Paybacks Justice and Vengeance

Dear Readers, There is much confusion about paybacks, which are not to be confused with either justice, a good thing, or revenge, a bad. Now you may think it odd that I have issues with revenge, because many of my people have made quite a good living telling stories about vendettas and their bloody consequences. I'm not saying the stories aren't true, but that they don't have that much to do with how most people, mine or whoever , live.
Vengeance always comes back to bite you. Like the time that my next door neighbor's son Joey stole his best friend Lou's girlfriend,Neesa and Lou told everyone that Joey was a no good, and was cheating on Neesa with Arnie Leola's girl, which he wasn't. Arnie went and cleaned Joey's clock, Neesa who was about to go back to Lou, found out about Lou's lying, realized that Joey would take a hit for her, and married Joey three months later. Lou on the other hand ended up by himself. You see my point.

SAVVY

Dear Madrone, what exactly do you mean by savvy? Curious, Nesconset

Dear Curious, One of my cousin's nephews had a little boy, who as a baby always smiled...like when you brought him in a room full of strangers, complete unknowns, he'd look confused for a second, no more, then he'd smile at everyone, who then said, what a brilliant child and smiled back. This same cousin had another nephew, who had a little boy, the same age, who when faced with the same situation, would fall on the ground, hide his face and kick. One had savvy the other didn't. God bless, Donna

BETRAYAL

Dear Readers, people ask me all the time what to do when someone stabs them in the back. Sometimes the knife is long and deep, aimed at the gut and twisted, like when my neighbor Louella (across the street) was sick, and her husband, Mel, who we thought was nice,but turned out to be a rat, had more than dinners with Zilla, the wife of the neighbor in the house next door, who we also thought was nice, but turned out to be a floozie. It wasn't pretty, there were scenes. And sometimes the stab is just a nick, like when your mother-in-law tells her cousin how much of a deal she got you on that used fur from the resale shop at Alexanders, where she works, when you didn't want it spread around that you bought your mink on the cheap.

When this happens, pull the knife out, wave it in their face, make them at least briefly consider the possibility that you are both willing AND able to disembowel them, then put the knife down and move on. And file their face away in the NOT TO BE TRUSTED folder in your mind. God Bless, Donna

LOYALTY

Dear Readers Often you ask me about loyalty. I don't understand how something so basic needs to be explained, but that's the world for you, people don't understand the simplest things.

Loyalty is glue. It keeps us from flying apart.

I'm not saying be an idiot about it, sometimes you gotta cut a person loose, but only under extreme circumstances, and the benefit of the doubt is not a bad thing to give. It's two way street, mind you. I'm not talking about the loyalty of a dog who gets kicked twice a day, and hasn't figured out he has sharper teeth, and 40 pounds on the guy with the shoe. Or that you shouldn't be careful about who rates your allegiance. There is no substitute in this world for savvy. God Bless, Donna

Proof of Love

Dear Madrone Please settle this argument. My sister says she would rather see her husband happy, even if it was with another woman, and I say, no, I would rather see my dearie dead. Who loves more? No way is he getting away with that, White Plains

Dear No,This question had me puzzled until I realized what you are actually asking. This is not about loving your hubbies, it's about which sister bows to the other. There is no answer to the question you say you're asking, without knowing more. For example, is the dead husband dead after forty years of faithfulness, with grandchildren weeping PAPA PAPA at the bedside, or dead after a shot to the heart made by a 45 caliber gun carried by the loving spouse to the bedroom where she found him with his fancy woman?

In any case, the sister who rules is the one who didn't have to write to ask. God Bless, Donna

A puzzle

Dear Madrone, I love my family, don't get me wrong, and they love me. If, for example, a dozen armed bandits came to the house I would fight to the death before I'd let them harm a hair on my mother's head, or if my brother needed a kidney and I had one that matched, I'd be at the hospital yesterday to donate. That being said, if I spend more than three nights in the same town with them, I break out in hives, get into car accidents, and on occasion, have said things I later regret. Can you explain this?
Confused, on occasion tormented, Old Forge

Dear Confused, It's simple, you are mixing up like with love. No one in a million years says you have to like your family. Like is having the same taste in music, or the same sense of humor or going to Macy's instead of Lord and Taylor's on the day after Thanksgiving. That has nothing to do with family, that's just finding people who are like you, so you feel good about yourself. You can like all kinds of people for this or that. Family, you don't have to like at all. I mean you can like your relatives, but it's not necessary. God bless, Donna

The Giving Away of Milk

Dear Madrone , I have been keeping company with a fine man, very nice family, makes good money. We are not spring chickens, that's for sure. Both of us have been around the block more than once, in vehicles, that I must admit were less than late model. But this time, I want to do it right, and he wants to do it now. This is a problem for would I not be giving the milk away, and thus preclude the buying of the cow? Not so sad, but not so wise either, Marathon

Dear Not Let me get this straight? Are you the cow? And if so, how did you get smart enough to talk? If you're that smart, you are probably also smart enough to know that by speaking of yourself in this manner, you've already answered the question. Which is to say that cows, milked or not, owned by whoever, are not ever consulted on who their milk goes to and at what price. They have no choice, and mostly just chew their cud, and let the farmers duke it out. God bless, Donna

PS. Which is to say the fact that you even had to ask me in such a way means that the price of milk is too high.

MY VALENTINE

Perry Como, what a doll. You know I'm right. Frankie had the press, the smooth voice, the fancy friends and the playboy rep, but Perry, now there was a man. He knew the value of family, and he worked it. Dean was a lush, that was no act, Jerry Vale, he could sing, but that was it. Perry was the complete package,the real deal.
He married his sweetheart and stayed married for 65 years, you could watch his show with everyone no matter how young, and all he had to do his grin that boyish grin, and you knew the world was fine.

Ah Pierino! You live forever in our hearts, "til the end of time." God bless, Donna


http://www.perrycomo.net/biography.html

What's a new family for?

Dear Madrone,
What's the point of new families, anyhow? I don't get it. Why do you keep harping on it? My family's the best, Mohegan

Dear Best, My cousin Alberta's loved her son Marko so much we worried she would have a heart attack if he ever got serious about a girl. And he did get serious, ok he was 43, the girl was a doll, who saw somethng in Marko that the rest of us didn't, and they were going to be married the last weekend in June, it was a while ago, when my father was still alive, may he rest. Alberta did everything she could to get inbetween them, none of it worked, and bingo she died, right at the rehearsal dinner. All because she didn't want her son to create a new family. Here's my point. New families are gonna happen, even dropping dead won't stop it. Marko and his bride got married a year later, had three kids, and Alberta missed it all. Probably did them a favor, but what a waste. God bless, Donna

Love??

Dear Madrone
There's this guy, very sweet, who I have been seeing for quite some time. He's got the look, he's employed with a very reputable shirt factory, and my family approves. But how do I know if what I feel for him is love? Could it be me thinking I should be in love, or maybe that everyone thinks I should be? OR even a weird indigestion? Help me Madrone, he is even went ring shopping with my mother, even though I am not supposed to know that. How will I know what to say when he pops the question? Fizzy in the stomach, Cedar Rapids

Dear Fizzy- You are fizzy in the head that's what you are. Did you read your own letter? This is what you tell him...NO. Unless of course, love is not one of your requirement for marriage, it isn't always. But if you loved the poor schmoe, you'd know the difference between what you're feeling and a belly ache.
God Bless, Donna


PS. You could marry him just the same, but it will be trouble down the road. But even if you did love him, there still could be trouble down the exact same road. Love is no guarantee of serenity, which is a good thing, otherwise there would be no reason for opera.

One Last Basic, before the questions start.

One last basic thing to always remember. Nobody deserves anythng. What you get you get, bad or good, and if you think it's either punishment or reward, forget it. That's the thing about the rules, you can follow them or break them, it might be a good or bad thing, who can say, not me. I'm not even trying. I'm just laying things out for you so you won't be completely surprised.

FBI- Family Brass Indicator

It is always good to be realistic. The Madrone’s FBI (Family Brass Indicator)
helps in this regard.
First determine numbers: Only include those relatives who would take one on the jaw for you.
For each qualified relative figure
How strong are they –
How many pounds of lasagna each can eat at one sitting?
How fast are they?
Assuming no traffic, how many exits of the LIE or some equivalent expressway can they cover in twenty minutes?
IF there is traffic, how willing are they to drive on the shoulder and cut in when it runs out?
How mentally tough are they?
When they curl their nose, how far do people back off?
How fiercely will they fight?
Like Al Pacino in Scarface?
Like Ray Liotta in Wiseguys?
Like Robert DeNiro in Meet the Parents?

This will give you some idea of how much back up you can count on.

Take the heat up front

Let's say for example that your mother-in-law is a nudge, always with the remarks and the rolling of the eyes. Now, there's nothin you can say to her directly,that only makes it worse. If you've ever tried it, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't please don't, save yourself the trouble. By the rules, however, you may talk to your husband about it,assuming you and he have really made a new family together in which case he cannot fault you. Of course there are ways to put it, some better than others. I don't recommend you saying Yknow something your mother is the burr on my ass. THis will not go over well. It won't kill you to use a little class. Anyhow, you know he's going to be aggravated, he worships his mother, as he should, but still, he's got to step in if you ask. If you decide not to speak to him, and keep it bottled up, because you don't want to rock the boat, the boat will rock none the less from your shaking with repressed agita every time she gets on your nerves, and you either get an ulcer, or throw a plate at her head. Then you will be the bad guy.

PS- If you speak to him with respect, and he tells you, that's my mother, watch it, you have a bigger problem, which may be what she's trying to tell you, in her own way. But in that case, better to know where you stand, sooner rather than later.

The Favor Bank

Too many people out there do not understand the favor bank. So they either ask things they shouldn't...for example like when the neighbor asks you to take in the mail for the tenth time this year, and you haven't been away once, so you never asked back, and they don't bring you some fruit or a bottle of B and B to thank, so after the eleventh time you don't have the gracious heart, and you either have to tell them to get lost or be a doormat. Not good. OR- People don't ask when they have a perfect right to, like time after time you drop your cousin off at the train station each morning and you don't mind, because it's on your way, even if he doesn't pay gas, but then your
computer crashes, and you don't ask him to help you even though the job you are dropping him off to is with Circuit City where he works with people who have crashing computers because you don't want to impose. That is an error. Ask, it will even things out in a good way.

Let me tell you a little something about money

It's never just about money, trust me.

Money stands in for things like muscle, respect, independence, love and revenge, sometimes all at once. It's nothing by itself. The sooner you learn this, the better off you're gonna be. Let's say you are a poor shmoe without, excuse my French, a pot to piss in which translates to a rustbucket for a car and clothes from St. Vincent de Paul. Therefore, no girls will give you the time of day. Or so you think. But then one day, your number comes up and you hit the lotto. Made in the shade? I think not. You'll have just as hard a time finding one who loves you even if you weren't rich, as you did finding one who would have loved you when you were poor. And it will be worse, because when you were broke, you could count somewhat on the sincerity of the person in question because what was in it for them?? It happened just that way to my sister's nephew Al, who won the tri state powerball, married an extremely well put together blonde who he met on the round the world cruise he took to celebrate and ended up six feet under three months after they tied the knot, under mysterious but
not indictable circumstances.

Why we have families.

Every once in a while, some smart alec asks me this question...why do we have families, madrone? Don't they cause more trouble than they're worth?. This is crazy talk. Why do we have to breath oxygen? and why does sauce taste better when it's simmered for eight hours, and the onion is merely browned and then taken out, not chopped and left in as soggy little pieces? There are some things that are not worth even thinking about because they just are. Oh you can come up with what ifs and theories, and set up all the experimental lifestyle communes with swingers and anything goes that you want to but in the end, it always comes back to a family. Always. And by a family, I mean a group of people who lives by the rules I am telling you about. That's how it is.

Another thing to consider

If you could talk people out of being crazy, the looney bins would be empty.

The Waste of Time Hall Of Fame

The following are not worth one second of ANYONE's precious minutes on this earth:

Guilt- Wallowing in it, either as a giver or a getter is pointless. Even dipping your pinky toe is worth niente, nada, zip, jack, bupkis... however you want to say it. Same difference.

Regret- Useless, learn and move on

Whining- Goes along with regret, no one want to hear it.

Pity- Insulting all around

Nagging- You can't care more than they do, believe me, it never works. Unless you do it because you love the sound of your own voice, in which case it's a sport, and I know some Olympians.

The Gracious Heart

If you can't do something with a gracious heart, then don't. Better to take the heat up front because if you don't it comes around to bite you guarantee. This is always the case.

Something to consider:

Power should only be exercised in the interest of justice and safety.