Give me strength.

Dear Madrone, My middle daughter isn't a bad person, I see that she has friends and her own children are polite, and her husband, a real gentleman, even if his family has strange ideas, and a good provider, so no complaints there, even so, when I go visit her, it's like a ton of bricks weigh on my heart. They don't live right, I'm sorry. I don't recognize anything sensible in the way that they arrange their lives...nothing from the way WE do things has remained.
I try my best to hide my dismay, but it's hard to hold my tongue when I see salad being served at the beginning of the dinner, and no pie with the coffee. And don't get me started on the way she lets my granddaughter's hair hang in front of her eyes. How can I prevent myself from saying something harsh? Biting Tongue, Los Alamos

Dear Biting, Oh you can prevent yourself from saying something harsh by keeping your mouth shut, it's that simple. What you need to ask is how you can keep yourself from thinking these things. Because your daughter can read your mind, just the way you can read hers. God bless, Donna

A note to the rest of you: You know how sometimes you think you're getting along Ok, even if some things aren't quite right, and then all of a sudden someone treats you like you don't exist and you're completely stunned, what did you do that was so terrible. The above letter is what you did.

What about pets?

Dear Madrone, Are pets family? Allergic, Los Alamos

Dear Allergic, Pets are family the same way babies are, except that babies grow up, as they should. People who treat pets like family are looking to stop time, which they can't but with their pets they can pretend. IF a person regards a pet as family, and some do (remember, you can't tell anyone who is or isn't their family) then the rules apply. The thing about pets is that they can't give you gas about the way you treat them unless of course you treat them so bad they eventually run away or turn on you. In this way they are also similar to human family. God bless,Donna

PS. If you are the kind of bonehead who continues to treat a family member like pet, long after babyhood is over, you are in for it.
PPS.About the allergy. If you are really allergic and the person in question still keeps the pet around, it's a message. Get it.

Three's a Crowd?

Dear Madrone, You always say that a family is whatever a person says it is.. so does this mean a husband can have more than one wife, or a wife have more than one husband, or there be two husbands, or two wives? HUH? What do you say about that?? Gotcha, Cedar Rapids

Dear Got CHA, Do you know the frigging difference between theory and practice?? For example, in theory, I could be a power forward for the NBA,in practice I can't. Right?? Right. SO it's like this. In theory, a family can start with any of the above mentioned combos..but ALL parties must be content, otherwise power is being used wrongly. And to be content, each party must feel like they are number one. Now in the case of the twosomes, it's simple, each is number one to the other. When you get to three or more, that's where the trouble starts. EVERYONE wants to be number one, and everyone can't be, so someone is either unhappy or lied to. In which case, there is no real family. That's how that goes. God bless, Donna

What makes a family?

Dear Madrone, I am having a big argument with my daughter who is stubborn as a mule. She insists that without a man and without even the hint of a child, she can form a new family all her own. This world is crazy, where is she getting this idea? This has ruined more than one dinner. I can't make her see reason. Everyone is going insane, Chestnut Hill

Dear Insane, What have I told you one million thousand times? You can't tell anyone who is or isn't their family. My Aunt Lucia stayed her whole life alone and left all her money to her cat. Nobody was going to talk her out of that one, she said, the cat cleaned itself, and never said a harsh word, better than any man. And yes, I know what you're talking about, you think if you scream at your daughter, it will turn her back to something you can understand, or approve of, but it won't. She can't change your mind, and you won't change hers. Stubborn probably runs in the family. So you either let it go or continue screaming. Up to you. God bless, Donna

Note to Anonymous

Listen don't feel bad it took you years to figure out what's going on. I've been around the block more than once and I'm just beginning to put all the pieces together!
My advice is now that you know, go buy yourself a nice dress, why not? OR have lunch with someone who doesn't give you agita. Life is too short for most of the stuff people waste their time on.

Let's get this straight.

Dear Madrone, How do I know the difference between who has what I want, and who wants what I have? Puzzled, Altoona

Dear Puzzled Sometimes it astounds me the things people have to ask, because you know what they say about there being no stupid question...well, don't make me laugh. This question is exhibit one. Anyhow, everybody knows this difference, what everybody doesn't want to do is admit it, because they want to be 'nice'. I'm not against nice, but not if it's fake. But let's assume you really have no clue...
WHO HAS WHAT YOU WANT- Is someone who can hurt your family if you don't bow to them.
WHO WANTS WHAT YOU HAVE- Is someone whose family you can hurt if you feel so inclined.

That's it.

Rules (cont)

So, like I was saying, families agree on rules, inside and out, because in order for the family to run smoothly, power must only be used in the interests of justice and safety. When it gets used otherwise, like when a father grabs the newspaper out of the hand of a child peacefully reading it, because he can, no other reason, the child either harbors resentment, and plots to escape or get even, or accepts it and for the rest of his life thinks that he is the kind of person who gets a newspaper ripped from their hands and never says boo to ANYONE. Neither one of these makes for nice conversation at the Sunday barbecue.

These rules however,at times are better off broken. But only for good reasons. Believe me I don't know what those reasons are offhand...it always depends. If it didn't you wouldn't need me to help you out. But you do.

Let's talk about rules

People don't understand about rules. Some poor idiots think that just because there is a rule, you have to follow it. And this even includes the Rules of Family. (when you break them, you do get heat, what I'm saying is sometimes the heat is well worth it.) Someone ought to talk to them about what's what. Like I'm doing for you. Now I'm not saying you go breaking rules just to be a big shot, that's no good either. Rules exist for a good reason. Which I'll get to.

Back before there were rules, the person who everyone bowed to was the one who could break the most heads. Back then, muscle actually meant muscle. And that was the only rule. You don't like what I tell you, then kaboom, you had a tiger jaw bone brought down on your head. End of story. This went on for a while, until people got tired of being knocked around and figured out that numbers counted. And that you could persuade people with actual muscle that things wouldn't go so well for them if they continued to throw it around.

Let me tell you something

There is something desperate about people who call you on the phone to beg for money. What can I say. You can hang up. You can act crazy. You can agree with them completely about how wonderful and beautiful their cause is, but still say no, even though it breaks your heart. You can ask THEM for money to protect them from any "mishaps" that might occur if they keep up the calls. That's remarkably effective particularly if they don't realize that the local policia will investigate such statements, AH live and learn..

I take pity

Dear Friends,I will take pity on you and explain what exactly is a doormat, so you can judge for yourself.

A doormat is walked on, left in the rain, and smeared with mud and snow, and hardly ever washed. SO if you have been doing someone a favor,and they never pay back in any way shape or form, OR if you lend $1000 even after the last $1000 hasn't been returned, or you say yes, because you want to keep peace, even when you really mean let me first punch you in the nose before I say NO. OR if you don't have a gracious heart, and you resent whatever it is you're doing, maybe bringing the laundry up from the basement, or letting someone borrow your car for the fourteenth time but they don't replace the gas they use, or you smile when you'd rather frown. Once doesn't make you a doormat, but twice can, and after three times you might want to check to see what that is stamped across your face that makes people want to wipe their shoes on you. God bless, Donna

Are you a doormat?

No one loves a doormat. Are you one? Probably, if you have to ask.

Agita

Dear Readers, People sometimes ask me, UNBELIEVABLE, what I mean by agita. I will take pity and explain. It's when someone gives you a royal pain, either by something they do or say, or don't do or don't say. Either way, it's something you want to have less of, either by eliminating the source of it from your life, or letting it go. And by eliminating, I don't mean like in those crazy movies where every one has machine guns and fat suits. Please.

Gardens

Every family needs a garden, I don't care if you live in a little hole in the wall and no yard. You can get a pot of dirt and a cactus for the love of Pete!! And remember you can overwater them just as easily as you can underwater them.

The Nag List

Dear Madrone, I worry about my boy Eddie. He lives a wild life, ok he's 21, when else is he going to do it? But still, no health benefits, smokes cigarettes, and who knows what else, rides a motorcycle without his helmet, and doesn't go to church. I can't even talk to him these days without bringing up one or another of these topics and then we fight, or worse, he ignores. You don't have to tell me that nagging is a waste, it hasn't done any good. and yet, what if he kills himself or someone else, how will I feel if I just let all that go without saying a word. I will feel guilty, which is another one of your wastes. HELP ME MADRONE!! I am going crazy. Worry Wart, North Pensacola

Dear Wart, You at least know you have a problem which I am going to solve for you. All things should be this simple. Eddy knows every single thing that bothers you. Trust me. This is your nag list. Next time, before you get into it, just say, Hey Eddie, you know the list of things I nag you about. Review them in your mind. Any progress to report? He will either say yes and report or say no. Then you can get on with whatever else you want to talk about.
NOW- If you have nothing else to say to him, then THAT's where your real problem is. God bless, Donna

FNA 1

Here's the Family Knowledge Answer 1...
Ok.. so your mother says it's your brother who gets the picture you both want. IF you have a FNQ lesser than that of a piece of concrete, which by the way never talks and so has not that bad a FNQ, you cut dead all you believe have insulted you which includes bad mouthing them.

If your FNQ is cosi cosa, you accept the decision, but not really, and in your heart you harbor resentment toward both your brother and your mother and anyone else who sides with them. This makes for awkward silences at family barbecues and the occasional nasty crack that comes out of nowhere, but not really.

Here's the deal. RULE OF FAMILY #1 is that you can never get in between someone and their mother. Which means that your mother and brother have their own thing between them, and very possibly he has paid for the picture in ways you have not, and probably don't care to. You just don't know. So you keep the gracious heart and let it go. Your mother however may have broken Rule #1, since she got in between you and herself unless she had good reasons, which she could have.

There is something to keep in mind...you are under no obligation to be a doormat,so when it turns out that the picture is A. stolen property, B. worth quite a bit, so it means the government is taking a huge bite out in taxes, or C. Radioactive so it's making people who own it sick, you are under NO obligation whatsoever to post bail, contribute any money to the Feds, or pay hospital bills for your brother and his family who must take radiation therapy for ten years.

FNQ

What's your FNQ? Your family knowledge quotient. Hey, don't get on my case about the silent K, it doesn't exist in Sicily, therefore I have very little time for it. How much do you know about family? Your FNQ is directly related to your peace of mind, the agita produced by your daily encounters with jamokes and stand up good people. The higher your FNQ, the greater your well being. It's true.

Situation 1...Say, you and your brother are fighting over the gold framed landscape of horses and a haywagon, in a field framed by Lombardi poplars, and by fight I mean each of you is claiming rights to it after your mother, who is not yet passed, thank God, passes, and your mother decides it will go to your brother, not you. What do you do?

Answer tomorrow, you think about it.

Dealing with Liars

IF the liar is a child under your control, just sit them down and say you aren’t planning to move until you hear the truth, and you’ll know the truth when you hear it. Then get the kid a bowl of pastini, take out your knitting and make like you can sit for one hundred years. And mean it. Sooner or later they’ll crack.

IF the liar is an adult, or a child over whom you have no rights and you aren’t the State District Attorney, you have a bigger problem. If someone is lying behind your back, you can always make them say it to your face in front of witnesses. They’ll deny for sure, then you have the necessary means to label them a coward. If they are lying to your face, you need to decide if it’s the ditch you want to die in. If it isn’t.. well, they can either be dead to you or you never trust a single thing they say without checking. If it is, then you call them on it.. whatever it takes. Hire a detective, lay a trap, follow them yourself. The problem with all this is that you give them power over your peace of mind. Depends on how big the lie is and sometimes, knowing the truth has its downside.

My cousin Louella had an inkling that all was not on the up and up with her hubby and a certain co-worker. A large inkling related to the fact the co-worker’s husband called her to commiserate, and see if Louella was interested in revenge that came under the category of good for the goose, good for the gander, if you know what I mean. Louella confront her hubby, who denied. Now, Louella didn’t really want to know. She decided to believe her hubby, who decided to break it off with his lady friend. Which I believe had something to do with the difference is body fat to muscle ratio between him and the other guy. (The reason I know all this is that the co-worker lady in question spent three hours sobbing at my Formica table, asking what should she do.. but that’s another column) And Louella is very blissful, thinking that all is well. I’d tell her she was crazy, but she hasn’t asked.

Can't believe I forgot this one:

Liars.

Liars really annoy me.

And this is how you deal with them:
FIRST,and this is key. You better be 100% convinced that they are lying. Because the really good liars lie to someone they know wants to believe them. I mean really. They'll look you in the eye and say, I can't believe you don't trust me. And YOU, palooka, will be doubting yourself, feeling all bad that you could have had suspicions.
Yeah, every one of you that's had a cheating boyfriend or a kid steal you blind knows exactly what I'm talking about.

More tomorrow on what you do next.

As I was saying: Paybacks

Paybacks are what comes back around, so watch out what you do and say. Oddly enough, what you think, is your own business. Even if you think it really hard. You can't predict paybacks no way, and you can't control them. SO don't bother trying, you'll just make it worse.

One more thing

Wet blankets