not for my mother, who swore on her mother's grave that if she lived she would take a knife to the privates of my father so as to never go through this torture again. (PS. she didn't, live that is) for me, who was slapped on the a** and sent to a strega of a nurse, who shoved formula down my throat and thought I was ugly, for my 8 siblings who now had no mother, and for my father who was left with nine children and no wife- who he never believed for a moment would have un manned him and of who he was fond, in his way, which was not much. Not the best start for a fairy tale, or maybe the best start, who knows. But let's put it this way, I learned about the rules of family from day one. I broke the first and main one, which is to never get in between someone and their mother, I got in the way of eight, big time. Hey, you do what you got to do, and I had to get born. Guilt, who needs it? Not me.

Awkward Moment

Dear Madrone, I was at the health club the other day and Rosie, my son's first girlfriend's mother was weeping and moaning over the retirement of her hairdresser, and her disatisfaction over the state of her highlights. The following conversation took place ME: Rosie, you look fine HER: you didn't say Rosie you look stunning. ME: uh uh
HER: Gotcha, didn't I. ME: uh uh. What should I have said? We were at our exercise place, just finished 30 minutes,and she looked fine, not stunning. But I meant it as a compliment not an insult which is how she took it. Unintentional Insulter, Half Moon Bay

Dear Un, This is her problem not yours. Let it go. God bless, Donna

Is Family Everything?

Dear Madrone, Is family everything? Isn't there something that isn't? Wondering, Missoula

Dear Wonder, Family is everything. And everything is family. Now, remember, what's family to you isn't family to someone else. For example, my cousin Alberto never married, and his mother and father died young, may they rest, but he belonged to the local garden club, and was well known for his prize hybrid teas. He had a garden as big as a football field, filled with every kind of rose you ever heard of and some you never did. He watched over those plants like they were children, which they were to him and his garden club buddies were their aunts and uncles. He was never lonely, in fact he did much better than my neighbor Frankie, who had seven brothers who teased him and a wife it was clear he couldn't stand, and ingrate children who took him for all he was worth and let the state pay his nursing home bills when he fell and broke his hip. Sad, but true. Just goes to show. God bless, Donna

Japanese Thumb Trap

You can get these at a carnival, or order them through the computer- you know what I'm talking about, those little straw tubes, you slip a pinky into each one. IF you try to pull out, it just tightens up, no go. You have to push in, the tube scrunches up and gets wider, and bingo, your pinkies are free. It's like that with the eyerolling vegetarian inlaws. Don't resist, go with.
Sample conversation:
YOU: Pass the meatballs
VEGGIES: You really should be careful of that red meat, mad cow, all that.
YOU: I know, I know, you're so right.

The key to this is to say it while you are shoveling inthe meatballs. Under no circumstances use sarcasm. After a few times, they'll stop mentioning it. Trust me.

Vegetarian Smackdown

Dear Madrone, My in laws don't eat meat. I don't mind that. I make them special dishes, no meat at all, tasty things, lots of eggplant, lasagne all cheese, you name it. But that doesn't satisfy them, because they roll the eye and make it their business to inquire after my cholesterol and blood pressure and other items that are none of their business, but they are trying to be helpful. I don't think they mean to be rude, but it feels that way. What do I do, my spouse is not a vegetarian, but he loves his parents. As he should. I am beginning to become aggravated, but I feel I can't say anythng that would make things better not worse. Carnivorous, Carnarsie

Dear Carn, You are subject to conflicting rules. You can't get in between someone and his mother, and you can't pretend things are nice when they are not. The first course of action is to talk to your spouse about how you feel, but the way you put it is crucial. You can't say I think your family is crazy, why do I have to put up with them? Because he is putting up with your family, trust me, I don't even have to know the details, that's how it is. If that doesn't bring you satisfaction, and you still are having agita, you can use the Japanese Thumbtrap approach, which I will explain in greater detail, tomorrow. God Bless, Donna

Money Problem

Dear Madrone, I have a good job, but never enough money. How can I save? Always behind, Littleton

Dear Behind,, Remember what I told you? It's never just about the money. Don't shake your head at me...you have some need to be in the hole. I have no idea what that is, either, since you don't say. Trust me on this one. Like my sister's mother in law's sister, who NEVER learned to drive, you'd feel sorry for her, but she got everyone and their uncle to take her to the Walgreens and the senior citizens. IT may be like that for you with money. Or not. God bless, Donna

The Silent Treatment

Dear Madrone, My last boyfriend talked me to death. I finally broke up with him because he would go on and on and on and on about every little thing, what we should eat, how well we got along,(only we didn't, he didn't notice me covering my ears in pain) whether or not it was worth spending the extra money for a car with six cylinders. You name it, everything was a federal case. My latest boyfriend is a mummy. I could run over his cat with a pick up truck (in fact I did, I told him it was an accident, but I wanted to see if he'd open his mouth) Not a word, just a nod, and a quick burial, and a shrug. He gives me the silent treatment at least once a day. Why can't I find someone in between? Is there anyone? SeeSawing, Salamanca

Dear See Saw, In answer to the question you asked, Yes. In answer to the unspoken question, which is why can't I find someone like me?? I don't think you'd want to.

How I got this way

Readers sometime ask me how I got this way. Here's how, I lived. Plenty of people live, but they might as well not get out of bed, for all the good it does them, they don't learn a thing. I made plenty of mistakes, I don't deny. But it also helps to have a good imagination, there's plenty of mistakes I don't make just because I can imagine EXACTLY what will happen. People know more than they let on, they just hate to admit to themselves what's what.

And what can I say, some of it I was just born with. Lucky me.

Can you believe this?

Dear Madrone, A friend of mine from the old neighborhood moved to the middle of Pennsylvania or upstate NY, someplace you think it would be nice to visit, but never do because it's so far. She just sent me an invitation to the first communion of her grandchild, and I have no intention of going, especially since I haven't seen hide nor hair of her since her daughter was eight. What should I do about the gift.I don't think I can send one with a gracious heart. Concerned, Tribeca

Dear Con, Then don't. God bless, Donna

PS. If you are asking if you can stiff your friend without causing her aggravation, the answer is no.

Attitude

Here's a question I get all the time.

Dear Madrone, what is attitude? How do I get some? Doormat, Lesterville

To ALL the Doormats: Attitude is related to savvy, but not the same thing. A person with attitude but no savvy often ends up in the emergency room of life, with things broken, hearts, noses, promises. A person with savvy, but no attitude might end up a professor or something, an egghead who knows what's going on, but can't do anything about it. Attitude comes in degrees, and you don 't have to say a word...it's how you look out of your eyes. BACK OFF! or DON'T START WITH ME! or I KNOW WHAT"S WHAT. In other words, MESS AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Now, how do you get that? Some people are born with it, Even in the playpen the other babies steer clear, give over their pacifiers. But you can learn it by getting fed up with being a doormat, and saying ENOUGH. I don't give a rat's A** if you're upset. Here's how it's going to be. No one can talk anyone into having attitude. It's something you have to come into all on your own. Good luck. God bless, Donna

PS...A little attitude can go a long way.