Nine Times Out of Ten

Nine times out of ten,

1.You don't get money back when you lend it to family.
2. The person you don't want to hear what you said behind their back hears it
3. The day you call in sick to go to the sales at National Liquidators even though you NEVER do it and probably won't again, is the day that the big boss comes around to inspect.
4. Your children will grow up and do all the things they swore they'd never do when they had children of their own.

There is more. This is just some of what you can count on.

Warning: Avoid the crepe hanger

Listen up.. crepe hangers are not worth your time. Avoid them.
Now you may ask me, Madrone, what if I am related to one, or married to one, or someone I am married to is related to one or someone I am related to is married to one? What do you suggest I do then? Well, one part is easy, nobody broke your arm to marry did they? If you'd listened to me in the first place and avoided the crepe hanger, you wouldn't be filing the joint tax return now. But if you're related to one, there are two options..Avoid, and take the heat from the others who do not understand, or Put up with, and be aggravated. When the aggravation you feel outweighs the heat you will get from other family, then you will act. Now there are ways of avoiding, some better than others, to be discussed later. God bless, Donna

PS- A crepe hanger is the kind of person who, even if you meet them on a sunny day with a $1000 from the lucky four scratch off instant lotto in your pocket, you end up going home thinking about skin cancer and the bite the government is going to take out of your winnings.

Pity

Dear Madrone, why do you have such a stake up your butt about pity? I pity you. Kind hearted, Los Angeles

Dear Los, I, however, do not pity you back. I will, after answering this letter, ignore you, and that's about that. What good does your pity do for me? Nothing. It only serves to make you feel good about yourself, but for nothing, which is why you are wasting your time. IF I put any stock in pity I would be sorry for you using up your precious minutes on this instead of knitting mittens or buying a lottery ticket. Something useful. God bless, Donna

Big Shots...... I tell you #2

With big shots, it all depends, are these cousins, with a small c or Cousins with a capital C or COUSINS, all caps, which probabably means their mother and father are sister and brother to your father and mother.

Small c, you are free to insult or ignore- the only heat you'll get is from them, and that is only if they actually register your existence. People like that usually don't know other people breathe. Everyone else will understand.

Capital C means you have to see them every week at the barbecue, the only way you can avoid them is not going, but that's cutting off your nose to spite your face. Short of open warfare, which is sometimes called for, but not for this penny ante stuff, you can take measures. Under no circumstances try to do them one better, you can't. Instead confine yourself to this one comment, every time. : You are the luckiest, smartest, bravest, thriftiest- pick whatever adjective applies to the circumstance- people I have ever heard of. Madonna, I hope you are wearing a little red ribbon. Trust me, after a while they will stop. But you have to say it like you mean it. This will make them nervous.

ALL CAPITALS- You are stuck with these people, no matter what. The only way you can break from them is amputation. If they're gangrene, by any means, you cut them out of your life. Just be sure it's an arm or a leg your cutting out, not a heart or a liver. God bless, Donna

Big Shots........You tell me #2

Ok, what would you do with this one?

Dear Madrone, my cousins are always shooting off their mouths about this car they bought and that vacation they took, and how much their children give them and how great a deal they got on this or that high priced item. I have not the faintest idea how they afford all that, the husband works in a shirt factory, or so he says, but I don't see no shirts. Well he could work in a hundred shirt factories, if I have to listen to one more story, I will have to do damage...how can I get them to shut up? Frantic, Altamount

Beware of Onesy Onesy

Onesy Onesy is a dangerous game. It goes like this. Your wifey makes a comment about your mother's gravy, compares it unfavorably to the starchy crapola purchased at the local A&P. You take this without comment, but later that night, you mention in passing that the last time you had dinner at with your inlaws, you practically had to beg for helpings, they are so stingy with portions,how on earth could your family be so flabby. Then the wife hits you up with a comment about the water bill being paid late, just like the way your brother always returns the lawnmower needing gas. To which you reply at least he mows his lawn, which is a slap at her sister who the wife can't deny has a disgraceful amount of dandelions on her front lawn, only it isn't your place to point it out. AND SO IT GOES. Trust me, if you don't stop it, it ends with gunplay.

Sticky Fingers....................I Tell You #1

Ok, If you said she should rat out the person in question you were right....
AND wrong. Because according to the rules of family, unless of course, she was stealing from yours, let's assume not, since nothing was said in the letter, you can go either way on this, it doesn't make any real difference to anyone but you. So you could just decide to MYOB, who asked you, you don't know the whole story, why get involved, let it be. Or you can confront directly and say, I know what you're up to quit it or I'm turning you in I don't recommend this, too complicated, and really namby pamby. Besides you can't talk people into being honest. Or if you bring in the heat, you can either play dumb when people wonder who called the gendarmes or say directly I called the cops, she's a disgrace bringing up my taxes. All of these options are equally fine: do whatever lets you sleep at night.

Sticky Fingers..............You Tell Me #1

Ok all of you, I know what's what, but I can't be there all the time when this or that happens, and you need to rely on your own savvy, which some of you, we all admit, have in short supply. But hey, I'll be a big shot and lend you a hand. Here's the question, you think what you should do with it, and I'll tell you whether you know how to act like you were raised right. (Now I'm not saying you weren't, please this isn't about your mother, it's about you, I keep my own rules, at least most of the time.) How do you advise the poor schmoe who asks me this:

Dear Madrone, I am in a pickle.My girlfriend's best friend's cousin has sticky fingers. I mean we can't go to the store, to a restaurant that something doesn't walk out with her that didn't walk in. Now I'm not a saint, and I have been known to stash the odd packet of Equal from the diner and who doesn't take conditioner and shampoo from the motel, even if you didn't open it, everyone knows they throw those out if you don't.But this one's a real prize, I've seen her lift an entire wardrobe, include matching underwear and co-ordinating press ons. No one says boo to her, her father is on the job. But this can't be right. Should I rat her out? Honestly concerned, Philly.

Meaning of Trinacria

The Trinacria is the symbol of Sicily. It's Medusa in the middle, and for your information, Medusa has been given a bum rap- she's always the bad guy in the stories they tell the kids, but believe me she's not. Which isn't to say that she couldn't turn you to stone, but that's not the whole story. The legs stand for the three corners of the island, but also could stand for kick butt, kick up your heels, and alive and kicking. Or kick off, kick the bucket or kick in the slats. Take your pick.

PS- Medusa is just PO-ed, and she has a right to be. Look it up.

The Trinacria

To Be Explained.

Move on.

Dear Madrone, I have done a terrible thing. My cousin's best friend was going out with someone I had my eye on. So I told him that said person was cheating on him. A nasty fight ensued, the relationship went in the dumper, they both married other people and the marriages, I must say were not happy.
One marrige was recently profiled on the front page of the Daily News and the other has given plenty of work to the reporters on Court TV. I am so sorry for what I did. Is there any way I can make up for it? Regretful, Regency Park

Dear Ful, Forgeddaboudit. Nothing you can do. What did I tell you about regret, waste of time. Let me ask you, did you learn anything? Well you should have, even if it was just that lying is hardly ever the way to go, although sometimes it is. Not in this case. God bless, Donna

PS-Liars annoy me, but sometimes agita is just the price you have to pay.

Free Show

Dear Madrone, My next door neighbor's daughter wears the skimpiest dresses, you can practically see her hoosis, and her girls might as well be uncovered, for all the protection and support she gets from her clothes. This is disgusting. How can I suggest to her mother that she should cover up? Blushing in Flushing

Dear Blushing First off, you sound like someone whose son, or husband, why not, is enjoying the sights a little too much. Be that as it may, you suggest to the mother she cover up by going over and saying I think your daughter should cover up. What you really want to know is if there is any way to make this suggestion without making war with the family next door, well you can't. Because no matter if the mother says I know I know, you'll be breaking rule #1 by suggesting to a mother she doesn't know how to raise her own child. So decide which is more aggravating. The free show or bad blood with your neighbors. God bless, Donna

The big deal about sex

Dear Madrone, what's the big deal about sex? Bamboozled, Boise, Idaho

Dear Bamboozled, Idaho huh? Well first you do not say whether you have had any first hand aquaintaince with the topic, that's one answer. IF you HAVE any actual experience, and just didn't find it all that appealing, that's another. I will answer in general, since you do not indicate why you ask. As far as families are concerned, in the old days, sex was the only way you could make new people for the new families. So THAT was the big deal. These days, if people aren't growing on trees, they will be soon, so sex gets to be more of a hobby, like knitting or model railroads, and you know how crazy people can get about their model railroads. God bless, Donna

Spare me!

Here's something I wish to be spared- listening to idiots complain about things that can't be helped. For example, it's raining. Can you help this? No. Or the sun is too hot. Can you help this? No. Either way, you get an umbrella, problem solved. Many things in life are like this. I woke up this morning, listening to some jamoke on the radio actually having a conversations with some other palooka talking about making laws to decree what is or what isn't a family. Look, I'm as traditional as the next person, more traditional. I'm so traditional you can set entire calendars by the rules I follow. But I know better than to beat my head against a wall. But here I am annoying myself, complaining about stupidity which has been around a long time, and doesn't seem to be going anywhere fast.

Garter Belts and the perfect world

Something to consider: It will not be a perfect world until men can wear garter belts the same way women can wear pants: Which is to say if they feel like it.

Another thing that annoys me

Backstabbers

Life is not fair

Dear Madrone, I buy the lotto every week, faithfully since I was twelve. I play every lucky number, I pay attention to my dreams, and have promised half my winnings will go to the church. Nothing, Nada, I don't even come close. The lady down the street, who is not the nicest person in the world, plus her front lawn is scattered with the toys of her unruly children and the neighborhood stinks from the droppings of the dog she doesn't leash, SHE hits the powerball yesterday for 150 million. And I just saw on the TV that this is the only time she's ever played, "bought the ticket on a whim." I am gnashing my teeth. Is this fair? Shaking my fist, Port Jarvis

Dear Fist, My advice is to unclench that fist, and go get yourself a cup of coffee and a nice anisette to dunk and let it go. The answer to the question you asked is no. The answer to the question you didn't ask is that nobody deserves anything, not the good stuff that happens to them, not the bad. It's just what happens. If you think that it actually MEANS something, that you can act a certain way to get a certain thing, good luck with that. God bless, Donna

Whining

Dear Madrone, My boyfriend is a doll face. However, his family whines. All the time. As if the good Lord himself had added an eighth day to creation, just to invent aggravation for them alone. The weather, the cost of sausage, the quality of the plastic with which they protect the couches that they paid an arm and a leg for but weren't worth it. The doctors that prescribe them medicine that they take but does them no good. They don't complain, complaining would mean some backbone, which they do not possess. I love my boyfriend, but his family is already driving me out of my mind. Is this grounds for breaking up? Enough already, Marina Park

Dear Enough, Tough one. It doesn't sound so good from here. I mean, you are already writing for advice, and he hasn't yet coughed up the ring. Unless you think he is sincerely ready to make a break with the old ways and form a new, more content family with you. In which case, it might be worth a shot. In that case, ask yourself , can you refrain from whining to him about his family? Because can either join in, or resent. Either way you're in a fix. And remember, you will never be free of his family, even if you live a thousand miles away. God bless, Donna

The Heat

Dear Madrone, you're always mentioning the heat. What exactly do you mean by it?? Curious, Santa Ana

Dear Curious, It's whatever bothers you. Some people don't like being put in handcuffs and hauled away to do time. Other people can't stand it if their next door neighbor, who just moved in and they don't know them from Adam, gives them a look because of the dandelions on the front lawn going to seed. No matter what sets it off, it's ALWAYS better to face it up front, or it comes around later to bite you. God bless, Donna

I repeat myself

Dear Readers, I have been given gas on the previous subject, but I repeat myself. It is a very common mistake to mix up families and religion. Most of you are thinking about going to church, or temple, or mosque, or whatever, with your kids. That is a good thing to do, helps with all the lessons you want them to learn like being nice to other people, and being honest, and in general cleaning up after yourself when you make a mess. If more families could follow that, then life would be simpler all around. This is an entirely different thing than believing a religion. Now I mean no disrespect to people who actually BELIEVE in a religion, whatever it is,and by believe I mean practice it,which if you're being honest at all, you can say that very few people do. Those people let gothe things of this earth, which means NOT putting food on the table for your babies, or having parties for your father when he turns 80, or driving a nice, safe car with air bags and a really good child seat, and making cookies for the PTA or working overtime to pay for the braces. Those things are what family is about...taking care of each other, as best you can. Religion is all about letting someone else worry about those things. Next time you're in church, look around see if anyone around you is dressed in lily petals, or eating worms. God bless, Donna