Thursday, February 23, 2006


Dear Readers, people ask me all the time what to do when someone stabs them in the back. Sometimes the knife is long and deep, aimed at the gut and twisted, like when my neighbor Louella (across the street) was sick, and her husband, Mel, who we thought was nice,but turned out to be a rat, had more than dinners with Zilla, the wife of the neighbor in the house next door, who we also thought was nice, but turned out to be a floozie. It wasn't pretty, there were scenes. And sometimes the stab is just a nick, like when your mother-in-law tells her cousin how much of a deal she got you on that used fur from the resale shop at Alexanders, where she works, when you didn't want it spread around that you bought your mink on the cheap.

When this happens, pull the knife out, wave it in their face, make them at least briefly consider the possibility that you are both willing AND able to disembowel them, then put the knife down and move on. And file their face away in the NOT TO BE TRUSTED folder in your mind. God Bless, Donna


Anonymous said...

My brother outed me to my family, and they treated me like I was a monster. How could I possibly hurt them as much as they've hurt me?

The Madrone said...

Anonymous.. the answer to the question that you asked, is you can't. For the answer to the question you didn't ask, (Which by the way is, why don't they love me?) I don't know. For the question you should be asking, (which is now what? )That's a longer story. Check back, you're not the only one with that question.

Ken LaRive said...

No one can hurt you unless you let them.
You are responsible for your feelings.
When you truly love someone you put them first.
Walk your talk.
Stand on your own two feet.
If you did these things you would have no need to cry like a baby to strangers.
Strength comes from inside, with little of substance to be found outside...
Fear comes from what you can't control. Pain is mostly self inflicted, and everything, and I mean everything, is your attitude.

All questions you ask will be given in like kind. Seems to be a universal law of attraction. It is what you focus on.

The Madrone said...

You can either be savvy or a doormat. And nine times out of ten, I choose savvy. There's that tenth time, though, that's the kicker.

Anonymous said...

My sister sold my baby. She convinced me that placing my son in an adopted home was for the best. So I thought my Doctor had arranged for a family to raise him. So, when the time came for him to be born I was drugged and I never was able to see him. It took me 30 years to find him. But I did and then I found all the lies that was told to me. No doctor was involve3d just my mother, my sister and brother-in law. they all received money for my child. they all knew where he was and didn't tell me. the family who brought my baby paraded him in front of me where I worked and even visited where I was living with the baby. I had no idea.
As the lies began to unfold instead of talking to me about this they all said I was crazy and I was making this all up. Now I am banished from the family.
Then my aunt tells me that I wasn't a family member at all. I was adopted. I'm 55 and just finding out I was adopted. she said it wasn't a legal adoption, just changing the birth certificate.
No, way to prove it and nobody will talk. So yes, I am learning about betrayal. It hurts and shakes you to your core.

Anonymous said...

So try this one: my husband assaulted me in a drunken rage 4 months ago. I called the cops on him and he was arrested and jailed overnight. I fled our home with the kids until he agree to move out 4 days later. My MOTHER offered that he could move in with her. She then sided with him. Within weeks I filed a restraining order against him, and he retaliated by filing for divorce. My only sister, my father, and nearly his entire family have joined and financed him in fighting for money from me and custody of our children, saying I'm crazy (when in fact, I am not). He is an alcoholic abuser, refused to get a job, scammed untold thousands of dollars from me, emotionally abused our children ... but they are all out to hurt ME! EVIL!

The Madrone said...

Well the first rule of family is not to get in between someone and their mother, which means I can't tell you much about what your mother did. But if everyone else joining in with someone who is out to get you, then, you have to decide who has what you want, and who wants what you have and fight accordingly. But when I was little I had a cousin who thought it was fun to trick me into getting my face close enough to a cake so that he could slam my face into it, and everybody laughed. Including my mother.
I don't live by any of them now. The people I do spend my time with don't have any notion of doing any such thing to anyone, but even if they did they woulnd't try it on me.

Anonymous said...

Ken your advise is empty and pointless.

Anonymous said...

ya ken, you seem smart and unfortunately ignorant at the same time. you have control over your emotions but when you have people that are supposed to be there for you or completely abandon you, ya it hurts! you obviously have no clue!!! i had a sisters boyfriend throw me to the ground and left finger marks on my neck.... no i control my feelings but that P***** me off and guess what...he caused those feelings, i didnt want or really allow the feelings , its what happens when certain circumstances arrise.

Anonymous said...

Check this out...My mother is 90. Took in my mentally ill brother 12 years asgo. Gave up her life to give him purpose (driving, shopping, etc.) He yells and screamed at her - a cleaning woman told me. I saw him do it too and I asked her if he does this often. Her respoinse, "I ignore it". Two years go by and she's l;iving in a res. care facility. No one will tell me what's wrong with her. The staff will not allow my calls through. My brothers will not tell me what, in the world, is going on. So I start my own research - found her dianosed with Dementia and I have done everything in my power to learn about the condition. I also know this is not about my right to see her it's about her rigjhts being violated by her two sons. And yes, there is money involved - her estate. This is unsavory at best. At the least it's unethical conduct on the part of family members.

Anonymous said...

I have been betrayed by my family; in they all betrayed each other - was I the only one with any faith ?

In the short-term, yeah stand up for yourself, walk away, protect yourself ... but in the long-term the story is different.

To really deal with betrayal is to learn a deep and painful lesson, which is that most people are very confused, human life is full of confusion, misery, crazy behaviour, unconsciousness and aloneness.

If you have been betrayed and you want to really deep with it at a deep level - you can only do that by learning this lesson. It's not a nice lesson to learn because all your dreams of a fantasy world like the Hollywood movies gets trashed.

But ... on the other side of the lesson is relief, and the ability to move on without carrying anything.

There is a Buddhist meditation called Tonglen that is very effective for transforming terrible pain and recovering strength from it. And I recommend it, it is the fastest thing to learn the lesson - bar none.

Most people move on and walk away ... but carry the baggage. Tonglen is away to open the baggage and take your power back.