Going to Atlantic City

The hubby and I will be going to Atlantic City to play the slots.  Will be back in a couple of weeks, richer or no poorer. 
God bless! Donna

Mind your own Beeswax

A question came in from Fort Maryton...

Madrone,

            When is it ok to butt in?  My neighbor down the  block has a brother whose son is a no good lying two face ratfink SOB.  And I mean no disrespect to the rest of two face ratfinks, who tell  the truth and are legit.  Whatever. This guy is no good. And he married a sweetie pie, who has no clue that he is sleeping around with UPS delivery lady, this week! Last week it was the cheerleading coach, and the month before that, the sister of the wife he's making a fool of.   Everyone knows, except the wife.  And everyone says, butt out. No one will take pity.  Should I? 

Concerned.

Dear Concerned,

            No good answer for that, because whatever you do, the guy will still be a stinker.  I'd tell, but I'd understand that there is a 90% chance  (which for all you brainiacs out there, means 9 times out of ten) that YOU will not be thanked. In fact, you will be forever the one who is attached to the truth, and by attachment I mean an ugly wart that sprouts hairs will be plastered on the middle of your forehead ever ytime the wife looks at you.  She won't be able to help it.  Now you could say, why does she have to know it's me? Well she doesn't, you could go that way, but then you'd see the wart when you looked in the mirror.  Oh it will be there ok. 
         Now if you don't tell, no wart, but a no good lying two face ratfink SOB has turned you into a doormat. So you can't even look in the mirror, unless it goes down to the floor, like at the shoe store. 

God Bless

When things get OFFICIAL

By Official I mean that the families understand that a new family is going to be created. This is a big deal, and there has been much blood and tears shed, particularly when people enter into it unmindful of all the dangers. So a word to the parents involved. This is IMPORTANT. I don't know how many times people tell me that they never met the mother and the father or the whoever is in that place of the person their kid is going to marry until the wedding. GET A GRIP! And along with the grip, get the address and the phone number or the whatever from the intended of your kiddo and pull on your grownup panties and make nice. I say get it from the intended just in case THEY have strong objections, which they might...but that might be worth getting out in the open early. I for one don't care for surprises, like one time, my aunt's niece was gonna marry a guy and it turned out that he was wanted in four states by four different women, who wanted him to come home and help sweep out the yard of the house they'd bought when they'd gotten married. (Guess who paid for the houses, BTW...the ladies, of course, no surprise there)

Meeting the in laws.

Ok, so you are madly in love, good luck with that! This isn't about the two of you, it's about the rest of the story. So, when do you have the first summit meeting? Bringing YOUR intended to meet your family? Well, if you think it isn't a big deal, think again. I will talk at a later time about the proper attitude of a family towards a potential new citizen, this one's for you buddy. DO NOT bring anyone home that isn't a potential keeper. If you're just fooling around, it's very confusing for all concerned. If you're so young that meeting the folks can't be helped, (because they are driving you on your dates) that ought to tell you something right there. And if you're way past old enough, but you still sleep with your parents down the hall, that tells you something else.

Food Rules

This the Madrone's friend, Lily. We go way back, to when our sons were babies and we couldn't imagine them doing anything we hadn't already done. Thirty years later, they figured out a few things but we'll keep those private. Today's lesson is that food rules in family-you need to figure out the rules and then learn to live with them or work around them. For example, say your mother in law lived through the Depression and thinks Starbucks is a bar. DO NOT bring Starbucks to her house just because she only drinks instant coffee. Do what I do, offer to run an errand (preferably something that takes at least 20 minutes)- before running the errand, go to Starbucks, get your latte, drink it in the car, dispose of the cup (or if you're ecological, hide the cup) finish the errand and chew gum so she can't smell real coffee on your breath. Next week I'll give you instructions on other food rules such as learning to live in a meat based family when you're a vegetarian. (Do not try slipping the meat to the dog, the dog will rat you out)
God Bless.

Families are like countries.

You have to understand one thing. Families are like countries, they have borders, some of them are theocracies, some are dictatorships, some are anarchic hullaballoos. Some have great cuisine, some are multiethnic, anything a country is, a family can be. With more power over the person who lives there than any country can ever have, I don't care what. So when you go with someone, to that person's family YOU are a foreigner. If you're a tourist, they will not pay you much mind and you'll get some souvenirs, and some photos for an album, that you may or may not burn at a later time. But if you're planning to apply for citizenship, you have to understand that there are rules, regs and all sorts of taxes. Ignore them, and you end up in exile, with or without your sweetie. Most families will recognize dual citizenship, which means things like they will understand splitting the holidays and giving equal time with the eventual grandchildren. But in some cases, you're expected to renounce your allegiance to your own family, or that your honey bun can have no real doings with yours. It's good to figure that out ahead of time, if you can. Some warning signs
1. All wedding and prom pictures of any of your sweetie's siblings exclude mates and dates.
2. Your sweetie attends the weekly barbecue, with or without you.
3. Your sweetie has to think about whether to attend your parents' 25th anniversary party or the dance recital of a second cousin's third grandchild, scheduled for the same day. Trouble!

First things first? or Second?

Ok, now about inlaws, when should you start caring? There are two different schools of thought on this.
Love first, family second or never
Worst Case: Romeo and Juliet, (unless you think everyone in the entire world knowing your business long after you're ded is a good thing)
Best Case:Mr. and Mrs. LaVerio down the block. Their families HATE each other, always have, but they didn't care. Everyone else is dealing with it, they're going on 60 years married, still laughing their a**es off at everyone.

Family first, love no biggie
Worst Case: My sister in law's little sister married the guy down the street because the families thought that they were perfect, and she ended up in court after trying to stab his eyes out with a salad fork from the silver set she got from his granny. Mess.
Best Case: Beauty and the Beast. She did her thing with the monster to save her dad's hash, and ends up with a rich, good looking guy. (warning, this is the best case,most time what eventually gets revealed is less pretty, with worse manners)

Nine times out of ten, it doesn't predict actual happiness. So suit yourself on this one.

Arranged Matches

First: This advice is NOT for the people who let their families do the matchmaking. In that case, everyone is damn well sure they know each other, that's the whole POINT!
Now many readers write to me, asking me my thoughts on this matter. And I say, I would never get in between someone and their mother. That's rule one. So if your mother wants to pick your dearly beloved for you, I"m not going to tell her no. If you don't like it, YOU'VE got to tell her yourself with no help from yours truly.

If you are in that boat, the one that the families involved all have an oar, when the happy couple starts to row, it should be in the same direction. I'm not saying it makes things easier on the couple. It does make things easier on the families. Not the same thing at all.

In Laws

Right around this time of year, people like to have weddings. It's like they think that nice weather means a nice life. Which it may or may not, what do I know? I do know a thing or two about in laws. I've seen plenty of good people come to grief because they have no idea of the dangers that lurk. Kind of like you're on a boat, and the weather is great (hah!) and the sea is calm and you are singing a song, thinking everything is hunky dory, but you have a crappy map and what it doesn't tell you is that under the surface there are very pointy rocks that are going to rip a hole in the floor, or whatever it is they call the bottom of a boat, and the water that floods in is going to drown you and sink your ship.

So think of the next few days of advice as a really good map, which you should not leave in the trunk of your car.

Back

I've been away and now I'm back. Turns out there's just too much not following of the rules, and everyone needs as much help as they can get. What is clear and simple if you have your head on straight gets complicated fast when the head is up your (or someone else's_a**, excuse my French. Nine times out of ten, simple is better than complicated.