What I can do for you.

Readers,
Sometimes people say to me Madrone, what do you offer that I can't get, say from my best friend, or even my worst enemy? Who died and left you boss? This is a good question, if by good you mean idiotic and question you mean insult. But I am a going to show you how much I love you and explain myself...this once.

The giving and getting of advice is either very simple or very complicated, depending. For example, you ask your best friend Santina whether the $400 number you want to wear to your cousin Magnolia's second wedding is the the right color. She can say yes or no. End of story, but not really. Because Magnolia is getting married to someone she must have had hiding under the bed, since the daisies have hardly had time to droop on the grave of her first husband. Now hubby number one was no prize, everyone knows this, but a reception for 300 at the Huntington Swan Club complete with open bar, cocktail hour and Venetian table is not generally part of the required year of mourning. So you might just want to know if the color is right, but only if you have the imagination of a stick, which does happen, but most likely you are also asking if you should attend at all, and if you do, how large should the envelope be. She however can say nothing except, you look fabulous, not everyone can carry off eggplant chiffon.

When Santina goes home, she will get on the phone with her sister Roselle, and tell Roselle that the dress, as great as the color is, makes you look like an elephant, and that Magnolia is in for it, as hubby number two is way too young and the inheritance from hubby number one is far too large to mean anything but trouble. But you'll never hear it , because Santina is not your blood relative and Magnolia is. Which is to say you would be aggravated the minute she starts telling you how to think about your own family

Here's what I can do for you...I will tell you what other people would tell you if they could, but they can't. What you do with it is your business.

Some basics

Friends, here are some basics, to save you the trouble of having to ask me.

1. Never get in between someone and their mother. If you just followed only this rule you’d be better off then 90% of the mamalukes out there who have no sense.
2. Never refuse family a favor.
3. Never ask family for something you know they can’t give.
4. Never believe it’s just about the money.
5. Never pretend it’s nice when it’s not.
6. Never expect thanks when you kick someone in the teeth
7. Never mix up the people who have what you want with the people who want what you have.
8. Never fight a battle you know you can’t win, except if your honor is involved, then always fight it.

There is more, but these are the main ones.

What is family?

I get tired of repeating myself, no one listens, but it can’t be helped. Madrone, you keep asking me , what do you mean by family? My neighbor’s cousin Dolly adopted a boy from one of those countries where terrible things happen…is that family? Or Sylvana treats her husband’s aunt like it was her mother... is that right? Well, first let me say for ME, family is blood. What can I say, in the village where my people came from, a stranger was someone you didn’t have blood ties with, and we didn’t marry strangers. Most people have eight great grandparents, I only have four. It’s true, my hand to god.

All I can tell you who is MY family and don’t try to tell me otherwise. Which is what I’m saying…no one can tell somebody else who is or isn’t their family. Oh you can try, but it doesn’t matter. It’s beyond both your understanding and your power to change. But once it’s decided, the rules are the rules. End of story. . So now where were we?

Why do I bother?

Lately, all of this talk about values and family, drives me up the wall. And it causes no end of trouble, because it gets everyone confused about what's what. And I know what's what. Listen, don't get me wrong, I won't be mad if you don't go along with what I tell you, what do I care? But I'm right, you know it in your heart. And I don't tell people what to do, what do I look like, a nut job? No, I just tell them how it is. IF they ask. And they always do. It's my way of helping out.

Welcome

Friends,

It’s January. Hop in de ass, as my grandfather, may he rest, used to say after a glass of two of home made muscatel. Time to remind you of the resolutions you should be keeping although you won’t, why should this year be any different?

1. Take stock of who has what you want, and how badly you want it. Kiss up accordingly.

2. Figure out who wants what you have. Decide whether or not you want to give it to them and what they have to do to get it.

Lots of times the same person ends up on list 1 AND 2. Then it depends which list they are higher on.

3. To hell with diets. Especially one that doesn’t know the difference between good bread and the crapola that most places pass off as the staff of frigging life. Please.

4. Don’t let me stop you from exercising, but don’t come crying to me when you find out you’ve jammed up your knee or given yourself a hernia.

5. Family first. Now this isn’t always possible, there are a lot of real crumbums out there and they have to be related to someone. In that case, you might be better off taking whatever heat comes from putting them second.

6. Screw guilt, and regret, too while you’re at it. In my book they are just barely above pity in the Waste of Time Hall of Fame. So you made a mistake, ok, you meant to do it, whatever, take your lumps, learn and move on. For the love of Pete spare everyone your whining about rigged juries or narcoleptic attorneys. No one wants to hear it.

God bless, Donna