This election

This election is driving people crazy. Not me, of course, I'm already crazy, but I've also been around the block. FIRST, let me give you some advice. There is no point talking to your relatives that disagree with you. Trust me. It's pointless. Are you going to change their minds? I doubt it. Are you going to make Thanksgiving dinners any more pleasant? I doubt it even harder. There is only agita and aggravation.
People, your options

1. Change the subject
2. Ignore the question
3. Walk out of the room to "visit the restroom"
4. Feign deafness or stupidity
5. Have the discussion.
• Do not expect anything good to come of having the discussion.   
• Now if the person in question is saying something that you can not in good conscience let go you have the last option
6. Burn down the house.  
• Tell them exactly what you think
• Then walk out, or throw them out, depending on who is hosting
• Expect drama and division to dog you until you breathe your last.

Dear Madrone,
      I have a friend, well actually, my neighbor's daughter's cousin's sister, who is moping around the house and no one knows what to do about it, she won't listen to us, so maybe you caj help.  Here's the deal.  This person, a lovely person, everyone agrees, was, shall we say, involved with a guy, who, long story short, is a d##K, pardon my French.   It turns out he was a bully and a cheat, which, to those of us who knew even the littlest bit about him was not a surprise, but no one can ever talk sense to a person who is not in the mood to hear it.  Luckily, in our opinions, she gave him the heave-ho. So he promptly takes up with the other woman and parades said woman around.   Even though she knows he's a palooka, our friend is still pining for this jamoke.   Is there any way we can cheer her up?

Concerned friend,
Jackson Heights.

Dear Concerned
        In answer to the question you asked. No, All actual cheering up has to be done by the sad person themselves.
God bless,
Donna

Dear Friend.
       In answer to the question you are actually asking, which is, how can we make things better for her instead of worse. I have two thoughts. One is running the guy down isn't going to do much good because she loved him and you don't want  to keep harping on  her bad taste in guys.  So you can't go that route.  Second is, she already did what she needed to do, she dumped the guy, so what she is suffering is residual pain, just like when you cut yourself and all the pus and dead cells (yes, I went to school once AND paid attention in class, so what, don't give me gas about it. )form a little net to make all the bleeding stop. Eventually it dissolves and maybe there is a scar, maybe not, but life goes on pretty well. Sometimes lesson learned, like you never try to cut the pit out of that avocado with a sharp knife pointed at your palm again, and sometimes, you forget what you learned and you end up back in the ER.  No one can teach these lessons to other people though, you can just be hold their hand while they learn them.

God bless,
Donna

I now explain to you the election so far. You're welcome America

Dear  America, 

I can’t tell you how many people have come to me saying, Madrone, Madrone, what is going on with the crazy election this year.  What’s with all the yelling and screaming and what difference does it make anyway. Should I care?  And who do you recommend I vote for if I do decide to a. care and b. vote.
Well first, whoa, no way am I telling anyone who to vote for, that’s nuts. Why would I do that? I’m not crazy.  And I certainly am not going to tell you who I’m going to vote for, none of your beeswax, missy.

I will break it down for you, if you want, and you can do what you want with the information.

First on the Republican side-

There’s that Governor from one of those states that begins with a vowel, what’s his name.  He seems nice enough. But I can’t think of a word he’s said one way or the other, so that tells you something right there.

And there is a doctor who is quiet and black.  And he said he tried to stab his own mother once, so I don’t like that, because what kind of a person stabs their own mother.  And even if they did, who goes around bragging about it? On the other hand, that might be a good skill for a president, what do I know.

Then there are those two Spanish fellas, one is tiny and cute enough, and goes by his given name. The other one is bigger and somewhat scary looking, with a pointed nose, but I wouldn’t hold that against him you can’t help your nose, it’s a family thing, good for him. But his real name is Rafael and he goes by Ted, so I don’t like that. I mean, is he not proud of who he is? My grandfather would only vote for people whose names ended in a vowel BTW.  That’s one way to decide.

Then there is the one from the Bush family.  All I can say is that three guys from one family is a lot when you consider how many people have NO presidents in their family.  I’m just saying.

And the last one is the guy from NYC who comes from money and thinks who he is.  

On the Democratic side,

There is an old lady and an old man. The old lady looks better for her age,  The old guy, I don’t know, I hope he’s taking his pills.   Young people seem to like the old guy, because he wants to give them stuff. The old lady is like now, now, vegetables before dessert, that’s the rules, nag nag, so no wonder she’s up against it.  

SO there you are.  Take your pick. As my mother would say, , bunch of idiots. But they are our idiots.  

God Bless, Donna

AND one more thing about things to get straight

Dear Readers,  Some of you have written to tell me I am a crepe hanger, what with my saying the world is messed up,. How can this piece of information cheer me up, you ask? Why shouldn't this knowledge beat me down?  I could pull out my hair, or better, yours, but I won't because you are kind of making my point. Let me just say, you are looking at it the wrong way.   Instead of why isn't my life perfect, it is my life is pretty good considering.

Now THAT should help. But it probably won't.

God bless, Donna

Things to get straight 2

Dear Readers, here's another thing we need to get straight, ASAP. Believe me your life will be much simpler if you could only understand this one thing.
THE WORLD IS MESSED UP.  It is.  It's not you, it's how it is.  Once you understand that, you will realize that instead of all whine whine, why me why is my life a mess, you can get past that part and get to ok then so now what.  So many people are writing to me, Madrone, my daughter is not paying attention to what I tell her, she goes out with a no good,  my neighbor doesn't respect my grapevines, so what if they hang over his property, my cousin's sister's husband lost his job, they don't have heat, must I help them since they waste all their money on figurines from LLadro?  These are all good questions and EVERYONE has something like it to figure out. So cheer up. If your life isn't a mess in some way or another you've got two possibilities. One is you are completely oblivious, and there are people who think things are fine when the house is actually burning down around them or two, you are not actually a human being, you are from the planet DreamWorld, which is to say you are completely oblivious.
God bless, Donna

PS. I mean this to make you feel better.

Some Things to Get Straight 1

Readers, I have to get some things straight with you. I know you write me thinking you actually have a question, but the truth is NOBODY, hardly ever, writes me because they don't know what to do. Here's how it is. They write because they KNOW what to do and they aren't very happy about it for one reason or another.  That's it.  So take this for example

Dear Madrone, I lost my best friend's earring that she lent me. They were tear drops with a sapphire that went perfect with the dress I wore to my daughters wedding. But they were clip on and I lost one during the conga line.  We looked everywhere after, not a trace.   What do I do?   Sad, but  does it have to be true

Dear Sad,  You tell her and you make it good. Period.. Maybe she'll be mad, maybe she won't but that makes no difference.  Why are you even asking me this? Are you planning to lie?Fake it for insurance? (I have relatives who do that on a regular basis, but they are flat out liars and not nice people, I have to admit, even though it pains me to say so.  )  Take the heat up front. 
God bless, Donna  

See what I mean? I get this all the time. But, hey, don't let me stop you from asking, sometimes you just got to hear it from someone else.

Dear Madrone, I want to know something,  I have a friend  who always comes over empty handed. I never in a million years would do such a thing. It's like she was raised by wolves.  Do I tell her that this is wrong? Or what?
Puzzled in Pottsdam

Dear Puzzled, what's can you do? Some people weren't raised right.  That's just how it is. This I can tell you though. If you have been feeling resentment, (and I'm guessing you have because otherwise why would you be writing to me, you would be saying hey that's my friend, that's how she is, who cares) two things are going to happen. You are going to tell her or you're not. Either way you aren't going to be friends for long.  
God bless, Donna

Readers,  do yourselves a favor and NEVER go visit puppies unless you are going to dedicate yourself to a life of getting up early and picking up poop. Don't come crying to me! That's just how it is. Don't say I didn't warn you.  Because once you go, that's it, boom you're done, that's it. Why not get two while you're at it?

Dear Madrone, What do I do about this?-  You know how the young people use the text and the twitter and the what not. right?  Well, take a look a this- My daughter in law asking me about what I gave the the kid for supper.

She wasn't happy. Should I have lied?

Sheepish in Sheepshead.

Dear Sheepish,  You did the right thing. Take the heat up front, besides you know the kid would rat you out, nothing personal, that's just what kids do.  And I know it's a bitter pill you're the grandma, whatever. But to keep peace in the family you need to bite your tongue and feed the kid what the mother thinks he should eat.  

God bless, Donna.

PS.  Awesome dinner though.  

Who can you talk to

 Who can you say what to? If you don't have this straight you can really mess things up.    Let me  help you out. You belong to a bunch of groups, some tighther than others. First off there's your mother and you. You can say anything to your mother about anyone, and no one can say a word.  If you want to rave about how your hubby's mother is a raving lunatic who ought to be housed in the third basement of the local looney bin, no one can tell you not to. However, YOUR mother can't tell anyone what you've said except her hubby and maybe your siblings. Now of course, it may not be a good idea to stir up bad blood between families, which is what this is, but you certainly can't rage at your hubby about his mom.  That is NEVER in any circumstance a good idea. The only exception to this is that it's not good to trash your own kids to your mother, because the rule about never getting in between someone and their mother also applies to you getting in between you and your own kids.The only exception to this rule is talking with the co-creator of the child, and even then things are at a very sad state of affairs if the parents are trashing their kids for any reason whatsoever. 


 

Can you believe this?

I read the other day, in one of those columns where people say they are giving advice, but really they are just saying things anyone could say, without even understanding the littlest thing about the rules of family, where a mother is complaining that HER mother is giving the kids treats behind her back.  The so called ADVICE person, went and trashed the grandmother to the mother. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?  How can anyone say they are an expert on family matters when they don't even know how to keep the first rule of family which is NEVER GET IN BETWEEN SOMEONE AND THEIR MOTHER.  Seriously, I mean, can you believe it? But I read it with my own eyes. I am still shaking my head. 

What's with all the vampires?

 Dear Madrone, my youngest girl, Lolla is 13 and  loves the vampires. It's blood this and moon that, and I can't understand what the big deal is.  Should I be worried?  Mom in Morrisburg

Dear Mom, Nah, it's no biggie. She's thirteen, that's what they do.  If it isn't vampires, it's horses, if it's not horses, it's Frankie Avalon. Or Frankie Avalon on a horse. Whatever.  It's nature's way of getting you ready for when she goes out with an actual boy (two legs, no bloodsucking.)

Gratitude VS Attitude

Sometimes you do someone a big favor and they thank you. Sometime you do the same favor for someone else and they hate you forever.  Gratitude on the one hand, attitude on the other. It's less mysterious than it seems.   A favor says "I own you" You may not mean it that way, but that's what it says. You are up. The other person is down.  Maybe in no other respects than the favor you are going to do them, but that's what it is.   I could never get my father, may he rest, let me even buy him an ice cream cone. . UNLESS I bought one for myself that I didn't really want and then said. Will you do me a favor? I can't finish this ice cream cone. THEN he would take it. TRUTH

Taking Heat

Ok, I just want to be clear about something.  The Rules of Family are the rules.  It's pretty clear to me that if you are a breathing human being, it's the same. Don't mess with someone and their mother, heck even bears and moose know that.  BUT! it doesn't mean you don't break them. Sometimes you have to. It only means that people won't thank you.  For example, your child is married to a low class no good. You couldn't stop it, and now they've got kids. And the guy is bad news, really bad.  You step in, break things up because you figure your kid is going to end up hurt or worse.  You do it because you have to. BUT do not under any circumstances expect gratitude. You may get it, but you may just as likely get attitude. Trust me. If you don't understand that this is a likely, normal reaction, you will be in for big surprises...

More on donuts

The donut conversation went on for quite sometime... After everyone agreed to disagree on how the donuts GOT to the bbq,  everyone started to eat them. One mother said to her kid, who, between you and me, would have done well to stop after the first ten, hey fatso, stop stuffing yourself.  No one said anything, because it was the mother, and there's no point in interfering, but I noticed a few eyeballs rolling.  The rolling meant a few different things though.

1. Put the kid on a strict one donut limit.
2. Don't call the kid names, no wonder he's eating like there was no tomorrow.
3. Let the kid eat.

 Any of the above might be a good conversation starter in another universe, but in this one you can't tell a mother anything. Oh people try all the time, but it does no good. 

Donuts

 The question came up when I was at the family BBQ yesterday, who should bring the donuts? We chewed that one over for quite some time and no one's mind was changed.  Some said the donuts should be brought by the oldest, some said the youngest, some said the person who lived closest to the bakery, some said the person who lived closest to Tilda's which everyone admits is the BEST bakery, some said that the person who invites should make sure there are plenty of donuts on hand, just in case no one brings any.  Me I kept my mouth shut, since I don't care for donuts, give me some cheesecake any day.

Flowers VS Vegetables

Dear Madrone,
    I live with my sister, both of our husbands have passed, may they rest, and while it's sad they're gone, they were good providers and we're not big spenders anyhow.  So everything is hunky dory. Except this. I myself love a flower garden. My sister thinks they're a waste and wants vegetables.  We bicker over this every year, and have never come to any agreement.  So please we ask you, which is better?
Sisters, ok except for this one thing.

Dear Sisters, 
  I beg to differ with you, if this is the thing that bothers you so much that you need to waste my precious minutes, then you are definitely not OK.  This so called problem is so easy there are at least one thousand ways to solve it. Here's ten

1. Take half the garden each year
2. Take turns every other year
3. Let the other person have her way because you love her
4. have no garden at all
5. Mix the flowers with the vegetables every year
6. Flip a coin each year, the winner gets to pick
7. Ask a random stranger (or ten or thirty, however many) what they think you should do and do that.
8. Repeat #7 only do the opposite of what other people think.
9. Add up the number values of the words flower and vegetable, and then compare them to the winning numbers of the Pick 5 on the first day after the danger of frost is passed and whatever is closest, do that.
10. Decide if you spend more on cut flowers or fresh vegetables and go with that

I could go on and on and on, but just in case you don't get my point, here it is. You haven't solved this problem because you DON'T WANT TO.   That's a whole other question, which is one you haven't asked, but should.
God bless, Donna

Asking Family

It's really important to remember that when you ask family for something NO MATTER WHAT, it's going to be bad if they tell you no. Even if you're a jerk for asking, even if they don't have what you ask for, even if they've given to you a hundred times before.  That no is going to stand between you forever. People don't understand even the simplest things sometime.  What's the worst that could happen?
you ask. Ha! There are so many worsts..here's just one.
My brother in law knew a guy.  This guy was a no good, a dead beat, and he was into the bookies for mucho moolah. Now the guy had a younger brother of his own, who was pretty well heeled, mostly because he worked like a dog and saved his pennies, and the wife did too.  They had a nice house and a couple of kids who were clean and smart. The no good always went to the brother for cash when the heat got too hot, and the brother always gave.  Until one day, when the debt in question was caused by the no good taking a nice trip to the old country on a credit card he did not deserve. This was the last straw, the brother said no. Enough. What happened? The mother, who had mostly kept out of it, blamed the younger brother when the no good got worked over by a disappointed gentlemen. Pointed the finger at them, at a family dinner, which started a screaming fight between the younger brother and his wife later than night when the wife made noises about the nerve of his mother (Breaking the biggest rule, really not a good thing to do) which resulted in a pot of sauce being thrown though a window, and landing on a poodle that had been walking by, and breaking its leg, which was a very bad thing as this dog had a pedigree out the wazoo, and was ruined by the incident, which resulted in a nasty lawsuit that the poodle won and put the younger brother in the poorhouse, without a wife, who left, with kids, married a guy with even more money and no brothers.  

SO it's very bad to put family in a position where that could happen, and it happens all the time, every minute,just like that world population counter at Penn Station in the city. 

Saying No To Family

When is it OK to say no to family?  I have news for you. It's never ok.  When family asks you for something you must give or be ready to take heat.  So, Madrone, you ask me, does that mean I have to be a doormat  for my cousin Joe Schmoe who asks me for a ride every day to work and never offers gas money. I'm on the hook for the dead beat? No, not exactly.  All I'm saying is that when you lay down the law, and say, pay up you cheapskate, you will be the bad guy, not Joe Schmoe.  It doesn't mean that you have to be walked over, it's just that no one will pat you on the back for it.  If you think people are going to pin a rose on you, you're in for a surprise. You may be right, but that's not going to stop anyone from giving you the hairy eyeball as the next Sunday barbecue.   

Back.

Hope you all enjoyed your barbecues, or however you heat your meat on a holiday weekend.  I had a very nice time, thank you very much, and now I'm back.  It's the warm weather, and that's a good thing.
A question came up the other day, which I am still thinking about: when is it OK to say no to family?
It happens all the time, but people don't think about it.  And they should.  More tomorrow on that. 
God bless.